Dissociated In The Middle Of An Emdr Session

[stuff]

I've been aware of my dissociation over the years. It's frustrating. I miss large chunks of conversations and I'm left scrambling to have an idea what a conversation is about. I will make statements about my week, and then someone will ask me for specific details and I can't recall any of them or even what I did. I can sometimes recall details of my day to day life, but I can't remember who I was with. I have fog days where try as I might I can't follow a single thing, and I've been aware that sometimes things just go blank.

My T and I have discussed this a little bit, but it happened in session for the first time this week, and for some reason it terrified me that she had been aware of what happened. In the middle of an emdr treatment, I just got lost, like totally completely and utterly lost. I went completely blank. For a moment, I didn't know where I was, and I definitely had no idea what I was supposed to be doing, or why. I was terrified, and upon realizing where I was, I told her I didn't know what was going on and I wasn't sure what our therapy session was about.

I feel so exposed, like my usual together self couldn't hide how f*&d up things get sometimes. For some reason it has terrified me. Maybe because someone else being there for that experience makes it feel actually real, and now I have to confront that this really does happen.

I feel like this has really rattled me. It's affecting my interactions with people and making me worry like crazy. I don't know what to do. She has me scheduled for another session before Christmas, but I'm nearly afraid to go.

 

[Deleted member 18510]

Things to know about EMDR therapy and dissociative disorders!

I'm a therapist who uses EMDR therapy my primary psychotherapy treatment and I've also personally had EMDR therapy for anxiety, panic, grief, and “small t” trauma. As a client, EMDR worked extremely well and also really fast. As an EMDR therapist, and in my role as a facilitator who trains other therapists in EMDR therapy (certified by the EMDR International Association and trained by the EMDR Institute, both of which I strongly recommend in an EMDR therapist) I have used EMDR therapy successfully with panic disorders, PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, body image, phobias, distressing memories, and bad dreams, DID, and many other problems. It's a very gentle method with no significant "down-side" so that in the hands of a professional EMDR therapist, there should be no freak-outs or worsening of day-to-day functioning.

One of the initial phases (Phase 2) in EMDR therapy involves preparing for memory processing or desensitization (memory processing or desensitization - phases 3-6 - is often what is referred to as "EMDR" which is actually an 8-phase method of psychotherapy). In this phase resources are "front-loaded" so that you have a "floor" or "container" to help with processing the really hard stuff, as well as creating strategies if you're triggered in everyday life. In Phase 2 you learn a lot of great coping strategies and self-soothing techniques which you can use during EMDR processing or anytime you feel the need. There is a special EMDR therapy protocol for dissociative disorders and complex PTSD. The treatment of trauma and dissociation with EMDR therapy (or any therapy) requires special/extra training. Be absolutely certain the therapist has specialized training in DD, as well as advanced training in EMDR therapy. Neither EMDR therapy nor any psychotherapy should go digging for memories. Memories are gone - may be buried/held in different parts - for good reasons. It's really a brilliant protection. Always talk with your therapist at the beginning of your work about what you already know is grounding.

In phase 2 you learn how to access a “Safe or Calm Place” which you can use at ANY TIME during EMDR processing (or on your own) if it feels scary, or too emotional, too intense. One of the key assets of EMDR therapy is that YOU, the client, are in control NOW, even though you weren’t in the past, during traumatic events. You NEVER need re-live an experience or go into great detail, ever! You NEVER need to go through the entire memory. YOU can decide to keep the lights (or the alternating sounds and/or tactile pulsars, or the waving hand, or any method of bilateral stimulation that feels okay to you and your parts) going, or stop them, whichever helps titrate – measure and adjust the balance or “dose“ of the processing. During EMDR processing there are regular “breaks” and you can control when and how many but the therapist should be stopping the bilateral stimulation every 25-50 passes of the lights to ask you to take a deep breath and say just a bit of what you’re noticing, anything different, any changes. (The stimulation should not be kept on continuously, because there are specific procedures that need to be followed to process the memory). The breaks help keep a “foot in the present” while you’re processing the past. Again, and I can’t say this enough, YOU ARE IN CHARGE so YOU can make the process tolerable. And your therapist should be experienced in the EMDR therapy techniques that help make it the gentlest and safest way to detoxify bad life experiences and build resources.

Grounding exercises are essential. You can use some of the techniques in Dr. Shapiro's new book "Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR." Dr. Shapiro is the founder/creator of EMDR but all the proceeds from the book go to two charities: the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Program and the EMDR Research Foundation). The book is an easy read, helps you understand what's "pushing" your feelings and behavior, helps you connect the dots from past experiences to current life. Also gives lots of really helpful ways that are used during EMDR therapy to calm disturbing thoughts and feelings.

For DID, as with any complex PTSD/trauma, the "front-loading" of resources, and a phased treatment plan is essential. Please read the 2011 revision of International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) guidelines for treating adults with dissociative disorders available for free public download at the ISSTD website.
Also good to read:
"Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder" by Tracy Alderman
"Healing the Heart of Trauma and Dissociation with EMDR and Ego State Therapy" by Carol Forgash

In addition to my therapy practice, I roam the web looking for EMDR therapy discussions, try to answer questions about it posted by clients/patients, and respond to the critics out there. It's not a cure-all therapy, however, it really is an extraordinary psychotherapy and its results last. In the hands of a really experienced EMDR therapist, it's the most gentle way of working through disturbing experiences.

 

[Ghostybear73]

It happens to me a lot during a session with my therapist. Your opening up about things that are traumatic and most likely bring about a lot of emotion, so it makes sense for a person to dissociate and go somwhere that feels safe, even if you don't know where you went. I'm sure this is not the first time your therapist has had someone dissociate in a session (at least one would hope). I would talk about it in your next session!

