Can't Believe I'm In A Ptsd Relationship

[Loloma]

Thanks Abstract, I do intend to be cautious. One thing that comes to mind is that I have gotten involved with a man that is complicated and has issues. There are no sinister motives on his part, the way he treats me when he is with me is nothing I have ever experienced before. He's never shown a hint of anger.

Yes it does depend on how he acts in the next period of time. And I do think he compartmentalised, he even admitted to it.

This time I will not let myself get to the point where I ignore my own ESP to my own detriment. I cannot afford anymore self made disasters in my life.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I have to write it. How do you know he is being honest by his words? They are words. I don't think you should just assume you are being paranoid just because you have PTSD. Personally I think PTSD brings with it a strong sense of instinct when something is wrong but we tend to ignore that instinct because we are so unsure of ourselves and want to be loved and put up with far worse than we should because we do not value ourselves enough and that vulnerability is easily picked up by someone who can play on our sense of compassion and lack of self worth. Is there any way you can verify what he has said? . Do you know where he is living and with whom?

I really hope he is honest and I hope he is the one for you but I read that story and yes, maybe I am paranoid but it just sounds dodgy to me. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I just don't want you getting hurt.

 

[p-no]

How do you know he is being honest by his words? They are words. I don't think you should just assume you are being paranoid just because you have PTSD.

I agree with this. I think, as Abstract said, trusting your instincts (learning to) is also important. What I really wondered was, why would he not tell me if all he said then was all to the story. There's nothing wrong with any of it.

When you have made experiences with socio-/psychopaths, you are not necessarily paranoid when you say something like Lizio just posted. It really is experience, real life experience with people using words solely as a means to get them what they want. Some people have no other way than to think of something they want (i.e. relationship with person X) and will then plan and act out the action they think will get them there. That action (including words they use) is not real in itself, but solely used, just like taking a bus to get from place A to B.

Having said that, yes, that does not have to be the case here. But some of us had to learn (more than once even) that it is even possible that people can be like that. It's a terrible experience, especially if it involves someone you have chosen yourself, did not have to have in your life, but readily chose to have. So, summing up, when I post something like I did, I am not doing it saying between the lines that they are socio-/psychopaths, but to just watch out and be careful, a lot more than you think you should be, because I wouldn't want you to get hurt.

I do think though, that in order to be able to (learn to) trust your instincts, you would have to allow feelings. I am not refering to feelings for the other person, but for the relationship you're already in and for how it goes (relationship generally speaking).

 

[Loloma]

Lizio, I do know where he is living. With an ex army buddy not far from me. Yes having PTSD changes the way we think and see things. Although sometimes we need to step back and give people a chance before wiping them out of our lives. Of course I should be cautious, and in the beginning of this thread I was unhappy with the situation. It has improved to a degree and I will give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

As I explained the situation is complicated, not just from the PTSD perspective, also because of his work and the constant travelling. Perhaps I could have chosen someone who was here all the time. However I had no intention of starting a relationship when I met him. I just ended up with a double whammy of PTSD and distance. That's typical me, why do it the easy way if you can do it the hard way. It's something I don't mean to do, but find myself in situations that are complex.

For now I will give him more time and watch his actions and not his words. Thanks for caring, I appreciate it.

 

[Loloma]

After all the words I have just written, I have to admit that yes I have become emotionally involved with him. More than I care to admit. If he is not what he appears to be, I will walk away and move on with my life.

I will not be devastated by a man again. I am not desperate.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I hope he turns out to be legit (((((Loloma))))) I know that feeling of needing someone to love and loneliness I think is just the worst. I feel like imploding from the inside sometimes with the loneliness. It is so easy to become emotionally involved with someone or to just distance so we don't get hurt.

You are doing the right things, and checking out your instincts, I find that really helps with me to go over what is in my head with others because I am so unsure of myself always.

As you said the key here is if he is lying and not what he appears to be then walk away. Him not being violent and behaving really nice is great but, unfortunately it can change once the honeymoon period is over and you are too sucked in. My psychologists analogy of the frog in the boiling pot is just great for me, I can see exactly how what happened with my relationship happened.

If his story checks out and, I really hope it does, then that is great. You are doing all the right things to make sure you find that special man. Part of that is filtering out any possible slime balls (and I am not saying that this guy is a slimeball, just we need to filter and check out and he should understand that because he has PTSD too. In fact any woman should be doing that, PTSD or not).

