Venting About My Mom. I Need Some Supportive Words Or Advice Please.

[Abstract]

I think some people have problems in a way where they are not actually able to see others as separate human beings and rather see them as an extension of themselves. Sometimes that is obvious but other times it can be more difficult to pinpoint as they dress aggression or acting out up in the form of care. It can be crazy making and very difficult to see what is happening. Sometimes what is dressed as care can be control, aggression or a self focused need to be needed and can be very difficult to describe.

Not saying that is the case here and a lot of it sounds like it was very obvious acting out but thought would write it anyway.

I am so sorry she exposed you to someone so dangerous and knowingly and did not protect you. It is hard to understand how a mother could do that. It may well be that she is so caught up in her own experiences that she does not have the capacity to function in that way.

One of the best things I ever did was accept what I could and could not get from various people such as family members and protect myself accordingly. I don't ask my mother for help as it isn't safe for me to do so. While I kept trying I was just continuing the cycle of hope and disappointment and sadness a etc. I now have a much more manageable relationship with her as a result and have mostly mourned that I won't be able to get some things from her. Its an acceptance of who she is and my vulnerable areas and what I need to do to protect them. It was like mourning her death as it was the death of the idea of who I wanted her to be and an acceptance of who she is. I still have ups and downs with this and it is sometimes very difficult.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Wow abstract that was very helpful and reasonates with me. I stopped visiting my mom about 7 years ago. I see her on holidays or randomly at my sisters. Those encounters don't last long because I can't be near her without my body signaling danger. Its very sad.

The not being able to function makes sense. I have my fiancees family and they are wonderful. Still not the same but I am very lucky to have them in my life. My fiancée kindly shares his good people with me. It has been nice. I feel bad I can't really give him what he gives me in regards to family, but he agrees they hurt more than help. Just the Hugh complexity of it all.

 

[DMerish]

Gosh, Ashdawn - that has got to be really tough. Your mom sounds like someone that I'd call "asleep" - no insight in to those with whom she comes into contact or insight/ability to do anything for themselves inwardly, i.e. healing. All "take" no "give" - I'm sorry.

Our situations (you/your mom's and me/my daughter's) are very different. I grew up in a relatively healthy family; however, my mother was struck by a drunk driver and sustained a traumatic brain injury so she just wasn't "there" for most of my life. Thankfully, my dad was a good at being "mom" also, and I had lots of aunts, etc. My children's father comes from a family of chemical abusers. My boys seem to have predominately received my genes while my daughter received her father's. And, we're just different types - she being artistic/introverted/passive and me analytical/more extroverted/active. Because of my past, I think, no, I know I was/am a good mom - maybe to her detriment . . .

Anyhoo, it sounds like the safest thing for you is to go very low contact or no contact with your mom, since at the very least doing so will give you space to allow for healing.

Best regards,
Drew

 

[Court]

Ashdawn I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can understand some of the things are my mom was awful when I was younger. My mother in law sounds just like your description and my husband can't break free from her completely either.

I personally never understood until a few years ago why my husband keeps her around when she is toxic(and that's putting it nicely) but after really pushing him for why he told me even though she is awful he feels bad as she did give him life. He says he can tell himself he is done but then after a few months past he reaches out again for her only to do something to destroy him. I have cut her out of me and my children's lives. I hope one day she can love her son the way he wants her to or he just cuts her lose but it is between them.

As far as when the day comes and you become a mom because you have recognized the things that you dislike you can be a great mom. I broke the cycle my kids are my world. I hug them and kiss them and am prolly a lil over protective but I know they see all I do and how important they are to me. I refuse to let my moms awful parenting rub off on me. I think your kind heart with bring much love to a child.

I hope you feel better soon and don't let her take away the great person you are inside and out!!!!

Court

 

[ashdawn8287]

You sound like a great mom. I am so sorry about your mother. That makes me sad. Thank you so much for talking to me about this. I wish you and your daughter pea e and happiness. I am an introvert too but I am pretty good at being social, more so these days than ever before.

It feels nice to get this off my chest. I know for some this my seem really bad and complex but I am very good at taking care of myself. Sometimes it's nice to get those issues out and vent. I am use to complexity and my past and although instances like this are not fun, I am okay.

 

[DMerish]

One of the best things I ever did was accept what I could and could not get from various people such as family members and protect myself accordingly

Forgot to mention . . . years ago I went through what Abstract described, i.e. mourning the lack/the loss of not having a mother. It was difficult, and then did it all over again when she actually did die. A couple of years after, I was at a summer party with some friends and met this lovely older lady. I really liked her, and over the course of the evening in our conversations with others I noticed we had some similar interest. At one point in the evening she began talking about her two sons, whom she adored, then added she always wanted a daughter also, but it just wasn't in her cards. Without thinking, and in front of all these other people, I heard myself ask if she wanted adopt me. That was 22 years ago - I love her dearly and I know she loves me as her daughter.

Drew

 

[ashdawn8287]

Court that was really sweet thank you it was much appreciated. I am glad you cut your mother in law out of you and your child's life. My mom will have little to no contact with my kids when I have them. You sound like a great mom as well. It is nice seeing that or hearing about good mom situations. I don't have a single doubt that I will be a good mom. Thank you so much for sharing.

I am okay I just like to vent, discuss, process, and release any stress. I figured this forum was a good place to go with that particular issue.

My fiancée cooked me dinner and kept my spirits up. I am very grateful I have him in my life. He has changed my ugly view of the world completely.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I slowly over many years had to cut off contact with every member of my original family. For ten years I grieved the loss of them, but they are so toxic to be around I had to choose my own family and let my nuclear family go their own way.

This choice has been made by so many people.

In a healthy family, members love and care for each other.

I am so sorry you have to go through this bad experience and no matter what you choose, I wish you well.

 

[Tanishq]

Ashdawn, my mom who gave me birth person is very similar like yours.

Over the years, I learned she will never be there and never bother to reach out her. Just leave her alone, move on. I am young man, I do want mother figure. But I have understood the person who gave me birth is not willing to give me love, care I need. It has hurt me so much. But since I have moved on from her, it's been peace for a while for me.

Here is a hug if you need one. :hug:

 

[ashdawn8287]

I am hoping I meet someone on my journey that will be the kind of person I look up to and follow, like a mom.

Jaret here is a HUGE hug coming your way. Hang in there BB (bladder buddy) and we are here for you. :)

 

[therisa]

Ashdawn, it took me, six years to realize that the love I need and crave, wouldn't be coming from my mom, after she found out, about my transsexual nature. As she found reasons, not to be seen with me, in public places, beyond visiting my dad's grave. Treating me, like the 4 year old chid, who got her mouth, electrically burnt. I do hope, any decision, you make, will aid you, your sister and neice, in the healing process.No one deserves to be abuse by a parent.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We are programmed to want that motherly love, so when we can't get it, we think that we did something wrong and feel guilty. Well, no more! I don't feel guilty for walking away. I'm just sick of people telling me to call my mother or do activities involving her.