It All Keeps Adding Up... Can I Get Some Support? ... Please?

[chant2012]

So, here are just some things that have been happening in the last month... I found out about the 4th and 5th bullet points within an hour or two of each other...

• Anni (of a particular r*pe) this month and I want December to be over... It's the 29th... Persistent panic attacks that cause severe repercussions... It's beginning to affect my job as a nurse... I can't have this right now... I just can't handle this all right now...

• Dissociation and PTSD have been through the roof!
• Work is stressin me out and triggerin me badly.
• Found out my aunt has a very aggressive form of lung cancer and is dying and now any talk of death makes me panic... I am so sad... My mom is upset... We aren't really even having a Christmas this year because she;s not in the mood... Not that I get it off anyway... I go in at 3 pm on the 25th and get off at 6 am on the 26th and have to be back in at 4pm that same day... I have yet to get any holiday off...
• My best friend (the one who hurt me if y'all remember the whole St. Patty's Day ordeal) got pregnant and never even told me... I know we weren't talking, but this was the ultimate betrayal... I guess being best friends since we were 5 (so almost 17 years) means nothing to her... I mean, for f*cks sake... We were like sisters... Inseparable we were! We finished each others' sentences... Did absolutely everything together... We were always there for the other.
  We always talked about how when one of us would get pregnant, we would go shopping and be involved in the pregnancy somehow...
  
  Normally, I would have been one of the first people she called... Instead, I get told by my mom, who got a text from her (my friend's) mom... It just hurts so damn much...
  I just stared at my mom for a few seconds and then said, "Uh,.. oh... okay..." *Short Pause* cue tears....
  
  I gave her about a week or so to tell me herself... I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt.
  
  But she never did... And so, I felt terrible not telling her something, because that would make me a bad friend... so I texted her "Congrats! Happy for you. When are you due?"
  
  "Who is this?" she replied.
  
  Thinking that maybe she changed her number and didn't tell me, I said, "It's Chantel. Is this not ______?"
  
  "Yes, it is... Sorry my phone's acting weird. I don't know yet. I have an appointment in 2 weeks... Keep this on the DL. No Facebook." (Yeah, her phone is acting "weird"... She obviously deleted me from her contacts... Or got a new phone and didn't put me in her new one...)
  
  "I wasn't going to." I said, sad... Almost in tears...
  
  "Just making sure." She said.
  
  And that was that... No thank you for my congrats... Not even a reason for her not telling me... I doubt she would have ever told me... I had to make the first move... And this was 2 weeks ago since we talked. I have not heard from her once... And I think it is over. Age 5: pre-K/kindergarten to 21 years of age (I am now 22 but turned 22 not long after we stopped talking)... So 16, basically 17 years we have been best friends... And it is all over... It just doesn't seem real... I feel so hurt and betrayed. We have so many good memories... Gosh... F*cking b*tch... I wanted to demand why she didn't tell me... What the f*ck is her deal?!?! But I didn't I held my tongue and just internalized it...
• T has been really difficult... It just has been really cruddy...Triggered really badly, often... Dissociate... In T, while driving, at work... Yeah... Stinks...
• Oh, and I had my yearly female exam the other day.... It was awful... Made my PTSD symptoms so much more worse... Like they weren't already... And I think she could see the scars on my legs... No, I KNOW she could. It would be impossible for her not to... She didn't say anything though... She could tell I was really upset and uncomfortable.... So she made it fast, which was nice of her... But I still hated it... F*ck this sh*t...
• Then I was triggered further with the thought of her seeing the scars and it just made me wanna c*t even more... How f*cked up is that?
• I am very pissed at myself because I have such a hard time saying 'no' to people. If I do say it, I feel very guilty and upset... There we are again, repeating childhood conditioning... Don't live for myself... (This was not explicitly told to me but it was implied by 'their' actions and how I was to treat my dad and yeah it doesn't matter...)
• I sometimes have these semi-blackouts... I am not sure if it is really a blackout though.. It's like time loses all meaning and I just become not aware as much of what I am doing or what I have done... The blackouts are anywhere from a few seconds at a time to minutes and even up to an hour. Or maybe longer. I'm not sure. And like I said, it's not really a blackout per se, but like I keep becoming unaware of where I am and what I am doing and then time will like slip by and I don't notice it and I get lost... I guess I have kind of blackout out or lost time a few times maybe...? It feels like I used to feel when I smoked a ton of weed... When I look around, everything 'stutters'. Like time folds in on itself. And every few seconds it's like I forget where I am and I'm disoriented. And then right when I start to remember where or even who I am it happens again and then I am like, "Am I real? Where am I? What's happening?" It's like time means nothing. Lose all sense of time kind of. And I get tingly and it feels like I'm floating. I go numb...
  
