Do You Ever Wish You Hadn't Fought Back?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I didn't fight much, I was too shocked to know what was happening and had no way of escape, when I struggled mildly I was hit. When I struggled again, I was hit hard. When I got fed up of letting them do what they wanted again and again - I tried refusing, I got drugged so I couldn't move, but was still aware. When I actively hid and avoided the situation they made a game of it and hunted me with a machete, then raped me with that against my throat and drugged me. If I zoned out, I was slapped around or the machete was pushed closer to my skin. I didn't try hard enough to not let it happen in the first place or at any point after, I was too scared, I let it happen again and again and didn't know what to do to make it stop. Yet each day I went to school and eventually was allowed to go home occasionally, I was convinced that there was nothing I could do, no way to make it stop and if I tried to tell anyone not only would I and/or they be killed, they wouldn't believe me. I believed the man with machete and the drugs because he scared me, but more than him, I believed my father - aren't you supposed to trust your parents?

 

[Core]

aren't you supposed to trust your parents?

Yes, you are supposed to be able to trust your parents. Sounds like you might've been hurt worse had you fought more, and it's very understandable that you were too shocked. I'm sorry you were abused so badly in so many ways. If the thread upset you I apologize, that was not my intention.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

No it didn't upset me, I don't know whether I should have struggled and I know that I shouldn't have, but it feels wrong that I didn't. I found this interesting from the exact opposite side of the question: Do you ever wish you had fought back?

I know I couldn't have (without causing everything to be worse), but I often wish I tried as though I know I'm in no way responsible blah, blah, blah, but it doesn't feel that way. Rationally I understand, but what I feel and what is rational is not lining up here.

 

[Core]

Rationally I understand, but what I feel and what is rational is not lining up here.

That's very familiar. It's difficult to have understanding for and compassion with the victim we were in situations of abuse(/rape), and getting there takes time. While thinking I should've not fought so that each rape would have ended sooner, I've also found myself thinking that had I simply been stronger, fighting back would've worked. That's absurd, in those situations we were not stronger than our abusers, and that's not to be expected either. A lot of rape survivors wish they had fought harder, but no one should put you in a situation where you have to fight back to begin with, it should never have been necessary.

I'm glad it didn't upset you. I hope you can grow to have compassion with yourself, it's difficult and yet such an important goal to achieve.

 

[isaley]

Familiar thoughts!

Personally, I think that all thoughts on ones own actions in situations of abuse/rape easily lead to frustration.
I don't think there's a right answer and it's torment tryin to look for one.

Personally I feel obliged to critize myself, since I survived.
It's a small prize to pay, to feel unhappy with myself.

But I think we've found a perpetual loop here!

There is no right or wrong way to react to abuse/rape and the search for answers is draining, yet somehow necessary.
I suspect that whatever one did it would still lead to scrutiny.
I think it's the ptsd talking.

 

[Jlso111187]

I know your not meaning fighting back by turning the person in for rape I know your meaning physically fighting back. But I do wish I wouldnt have turned one of my abusers in (the other one I still have not turned in and dont think I ever will) because by doing so I lost so many people in my life who I thought were friends. Also, telling my story over and over made it feel like I was being raped all over again, by the cop who said the guy who raped me was my boyfriend at the time so that shouldnt be considered rape (even though I was passed out on drugs I couldnt have consented.), by the defense attorney who tried to bring in the fact that I had consented before with this guy and he automatically assumed even though I was passed out that it was fine (17 different occassions that he admitted to in court mind you) and by the judge for sentencing him so lightly. It seems like victims have no rights, the perps have more than we do. If I could go back in time I wouldnt have turned him in I would have just found away to get as far away from him as I could.

 

[Core]

There is no right or wrong way to react to abuse/rape and the search for answers is draining, yet somehow necessary.
I suspect that whatever one did it would still lead to scrutiny.

Yep, I believe it's our minds trying to learn what we could've done to prevent it or minimize our own pain, and that automatically leads to self-blame. But really, blame must be put where it belongs, the abuser.

I know your not meaning fighting back by turning the person in for rape I know your meaning physically fighting back.

Turning the person in is an excellent way of fighting back, or at least, it should be. I'm so sorry your friends turned their backs on you, they weren't friends at all when they treated you like that, and that the system met you like that. Convicted rapists often do not recieve enough punishment. I'm glad you are here at least, no one here blames you for what was done to you.

 

[safenow]

the cop who said the guy who raped me was my boyfriend at the time so that shouldn't be considered rape

That cop was so stupid. The laws are now that even a husband can be charged with rape when they force you or do things against your will.

It is so hurtful the way a rape victim is treated. That is one of the reasons I used to work for the rape crisis center. I would go to the hospital or police headquarters with a recent victim so they had someone who was on their side to stop that sort of crap being inflicted upon them.

 

[Jlso111187]

It was just 10 years ago and that was the law then too. I took his comments over his head and they suspended him for a month without pay and gave me an order of protection (meaning he could not have contact with me even being law enforcement). He ended up pulling my husband over just a little over 4 years ago and I was in the car oh, was he pissed when I looked at him and told him he needed to call another officer to the seen as he could not be the one to conduct the traffic stop. So he radioed for another car and went and sat in his till the other officer showed up. I dont at all feel bad for going over his head as no rape victim deserves to be told things are you fault and its not really rape if your dating.

 

[Core]

I dont at all feel bad for going over his head as no rape victim deserves to be told things are you fault and its not really rape if your dating.

I am very happy and proud that you did that. Again, I'm so sorry for the way you were treated by friends, but it is great that you did not take such comments, that you stood up for yourself. :) And no, no one should be told that because it happens within a relationship (or marriage or friendship or whatever relation) that it was not rape or abuse.