Self harm in adults with ptsd

[xena21]

This is a big one for me too...the not letting myself heal.

Same here. That used to be my primary way to self injure. It does seem bizarre, but it serves a purpose I guess. I remember breaking my leg and jumping up and down on the cast so it wouldn't get better...or jumping rope purposely when I had been told I had a stress fracture in my hip.

Its amazing the things we do to "take care of" ourselves.

They give me my daily dose of shame and disgust.

I hate myself to the very core, and hurting myself speaks volumes for me. It gives me the outlet to show my "disgust" as you say for myself very well.

 

[Pencil]

Its amazing the things we do to "take care of" ourselves.

Xena, this is a very interesting observation. How do you feel about the notion of self care generally? I'd like to hear from others as well.

 

[xena21]

Self care is not something I do with compassion or soothing in mind. It's not something I do with great emphasis on the "care" part. Most of my life I have sabotaged myself and my body. I have tried to hurt it in ways that aren't "normal" yet I continue to be here.

I know from the time I was a very little child I sought pain. I wanted to have something hurt for some reason, and I never understood it. I had been severely abused (sexually) from the time I was born, but I didn't understand why I wanted to have broken bones or things like that.

As I grew older I continued to seek pain, but I did things in ways people wouldn't know, like run for 20 miles and then not eat or drink...make myself sick, things that weren't obvious to others only me. When I ended breaking bones from overuse injuries I wouldn't let them heal. I would continue to jump on them or smash them and re break them.

In addition to all the physical injuries, I interfered with medical decisions that were in my best interest...I starve myself for days, purposely tried dangerous risky things...always make sure I do everything in my power to hurt my body.

So I have to say, self care is very far down on my list of priorities.

 

[Pencil]

self care is very far down on my list of priorities

Yes, that I understand, but I wonder if self-harm is not the flip side of self care. This is why I wonder whether people who self harm find it virtually impossible to do the usual self-care things. In other words, I wonder about your original statement, i.e. I wonder if this isn't perhaps some people's version of self care.

 

[Mayday]

I wonder if this isn't perhaps some people's version of self care.

I think there's some truth in that Pencil. I've read that the physical pain caused by self harm can or does stimulate the body to produce endorphins, which gives a temporary feel good factor albeit not a particularly healthy one, same with overexercising also produces endorphins, which can be why people get addicted to it.

This is also why animals engage in overgrooming even if it's causing more problems down the line with skin irritation etc...the act of grooming releases "calm down" chemicals which is why you might see a cat or dog get defensive about something and then suddenly decide it has to start licking it's back leg. The grooming calms them down so that they can deal with the situation better. Overgrooming is usually where they are overanxious or stressed and so overgroom because they need more of that calming chemical to have any effect. (Not sure if that is of interest to anyone, but because I like animals more than I like most people, I find animal behaviour to be easier to grasp and empathise with.)

I also often feel like the self harm is what I want to do (or what my inner child/whatever wants) so by doing so I'm giving me/her what I/she wants? (sorry I don't really understand the whole inner child thing yet). Which I suppose is kind of a messed up version of self care.

 

[Pencil]

Mayday, thanks for the info. This is a kind of eye-opener for me. I've always wondered why I become almost aggressive when people try to convince me that I have to 'self-care' - and I really don't understand why I have such a hectic reaction to it. I think it has to do with the fact that what is usually considered self soothing or self care really does nothing for me - it needs intense pain. Being 'nice' to myself just doesn't cut it (no pun intended) - like alcohol free beer for a alcoholic wanting to binge, I guess.

I think things that are normally considered self sabotage could also fall into this category, for instance, keeping myself awake when I'm exhausted.

I've read that the physical pain caused by self harm can or does stimulate the body to produce endorphins, which gives a temporary feel good factor albeit not a particularly healthy one, same with overexercising also produces endorphins, which can be why people get addicted to it.

This is now beginning to make sense to me. Thanks Mayday!

 

[Mayday]

I've always wondered why I become almost aggressive when people try to convince me that I have to 'self-care' - and I really don't understand why I have such a hectic reaction to it

I really would like to get to the point where I could take care of my self better, but I think maybe I'm just too defensive at this point in time to be able to do that.

