Can't Believe I'm In A Ptsd Relationship

[Loloma]

I have suffered PTSD for longer than I care to remember. Having trouble now processing the fact that my new friend also has PTSD.

Met him standing in a queue at the airport on the way back from a holiday in January. We just started chatting, he helped me with my baggage, one thing led to another and we exchanged phone numbers. Didn't expect to hear from him at all. Within two days he sent me a text and it continued from there. He works a few thousand km's away from where I live. Comes down to the city every couple of weeks and we go out for dinner. Have reached the stage where he stays overnight and leaves the next day. Very kind, charming and sweet man.

He talked about his 30 years in the army, going into combat and how he felt about situations he's been in. He has nightmares a lot. His childhood is similar to mine, in that he came from a poor family and was beaten as a child. His parents split up and his mother had to raise eight kids on her own. Both of us have been twice divorced.

So what's the problem? Once he's gone there is only intermittent contact. A text now and then with "Good Morning". This doesn't feel like a relationship, it feels more like an arrangement. That he fits me into his schedule when it suits him. I have just found out that he is in town a lot more than he says he is. Having PTSD myself, maybe I'm a little paranoid? Perhaps I should talk to him? It's been almost 5 months now, I really like him even though I'm trying not to get too emotionally involved with him. It seems that there is a curtain that drops when he walks out the door.

Really would appreciate any advice, as I'm pretty confused about where I stand.

 

[daretodream]

Open communication and honesty. Ask him if he ever comes to town more? Rule of thumb , if it doesn't feel right chances are it is not right.

My past leaves me to be more aware of a man's actions and body langauge than his voice. If his body does not match what his mouth is saying, I do not have the time for them no more. I have been married twice prior , both liked to have other woman on the side and on my third marriage, I was wonderfully blessed to have a devoted and loving spouse whom I trust from the bottom of my heart , for he has earned it over and over in hs words and actions.

Do you mind me asking if your attracted to the PTSD in him for this enables him to relate to you? The reason why I ask is, I stayed with a man prior to my present husband for a period becuase he got the PTSD and no one had prior. In the end that is all we had in common was the PTSD. He made a friend in reality, no more.

 

[Loloma]

Do you mind me asking if your attracted to the PTSD in him for this enables him to relate to you?

Absolutely not. I didn't know he had it till about a month ago, when he told me. He said he thought it was a combination of his childhood trauma and going to war.

I feel that he has this "invisible shield" that is activated when he walks out the door. Almost like he sections parts of his life off. When at work, his full attention is there. When with me, I have his full attention. Almost robotic I would say. Just doesn't feel like a relationship. I do remember in the beginning joking with him about how I fitted into his schedule, not realising how true it really is.

Shows no anger, if kind and attentive and compliments people he comes in contact with. Hasn't said one bad word at any time.

 

[nursenurse]

Right there with Daretodream. Take PTSD out of the equation. So he is in town a lot more than he lets on. He "fits" you in his schedule when it suits him. Hmmm. I smell a fish.

Ask him, with a third eye in the back of your head.

 

[p-no]

maybe I'm a little paranoid?

No, you're not. You have provided the proof that you're not. (He's in town more often...)

Perhaps I should talk to him?

I really like him even though I'm trying not to get too emotionally involved with him

I think it's a wise decision to not get too emotionally involved while the relationship as it is is not what you want it to be. What I mean is that it protects you from getting too involved into something that you may not get.

Leading to, yes, I would think about what it is I want (e.g. a relationship of the type you have in mind) and would then talk to him about it and see what he has to say. I think the notion of "fitting you in his schedule" may be his idea of a relationship with you. Maybe this (as it is and has been) is what he wants. Obviously, it's not what you want, so I'd go for talking about it.

What really has the alarm go off for me is the curtain. My ex-husband did compartmentalization on a very high level. He did indeed separate the "worlds" (quote: "you as my family I will always come back to" and "her to have some fun"). Those worlds never overlapped in his mind! :eek: He wasn't doing that on purpose (he has a disorder, too), but he was doing it. So, I personally would never again have a relationship with someone who does that on a high intellectual level (feelings seemingly not involved or in total and utter control). And please, do remember that people can have more disorders at the same time and PTSD might not be the worse of the two, three or four.

Take care.

 

[Loloma]

I find this very sad.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Loloma I agree with all the previous comments and you know I spent years with an abusive but charming man who lied and compartmentalised too. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT. I wish I had.

Go by actions not words. Check everything out, but it sounds like your gut is already telling you this is wrong. You are lucky to have such good instincts. It is sad that these men exist but you are strong and you are not going to fall for that manipulation like others would.

 

[Loloma]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Like I've read so often here on the forum, "If it quacks it's a duck".

The words that come out of his mouth don't match his actions, no matter how charming he is. My psychiatrist warned me once I told him that he had combat PTSD to be careful. He treats a lot of ex military and told me that it sounded very familiar, personality wise. I think he doesn't do this to be mean. It's just how he is now.

If it wasn't for his departmentalizing his life, he would be ideal. He can even cook. However, this is a major issue and I will definitely talk to him next time I see him, as I don't want to drag this out any longer than need be. Rather be hurt a little now, than be devastated a lot later.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

It's so good that your reaching out for perspective. Do take good care of yourself. (((hug)))

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't think you are paranoid, but I do think you need to be careful, for your own well being.

I really think you should try to be as honest with him as possible. Just because you both have PTSD doesn't mean you can't have a relationship, but it has to be honest.

We all know how overwhelming PTSD can be, and new relationships and needing our own space etc. Perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed, and doesn't know how to handle things. Or perhaps he's a rat!! The only way to find out is to have a talk, and see what that uncovers.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Talking never did any good with my relationship. He just lied and twisted and manipulated me. Unfortunately there are those who can lie very easily and know how to prey on our good nature.

If you are suspicious; by asking him he will be alerted of your suspicions and, if he is a manipulative liar, he will be good at twisting things and covering up.

Check things out. Always go by actions not words. If he is a good liar you will not be able to tell if he is lying and he will probably pull you in further with some sob story. Words are meaningless to some, they are just a means to an end.

 

[Loloma]

One thing I like about this forum, is that people are not afraid to speak their mind, or offer their point of view. Possibly we are different than the "others" out there. Generally people will tell you what they think you want to hear, instead of telling it like it is. I suppose there are many reasons, such as they don't want to hurt your feelings. Or scared of losing your friendship, who knows. I guess most of us have been hurt and take the no "bullshit" approach nowadays.

Spoke to my son about my friend tonight. He met him when we went round for a visit on Saturday morning. He may be able to do some IT work for his company. Anyway he said he doesn't see the problem, or it should be the least of my worries at the moment. He felt getting my life back on track was more important. Finding another job which pays more money, so that I'm not struggling so much is more important. Getting my recent health issues sorted.

Have been having back problems lately. Four times in the last two months I've had deep muscle massage, to no avail. Went and had a CT scan a couple of days ago, which wasn't too good. I have displacement of L5/S1 vertebrae in my lower back, and a impingement in the nerve root round my spinal cord. Something to do with disc bulge as well. I was at the stage where I had pain and stiffness in my arms and legs. Anyway I have to take anti inflammatories for a month to six weeks. After that they will see what can be done. It won't go away by itself.

Perhaps I should hold off on giving him marching orders, as it is one of the few happy things going on in my life presently. Emotionally it may be too hard for me, leaving a gap that I can't fill.