  I am not sure if it is "true" dissociation or not... I get very spacey and am not really all the way "present" and I feel fuzzy and like I am in a dream. I can't really explain it. It is weird. Sometimes I feel disconnected from reality momentarily and I just "go through the motions" of the day while I am in this "state". I even feel time slipping by. Sometime I will look at the clock and will be like, "Waaaaa?"
  
  I will at times be talking and then just stop mid-sentence and not even know what I have been saying. People have to tell me what I have been talking about. Sometimes I can resume. Sometimes I just can't. It seems like a distant dream that I can't remember
  
  A month ago or more, while at work, I went and turned a TV off and was walking around and then sat back down (so I have been told...)
  
  Then, I asked one of the aids, "Why is the TV off?"
  
  She looked at me weird and said, "Chantel, you just came out of the soiled utility room, sat down, stared at the TV for a bit, walked over and shut it off, and then walked around. It didn't look like you had anywhere in mind you were actually walking too. Your eyes were glazed over. Then you sat back down and just kind of came out of it and asked why the TV is off. Do you feel OK?"
  
  I replied (this I remember), "I didn't turn it off. I have been sitting here this whole time."
  
  "Um, no you haven't."
  
  At first I got angry because I thought she was playing a trick on me but then the nurse at the time on that shift said that she watched me turn it off. Then the room began spinning. Or maybe it was me who was spinning (in my head)... After a while, I vaguely remembered "shutting off the TV"... But I didn't think that was reality. I don't remember doing it per se, but I remember dreaming about doing it... Or at least I thought it was a dream. It's like I watched through a foggy glass or something... But it didn't feel real at all and even then, it was hard to retrieve this memory that I thought was a dream. I even asked them if I was dreaming and if I was real... They said I was saying things that didn't really make any sense and that I just "left".
  
  Then I would come back and ask, "Am I still here?" And as soon as I would ask that, I would "trail off" again... I do remember asking these things vaguely. I remember this happened in waves... Like it was so fast... So so fast. Cycling rapidly... it's hard to explain...
  
  Any input at all???

P.S. - Sorry for this wall of text... But these are a few of the things which have been causing me a lot of stress and triggering me... I could use some support or something... Anything really...


I actually don't think that I posted it on the forums... So, if you are not sure about the St. Patty's Day Ordeal, you can skim it in the uploaded file. What I said above will maybe make more sense as you can better see the whole picture and the why we stopped talking...

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/st-pattys-day-ordeal.38770/

 

[chant2012]

• I am so scared for my aunt...
• I just can't focus... Can't stay attentive to what I need to do. half the time I walk around not knowing what I need to do or just walk around barely knowing what I am supposed to do or where I should be... Gets me into trouble... Employer told me I needed to get my shit together..
• I am soooo jumpy... Everything scares me and makes me jump... It's awful...
• I am SUPER achy and in pain all over... I HATE it and have no idea why I am feeling like this... It's wearing me out.
• I have no patience (this is a "me" problem I think though)... I snap at anyone and everything. I cussed a fork out today for like 5 minutes for me dropping it... No joke. Poor fork, it wasn't your fault... People around me are suffering... EVERYTHING is making me mad. Literally...