Even though I know the suggestions of self care are healthy and would benefit me, and are said with good intentions, I seem to automatically get defensive and feel like I'm not being listened to. Like they are just wanting to treat the surface issues, because obviously the interior pain I'm in means nothing and isn't important. I know that's an overreaction, but at the moment, the best I can do is acknowledge that's how I feel.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm 31. It has been almost two years since I stopped self-harming. I have been a cutter for most of my life. I've also done a lot of beating my head on concrete and burning myself. I am impressed with folks who hit themselves with hammers. That's more intense than I have gotten.

I stopped because I didn't want to model this behavior in front of my kids. My children are two and four and I don't want them to learn this shit from me.

I believe that self-harm is absolutely a form of self-care. It is a way of trying to make the chemicals in your body feel "right" to you... unfortunately our "right" isn't great for our bodies. :(

Since I feel like I "can't" self-harm any more (I'll be honest and say there are days I resent my children because they "don't let me cut"--err I don't tell them I'm thinking that.) "Self-care" has become very different for me.

I ran a marathon last October. I started training in January, did a half marathon at the end of March just to see if I could and pushed myself through. I walked the marathon because I was in no kind of shape to run it. I've never done anything athletic before. I have always hidden in dark rooms mutilating. That was seriously my whole life up to my mid twenties.

Training for the marathon felt like a death march of awful. I hate running. I hate having to follow a schedule like that--but if you want to complete a marathon you HAVE to take your training seriously.

That process massively changed how I eat (if you need *fuel* it changes how you think about food) and it improved my sleep. Both of which I hear is good for me. Bleh.

The good thing about just going out and running is that it makes me process a lot of grief. Many spiritual traditions believe you hold your grief in your lungs. Running forces you to empty out all of the stale air at the bottom of your lungs you don't usually bother to exhale. For me that meant running around my neighborhood while sobbing terribly. Sometimes I was even quite loud and obnoxious. Occasionally I would fall to my knees and sob and sob until I could stand again. Then I got up and kept running.

I'm really stubborn when I have a goal.

I still want to self harm. Almost every day. I want my children to not think of it as an option. So I don't do it. I wonder if I will start again when I have body autonomy someday.

I don't know.

 

[rightkindofme]

I've always wondered why I become almost aggressive when people try to convince me that I have to 'self-care' - and I really don't understand why I have such a hectic reaction to it.

When "people" tell you to do self-care they are trying to tell you to become softer and more vulnerable. Have fewer sharp edges. Take care of yourself so you will be more comfortable to me.

I think that trying to be "like them" is dangerous for people who experience elevated fear and startle response. I almost kicked a pedicurist in the face once. Our bodies are not "normal" in their reactions and "self-care" can mean "torturously going through an evil experience some other forking moron likes."

Self care varies. :) Sometimes it means making your brain calm down by giving it the chemical soup it is used to. That might mean a lot of pain.

 

[Pencil]

Take care of yourself so you will be more comfortable to me

It's also a way to tell you to stop being needy. If playing with blankies and soft toys and using bubble bath helped I wouldn't have had the issue, Duh!!

Rightkindofme, your posts, especially the first one, had me laughing. Thanks for that.

I also don't do anything visible as I have a daughter who has already asked me about my scars. I've told her all kinds of stupid stories, which of course she won't believe when she's older - they are clearly cut and burn marks. The scars freak her out, I can't subject her to wounds.

I accidentally posted something on another thread that I meant to post here. I'll go and get it and paste it in.

 

[Pencil]

Copied and pasted from another thread: (This post belongs equally in both, but I'm preparing myself mentally for a notification :) )

I'm hijacking this thread again, but I think the issue of self care and self harm are intertwined, and I would still like to hear others' responses to it. Self care can only go that far and no further, and my needs are way bigger than what I can provide for, and so ignoring it just seems the less painful way of dealing with it. When I was 'needy' in any way as a child, the result was usually getting beaten, or something similar. As a result, I started beating myself when I wanted attention or love or anything else. Looking back I think I took a very sensible shortcut :D. Now I understand the endorphin connection, it seems like an even more sensible solution to the problem. Self care, being kind to myself etc simply won't produce endorphins in the same way or quantity, so it really seems like a silly solution. In fact, it feels like impotent self-pity.

 

[Pencil]

That's exactly it! I've solved the riddle, thanks to Rightkindofme and Mayday:

I hurt myself to give myself the chemical soup I NEED. Self care would be as sensible as being physically hungry, and instead of finding something to eat, sitting there in misery and stroking your own cheek. Sheeeeshh.