Don't mean you can't have some fun dating and having some companionship but just checking out your instincts is part of trusting yourself and gives you power and confidence that you are in the right relationship and you are a strong woman who is deserving of a good man. You are a good woman, if this guy turns out to be wrong, there will be others.

 

[Loloma]

I have made a decision to end this "relationship". It's just too emotionally draining for me, sending me into a tail spin of confusion and anxiety. Perhaps the way he is has nothing to do with PTSD, just being an excuse for bad behavior. It's all too one sided and to his benefit..

 

[Abstract]

Good for you Loloma. I have to say and I know this sounds awful but just someone having having PTSD would be enough for me. I can't cope with the inconsistencies that will always come along for the ride. And I wouldn't be able to cope with the behaviour you describe in this thread.

 

[Loloma]

Abstract, I am having trouble dealing with the whole situation. The problem is I have started to have deep feelings for this man, which is causing my confusion. I know if I let it continue, it is me who will get hurt. My own PTSD is a struggle for me as I go through periods of extreme sadness and loneliness.

To keep stable, I need to avoid stressors if at all possible. It does sadden me as I have only being seeing what I want to see. All the words in the world, don't make up for the actions. I was thinking of giving him more time, but I don't think it would change anything. I feel stupid, waiting for when he will next turn up, and to be honest it makes me feel like I'm his mistress. It not another woman, it's his work and lifestyle that come first. It may sound clinical but I calculated how much time we would spend together the way it is going now.

He stays an average of 12 hours once a fortnight. There are 352 days in the year, it totals approximately 13 days in a year. That is a minuscule amount of time and to my way of thinking, definitely not what I would call a relationship. More like an arrangement.

 

[Abstract]

Loloma,
This is the way I see it. Yes there are possible sinister motivations behind his actions and possible "innocent" ish ones but regardless if you take things at face value it still needs to work for you.

The only way I have managed to get some relative stability is to remove absolutely every stressor that I could possibly remove.

One I wouldn't be able to cope with someone elses PTSD. I know that sounds a little harsh but that automatically brings with it masses of stressors along the way. Then regardless of me not being able to commit to time together him being so emotionally and physically absent would play on certain vulnerabilities.

It sounds like you are saying that that is the case for you too. Feeling you are waiting for him to turn up both physically and emotionally is no way to live when you have other things to deal with already.

I think calculations such as the ones you did are exactly the right way to go. That way you see past the emotions and use your cognitive mind. It would make anyone feel like an arrangement and there is even a chance that it is. There is a possibility that I would behave like he has in some respects because of finding company fairly intolerable so it doesnt have to be about that but regardless it isnt OK. He is either dodgy or not ready for a relationship...

Good for you.

 

[Loloma]

Abstract, I think you summed it up very well. Possibly it is a combination of his PTSD and personality that makes him the way he is. Emotionally and physically absent, I like that. When he is here. he's fully here. When he's gone it likes he's flipped a switch and turned off. It's very unsettling, and definitely not normal. Somehow he can't or won't see that he's like this.

I personally can't handle it, as previously stated it is unnerving for me. Feelings of abandonment, uncertainty and being taken advantage of spring to mind. I feel like a daisy with the petals being pulled off thinking "He loves me, he loves me not". It has taken me years to trust again after what I've been through. Being in such a relationship only brings all my insecurities to the surface. Hence my decision to end it.

By the way doing the calculations was the best way to put it into perspective. Cognitive therapy was what brought me back from the abyss that I fell into years ago. Thank you and Lizio for your kind words.;)

 

[p-no]

I was just about to say that doing calculations such as this is just looking at a reality and getting the bigger picture. What I have learned to do is "add some grey" into it, i.e. I would probably have added a certain percentage of the 13 days since change is possible with trust growing, etc. I personally think this is realistic, too, some change, but also for the worse of course. So, still, 20 days a year wouldn't be enough for me either. Needless to say six aren't.

You always go first. Abstract, I really like how you said that about relative stability. Stability is a very important thing considering where we've all come from and how we got to here despite it all. It is something very valuable to lose or give up! Stability is something we have worked for and given to ourselves. It's like literally working, making money and buying something you've always wanted. It's a real gift to self.

Wishing you some peace of mind and soul, Loloma.