I slipped and fell and was unconscious for 5-10 minutes. My exam was normal, they did not see the broken rib on initial x-ray. I went to work 8 hours later and for the next week continued a very busy schedule. When I came to, I remember thinking that I was a child and was going to be in trouble with my mother. I got a whipping if I skinned my knees or fell down and my mother would rage that there was something wrong with my coordination. So the first though was that I had to get home, my mother is going to kill me. I was 48 and my mother died in 2001.
A week later, I had not slept 12 hours all week from the pain, and now I could not breath. I went to the dr. They called the next day and said I had a broken rib, but the blood test revealed low probablity of blood clot and the rib would heal on its own. I was releaved. Ten minutes later they called back and said that the lung scan that I had that day at the hospital revealed that I had a blood clot in my lung. I immediately thought of how many people I knew who had a blood clot in their lung and died. Actually, I never knew anyone who lived. They told me to get prepared to be admitted. Half hour later told me to come to dr office. My family dr talked to pulmonary dr who said blood test more accurate and that lung scans often wrong. He said to schedule ultra sound of lung before admitting and medicating me. The next day, 6 am-lung scan-negative. The wait was the longest 24 hours of my life. I have a 70 yr old friend that was a nurse when she was 20. She immediately came to my house-she meant well. But she did not want me to move, insisting the clot could move.
The fall was traumatizing. Being told I had a blood clot was traumatizing. During that 20 hr period I did not want to scare my 16 and 18 yr old daughter so told them to continue with their plans. I tried to minimize it. I thought of the childhood I had survived with an alcoholic mother. Her driving me drunk. I managed to escaped being molested or raped by the men I was exposed to. I survived a 6 yr relationship with a bi polar addicted husband that beat me up on many occasions and put me in hospital only once with concussion when I was unconscious after head beaten on pavement. He drove like a maniac to scare me when he was mad or just for fun. I developed cfids and fibromyalgia and beat that. I thought of the risks that I had taken, everything from hitch hiking as a teenager to unprotected (rare) sex. I ruminated this whole time knowing that I was going to die for sure. I survived all of this, made a good life for myself, just got my masters degree and passed my licensing exam a year before, and now I was going to die because of a puddle on the floor when I went to buy a friend flowers. I rumenated about what I survived and was frozen. I was a good person, I was a great mother, very involved and patient and nurturing. I would not see my kids graduate or get married. It was a long day. I devoted my life/career to helping others for a low wage. Why was this happening to me.
I was mad at myself for going to work in the morning and every other morning to prevent letting my clients down and to prevent financial hardship as well. I was mad for not returning to the ER sooner when I was getting worse, but the dr in the ER told me I would feel worse before better once the injuries set in. Now I wondered if they were correct about the CT of head, or did I have a bleed that was overlooked. Who can I trust. I dont trust Krogers, they hired some stoned guy to clean the floor and he left a puddle and did not put signs up. I couldnt trust the ER. Who was going to take care of my girls, My husband lived with his selfish mother since her husband died, and was inept as a husband and father. At least my daughters were past the point of starting their periods without a mother. What else have I not told them about life that I should have- so, so much that I wanted to say now, but that would scare them. Who would make medical decisions if I could not. Were my papers and files in order. I need to write instructions to a collegue to take over my files as to not hurt my patients in the event of death. I had myself dead.
Even though I did not have a blood clot, I was angry after this. I was frustrated. I was frustrated at the way my husband was, at the way my oldest daughter treated me, at all kinds of things that had never bothered me. I was sleep deprived and thought that was it. I could no longer hear the alarm clock blaring in my ear. I could not wake up and get going easily. Nobody told me that the brain continues to swell after the accident and damage continues for weeks or months at the cellular level. Now I was forgetting words. My morning routine of years confused me, making me late for everything. I looked in my closet and had no idea what to wear.
After this, I cried very easily. I feared not having someone to take me to the hospital if I had an accident. I feared being forgotten. I feared medical staff being incompetent.