;)

 

[macca]

Hey Stuff - it's sounds like you feel like she's seen more than you usually let people see, and that can feel so scary. Ghostybear is right though, your T will surely have experience with people dissociating before. I had a session recently that I was afraid to go to, as I felt really vulnerable about some stuff from the previous session, but my T wasn't seeing it as me being messed up, she was seeing that stuff as just part of my symptoms. It helped me see that it wasn't me - it was PTSD - I hope that makes sense! Going back was hard, but really helped me I think, in moving forward. I would definitely tell her - if you feel you can trust her, it'll be ok.

@DrPatti I'm sure your intentions are from nothing but good, and I can only speak for myself - but your post was so long and intensively detailed that I could not focus on the content. Many people dealing with trauma seem to have trouble reading material such as that when they are dealing with strong PTSD symptoms. What little I could glean, and from coming across your seemingly identical posts elsewhere on this website, it seems that you just insert your spiel wherever you can, regardless of what the person asked in the original thread. This seems a little insensitive, as this person was not looking for detailed information about EMDR, but wanting to ask others about their experiences of dissociation, and to get support.

 

[samson]

I have an excellent therapist who is very experienced in emdr and has more training than you can imagine. Some days are just like that. I tended to dissociate after my sessions. One time I got lost driving home. Went 20 miles south of where I should be before I realized it. My T did everything he was supposed to to ground me and make sure I was ok. I even told him I was ok. Take your time and try not to be freaked out. I've been doing emdr for nearly two years now for multiple traumas and I am finally starting to feel like my old self again. Ptsd symptoms are gone for now. I was reading my first journal I started keeping at the beginning of treatment and I said that I have had 8 sessions now and I figure we are half way through. HA!

 

[arfie]

The total loss of control is what terrifies me about dissociation. When I catch myself at it... Over the course of decades I believe I have learned to spot when I do it reflexively and am fully okay with it. Even grateful. Well used I believe it is what allows me to stay calm in the midst of chaos. Used carelessly, it eats me alive from the inside out.

I shoot for awareness and management. Some days I am more on target than other days.

Hope you find what works for you, stuff.

 

[Hashi]

In addition to my therapy practice, I roam the web looking for EMDR therapy discussions, try to answer questions about it posted by clients/patients, and respond to the critics out there.

I'm not sure you do respond to the critics out there, because I have been a critic of a couple of your posts here with no response from you. Probably because all you seem to do is drop by to advertise EMDR, and yourself, rather than participate. As macca pointed out, you are just putting your spiel in threads that mention EMDR, which is what I've seen you do many times. Same old promotional post, over and over. The new angle of talking about DID is curious, since DID wasn't mentioned. You've tied this in to complex trauma, shame you haven't responded to any of my previous concerns stated directly to you about this - it might be more reassuring if you had.

So, leaving Dr Patti aside and getting on topic....

stuff, has your therapist scheduled you for another session of EMDR? This is concerning me. What has she said about what just happened?

 

[stuff]

Yes, my T is very qualified. I think this next session will be to discuss the dissociation stuff. I've been doing EMDR on and off for the last four years (I have experienced multiple traumas). I think I'm a little rattled because things have gone so well up until now, but we are finally getting to some really buried stuff. And yes, as was said, I think it was scary to show that much of myself. I know the symptoms have been present since my teens, but I've always worked so hard to keep them under wraps.

 

[stuff]

Thanks for the support guys. :)

 

[Barconian]

I have used EMDR therapy successfully with panic disorders, PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, body image, phobias, distressing memories, and bad dreams, DID, and many other problems. It's a very gentle method with no significant "down-side" so that in the hands of a professional EMDR therapist, there should be no freak-outs or worsening of day-to-day functioning.

EMDR does not work on anxiety and depression, unless the anxiety and depression is associated to the trauma or trauma's which caused the PTSD. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing removes the flashbacks and nightmares, with the related anxiety and only related to the trauma the patient is visualizing at the time and you can only do one flashback at a time.

Anyone can do EMDR on themselves, by using a mirror like the woman from California (Dr what ever her name is) did or have a trusted friend help, so long as you do it exactly the right way, each time.

I found that as I brought the picture up and held it there, whilst doing EMDR, after a while I would lose the picture and had to stop and rest, until I could get it back... I also found it was very draining for me emotionally and would take time to recover after each session. You need to remember that when you bring up the picture, noise or smell... The original "FEAR" comes with it and I would imagine that would be why some start to disassociate.

To save anyone asking! No I am not a Dr of anything... I only finished high school and I'm not that bright! And Dr Patti needs a to read more than one book on the subject and stop listening to the board of psychology, who think they know everything about nothing.

 

[Abstract]

Hi stuff,

I went completely blank. For a moment, I didn't know where I was, and I definitely had no idea what I was supposed to be doing, or why

I do this a lot in therapy and despite my best efforts and I do it outside of therapy in various ways too. It's annoying isn't it?

For some reason it has terrified me. Maybe because someone else being there for that experience makes it feel actually real, and now I have to confront that this really does happen.

What I find for me is that when I reveal something about my inner world and it is witnesses in some way I feel very exposed and vulnerable. I think it's that feeling that they have "the goods" on me and can use it against me! It is also about being and feeling real. Having the reality plopped down in front of me. Reality is not something I do naturally. In person always has the biggest impact on me and T most of all.

It sounds like this is another breaking down of barriers between you and could turn out to be a good thing.

I also find dissociation can be helpful in a way as it shows up the "hot spots" in a way.

I am assuming you and her will work out a plan to keep you safer before you EMDR again. I hope so.

 

[stuff]

Hi stuff,
I think it's that feeling that they have "the goods" on me and can use it against me!

Wow, does that ever strike a note.