 

[rainy_daze]

I hear you @chant2012 , this doesn't sound easy and your words are kind of screaming off the page at me :eek:. There's a lot in there so I'll just respond to the parts that I noticed at first reading.

Your auntie being ill has clearly come as a huge shock to you and your mother. I hope you can give yourself time to adjust to the news. I'm not sure what else to say to that, but maybe others will have experienced having to come to terms with a loved one being diagnosed with cancer, and they will be better at giving you advice or talking about how they dealt with that news.

With regards to Christmas coming up, is there something you can do, just for you, to make it a happier day for you? It's really unfair you're working, but as you said, it sounds like it might be a difficult time for your mother as well, so maybe being at work will give you a break from the sadness? Just my honest opinion.

Your friend: it sounds like she is early on in her pregnancy. The only person she told was her own mother, and she had no control over who her mother then told. I would try not to take it personally, as finding out you are pregnant doesn't automatically mean you suddenly want to tell your best friend - and if she knows you have been going through hell in recent times, or you two aren't on the best terms at the moment anyway, then maybe she doesn't want to lay anything emotional on you just now? Losing friendships are difficult. I would say to let it be for now, you don't know what will happen with your friendship as time goes on, and I advise that you don't go mad at your friend for not telling you of her news (tempting though it is, because you sound very hurt), because she is dealing with her own stuff just now.

From what you said about zoning out and being on auto-pilot (I relate to the wandering around doing things a lot), it sounds like dissociation to me, mixed in with different forms of it. Have you read the help pages/threads about it? Try here:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dissociation-101.15027/
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dissociation-explained.13879/
tom123123

That's all I have to say for now chant, sorry it's not longer. Take care of yourself and rest, it's an important part of healing.

 

[chant2012]

Thank you so much for your input. Sorry it is screaming at you... :| Not trying to scream lol...

But, well, see my friend has hurt me so so badly... And she told some other girls who she used to hate... And I KNOW I would be one of the first ones... If it wasn't for the other stuff that she did to me, I wouldn't be so hurt... And she doesn't care about my hell. She knows nothing about any of this in fact... Not this recent stuff... She has been very unsupportive and told me I was a wh*re and a stupid sl*t and that I got r*ped all those times because of my stupidity... And that's what sl*ts deserves she says... It was very unlike her... I posted about it. I think I put the link in there above somewhere... But still, regardless of all of that... I would like to think she would still tell me this... The things she did to me that day... But I still love her... It just hurts...

My T says it's dissociation. But I don't know for sure... At least a facet of dissociation... Maybe.

Again, thank you so much for your input and reply. It was very well-thought out and the links will greatly help. Wishing you the best! :)

Thanks again! Blessings!

 

[rainy_daze]

Sorry chant, it's my bad for not reading the link you posted. I was also okay with the words screaming, it's just a lot of turmoil and things going on for you stress wise in the here and now, so it sounds loud, if you get me, which is fine because that's how you're feeling.

I had to stop my friendship with my closest friend years ago when she hurt me, and I know it is difficult to grieve for a person who is still alive and you've loved deeply, yet has hurt you so profoundly. I found talking about it helped me work through the anger I felt towards her and the sadness I felt not having her in my life any more, even though in the long run I did feel better. The emotions were very draining. Sorry for over-relating or over-identifying, because my situation with her was very different from yours, but I understand the feelings nonetheless.

You're welcome for the support. A :hug: if you would like one.

 

[chant2012]

Thank you for the :hug:!!! :hug: right back at you!

It is more than OK that you didn't read it all. Perfectly fine. I know there is a lot there.

I am so sorry that you relate and have had somewhat similar experiences. I support you in those and wish you all the best in your healing and recovery.

I am falling asleep so I will have to cut it short here...

Blessings

 

[Deleted member 1860]

How do you know she wasn't raped and doesn't want the whole world to know. Then you come along and force her to talk about it (rude IMHO as you don't know what's going on). I think you need to back off. The past is the past and her priorities lie elsewhere right now. Just stop making it all about you when it likely isn't.