The fall changed my life, but worse was that the fall changed my attitude. It was the beginning of anxiety and depression and my careless impulsive choices after the fall led to ptsd. I felt empathy for people that I would have never allowed in my life. I was gullable. I didnt get a joke easily. I had slow processing. I stuggled with work although my job was fairly easy, I could not handle the paper work. I suffered head aches for a long time. I was tried on medications that often did not work. I began using alcohol to numb myself. I suspected others noticed my changes. I became less effective in getting my needs met and in expressing myself. I dated a certified alcoholic that said he quit and was going to meetings. He had my back and helped me financially, at a high cost to my mental health. He also tried to choke me and left me stranded in Florida. I had to get an emergency flight home. After 2 yrs, I had to quit working. I thought this would help me recover. It only robbed me of the little self esteem that I had left, and left an empty place in my life. I thought that would help, but that is when my self esteem plummeted. Then I was assaulted in my home by a cop who thought that I was someone who he had arrested in the past. I told him I had never been arrested but that only fueled his anger as he accused me of calling him a liar. He tore my rotator cuff and assaulted me after putting a gun to my face. Then took me for a joy ride, took me in the cruiser to an alley, I was face down and cuffed, when the paramedics deliberately dropped me hard on a back board and put a neck brace on me. and took me to the hospital, then to magistrate court, all the while in old raggy pajamas with missing buttons and draw strings with my body exposed, verbally abusing me for an hour at the hospital. I began having post menopausal bleeding, diagnosed as abnormal vaginal bleeding. Telling me that I am nobody. That I may be educated but I have no f....ing sense. That I am a looser. All kinds of verbal abuse. I was injured and overdosed on meds given in the ER 2 weeks later. My insurance took counseling away after 6 visits. Two months later I attempted suicide.
My point is that often ptsd is not the result of one thing. The resilient person that was like the little engine that says "I think I can" turned into the person who knows she cant. So I isolate. I trust the tv, I trust the computer, I trust my dogs. I dont trust many people. The best I can do is projects around the house to keep busy and keep my chin up.
Sorry for the length. I have a problem expressing myself without too much detail often. I dont have the right words, My vision has changed. I suffered facial tic for 4 years or so after this. My sister made fun of me for it. My family is embarrassed of me. Disability is not enough to live on. That is depressing, Not having enough money to buy meds and dog food causes anxiety. My drug addicted alcoholic niece attempted to attack me a few months ago because I would not give her my pain medication. My daughter who I put through law school has not only verbally abused me, she does not want to have a mother with ptsd and tbi, but did not become firm on this until I spent about $60,000 on her. I had to give it to her. When she gets mad there is hell to pay. She has knocked me down, shoved my head in the refrigerator, and slammed my foot in the door on purpose. She lies and steals and is a great lawyer. When she doesnt get her way, she gets her dad on me. Last May, I begged to not have to move her from law school because of torn rotator cuff and herniated discs and fatigue. Her and her dad coerced me into doing it. I had to pack her stuff (she was unprepared). I had to scrub everything that had not been cleaned in 2 years, do all the vacuuming, and scrub carpet while she stood around. Her and the boys and her dad drank beer. The guys did load the truck. After dumping all this in my house with barely a path, she took the boys out drinking for helping her. (Boyfriend of 7 years cant help her without her being the DD for the night.) Then she returned for finals and left my home in a disaster.
I have become content with isolating
I got a settlement when I was depressed and only 4 months after suicide attempt. Being the sucker and generous person I am, I gave a large portion away and am broke again. I blew some trying to feel better and traveled. I helped everyone out. But I can honestly say only about 3 people in my life have done nice things for me with no expectations.
My therapist says I have ptsd from childhood, but it feels to me that it started with this accident. Maybe it was lying dorment, and my attitude, humor, and resiliency saved me until this accident. I was never diagnosed until after the police assault. I was 50, 110 pounds, never arrested, not even a speeding ticket. The officer knew me from court where I advocated for abused women, but I could not get the words out and froze at his questions because he was yelling at me from the start because it was time for him to change shifts. I was a soccer mom and law abiding citizen. I now relate more to criminals and addicts of sorts. Maybe I have stockholm syndrome too. I have lost most friends, except the true few that I have known for ever. My family are worthless, as I can no longer be their bank, maid, and taxi. I am useless and pray not to wake up everynight when I go to sleep. If there is a God, he will bring me home and re-unite me with my loved ones who have died prematurely.
If it turns out that you have ptsd, there is hope for you. If it is not ptsd, as there are many things that resemble, there is help for that. Please see a specialist soon and dont let it go on too long because without professional resources it will get worse. Sometimes it gets worse before better anyway. If it turns out that it is not ptsd, there is good treatment for everything if you find the right place. For your sake, I hope that it is not ptsd. Having such an illness can cause depression and anxiety and other things that may feel like ptsd. I am sure you have lost trust for employers, and jobs are hard to find. God Bless you, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Brat