 

[Muzikluvr]

More :hug: of support, Chant. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

 

[John_]

Hi Chant,
It sounds like your having a difficult time at the moment and I doubt I'm alone in wishing you a speedy recovery. I've read your comments about your friend Sara and this is my opinion and I mean it with the best intentions. I couldn't put up with that type of friendship I think it's just acting as an emotional roller coaster, sometimes she’s nice but recently it seems most of the time Sara is not being helpful.

If it was one of my friends making insults I'd accept many apologies for flippant remarks (especially after drinking) but Sara's remarks are far more personal. I think this may make her feel better about herself, seeing you have a hard time and being able to somewhat control your actions, in other words a big bully who's probably very good at giving out hurtful comments but I bet couldn't take it herself?

I'm sure it must be very difficult to have known somebody so long only to be left feeling betrayed but I would suggest you spend more time away from people like that and more time with people like your mum, she sounds very supportive so try and make the most of her help and remember it's a positive thing to have a member of your family there for you when you need and anybody who tries to tell you otherwise is probably jealous of your close relationship.

I hope this doesn't come across as “This is what you must or must not do” It's just my personal opinion based on my own experiences and what works for me may not be right for others.

All the best and :hug:'s

 

[chant2012]

How do you know she wasn't raped and doesn't want the whole world to know. Then you come along and force her to talk about it (rude IMHO as you don't know what's going on). I think you need to back off. The past is the past and her priorities lie elsewhere right now. Just stop making it all about you when it likely isn't.

Um, I know she wasn't. I am not making it about myself. It is her and her husband's child.

You must not have any idea what she did to me. Which is part of the reason contact has ceased... Although I miss her so much.
I NEVER forced her to talk about anything at all. I congratulated her. I never pushed her to tell me more. Not once. I let it go. I never contacted her again after our last conversation. There is no need for me to back off because I have not been overbearing. I am done with how she has treated me... In all honesty, I have been thinking... Our friendship has always been about her...

I posted a link to the rest of the story... View it if you wish to. But please don't assume what I am thinking because it is far from the truth. And I felt it was unnecessary and rather rude. I am not mad, just confused about how you would get this reaction. Wishing you the best in your recovery.

Blessings. ♥

 

[chant2012]

To all the rest of you, thank you for the support. I guess I am ready to accept what she did back then... This whole pregnancy thing would not be a big deal if it were not for what she did back in March... And honestly, I am not mad about her not wanting it on Facebook. I get it. I totally do. I just feel hurt she didn't tell me... I feel hurt she has cut contact with me after what she did... Although in retorspect, it is probably a good thing contact has been cut...

As for the other things that I posted about... I pray and hope that in time, these will ease off.

I wish the best for each and every one of you in your recovery and healing journeys!!! Blessings to you all!

Safe :hug: if anyone wants one.

 

[chant2012]

Anni is in 2 days...

And I found out several days ago that my dad has cancer... I don't know how bad yet... I was in such shock for a couple days and just cried and cried. Because as much as I am upset at my dad for all the things that have happened between him and I and his family... I still love him. We used to be best friends. And I know deep in my soul he didn't do the things he did with sexual intent... They were not good, they were 'weird' things, but he didn't have these gross motives behind them. He loves me so much. And when it comes to his friend r*ping me and my dad not doing anything about it... Well, that is just how it is... The physical stuff wasn't too often and it was when he lost his cool. I get it. It is easy to lose your temper... But it still hurt a lot, the things he did.

I do and I love him and there is much more that outweighs the bad... And I just can't forgive myself for how I have acted towards him the last few years... I hate myself... I do. I pray he is OK. I love him so much... So upset by all of what was happening... And now this...

To make it worse, no one at work understands why I am so jumpy... They all think it is funny... No one gets why I have such anxiety attacks or why I am depressed... If they only knew... If they knew why, maybe they wouldn't find it so funny. My PTSD symptoms are through the roof and I guess I just want someone to sit with me. I am not OK...