Did Something Messed Up Don't Know What To Do

[Petros]

So last new year's I was withdrawing from Zoloft and intoxicated and got kicked out of a night club and walked home alone in the cold and came home and took an old tv that didn't work and smashed it against a chest of drawers, repeatedly, until the tv was completely destroyed into pieces and the chest of drawers was severely damaged. I also smashed my alarm clock and then I cut myself on my forearms with some of the broken glass and metal. This was the first and last time I've injured myself that badly, or had such a destructive outburst. I was incredibly lonely and upset, but also out of control because of the alcohol and effects of Zoloft withdrawal, I think. It was a total meltdown. I was incredibly lonely after the loss of a relationship I had with someone I loved very much, incredibly depressed, poor, unemployed, living with a bipolar father and somewhat sexually abusive mother at age 29.

These all sound like excuses though and it's been so difficult trying to come to terms with what I did. Often over the past year I've just ignored that it happened; for the past year I have covered the chest of drawers up with an old duvet and old clothes hoping they won't notice. I feel like they must have/could have looked underneath at some point out of curiosity but up until this point they have not said anything. I'm not sure if they know or not or if they've decided not to say anything or maybe they just haven't looked yet. I still have garbage bags full of the broken tv set and some pieces of broken wood in garbage bags in my room as well. My dad made some vague comment like "I don't know what's in there" but he didn't seem too upset so maybe he didn't look too closely at it, or maybe he did, I'm not sure. I feel like they must know, but they might also very well not know, or be in denial. I have no idea.

They are out of town again this year just for a day or two so now is my chance to try to dispose of the evidence, as it were. I don't know how to explain to them that that chest of drawers in my room has suddenly disappeared. I don't even know how to dismantle it or get rid of it or where I would take it to. I don't even know if i can move it myself, and also don't know how I would explain this to them either. Don't know how to explain the garbage bags of broken stuff being gone. Basically, I'm trying to decide if I should lie to my parents, or if I should fess up. I don't know what they will do though maybe they will kick me out if they know the truth; as much as I am unhappy living here I don't have anywhere else to go right now, and am finding it very difficult to look for work in my current condition. I'm trying to figure out if I should just get rid of the evidence and concoct some sort of story and hope they believe me, or what. I know I did something very very wrong, and have gotten rid of the drugs and alcohol out of my life over the past year, and I don't feel like I am capable of doing something like that again, but I'm still finding it very difficult to figure out what is the right thing to do to address this situation. I like the idea of doing the honest thing and telling the truth, but if the consequence is being kicked out onto the street, I don't know if this is something I can handle right now in my current condition i.e. severely depressed.

 

[franciemarnie]

Could you just say you lost your temper while intoxicated and smashed the furniture? They may already know you did this and given you had a drinking problem would not be surprised. You've quit now.

People go nuts all the time when loaded. Liquor turns off the lights - so to speak - in parts of your brain and revs up other parts. There's a show called Cops in the US and it's almost all about people going nuts under the influence.

I vote come clean with them. It keeps things simple. Get rid of the garbage. It's a new day.

 

[EverOnly358]

@Petros,

I wish I knew what to do... but I'm not sure. I can tell you @franciemarnie always has good advice! And you never know, your parents might be more understanding than you think. Maybe do what you can... get rid of the garbage bags and just leave the dresser? How does that sound? What I do know is that whatever you do, it'll be okay. So do what feels right.

EverOnly

P.S. I've messed up my fair share of furniture, broken dishes, etc. etc. And getting off drugs and alcohol is SO difficult. That's really terrific! If it took a broken TV and a messed up dresser to do it... well, I think that's a good trade. :cool:

 

[Echo]

Hi Petros, it sounds like you were having a really difficult time last year and it is understandable that you had an outburst given the circumstances. At least, you didn't hurt anyone else. I'm guessing that, unless your parents really don't care at all, they know what has happened in your room, even if they don't know why. In the UK we have communal tips where you can take large rubbish (garbage) like that; maybe it's the same in your country. Is the chest-of-drawers expensive or an antique or something like that? If not, you could always offer to pay back the cost of it or replace it when you do have money, though I understand that's not possible at present.

I think I would tell them, even if not all the gory details. I think they might well have been silent to give you some slack or maybe respect your privacy. Only you can tell what your relationship with them is like.

The things that concerns me about your post are that you are struggling mentally so badly, even though you've obviously done a great job at getting the alcohol and drugs sorted out, and what you say about your mother being "somewhat sexually abusive". Are you getting any help outside of the family? Do you have a therapist and a diagnosis? I really think you could use someone to help you onto the next stage of your healing process.

Keep talking to us, and we'll give you what support we can. Best of luck, Echo

 

[Abstract]

should lie to my parents, or if I should fess up

Are you getting treatment?

I may be wrong but I am wondering if part of what is bothering you about getting rid of the evidence is that no one will witness your pain and the crisis you are in. Is that possible? Has it become a physical representation of your distress.

It sounds like you really want to tell them. I understand the problem if you are asked to leave. Is that likely? What are you plans longer term?

 

[Lost Pup]

Has it become a physical representation of your distress.

And if so, will it trigger you to find or create a new one as a sort of emotional placeholder?

 

[Petros]

Hi everyone and thank-you for the responses to this my first post. They have helped me think through the situation. I contacted a junk removal company and had the dresser removed today, and also disposed of the broken metal/glass etc. I guess I decided it would be better to get rid of everything and then explain to them what happened, rather than actually forcing them to see and look at what I had done, if they haven't already. Hope they will be understanding.

@Petros,
P.S. I've messed up my fair share of furniture, broken dishes, etc. etc. And getting off drugs and alcohol is SO difficult. That's really terrific! If it took a broken TV and a messed up dresser to do it... well, I think that's a good trade. :cool:

I think you're right, and this comment is very heartening.

Are you getting treatment?

I may be wrong but I am wondering if part of what is bothering you about getting rid of the evidence is that no one will witness your pain and the crisis you are in. Is that possible? Has it become a physical representation of your distress.... It sounds like you really want to tell them. I understand the problem if you are asked to leave. Is that likely? What are you plans longer term?

I think you're right in this regard as well. In the past year I've found other ways of communicating my pain in more constructive ways. Lots of crying when i feel overwhelmed. re: longterm plans I need to start planning long term to get out into my own space but it's so difficult because I don't have proper work and find it incredibly difficult looking for work and holding down jobs sometimes given how I feel: incredibly stressed sometimes and right now severely depressed. Is this normal? How can I go about finding work in this state? I need to find a way to live in the world, but sometimes it seems so impossible.

And if so, will it trigger you to find or create a new one as a sort of emotional placeholder?

I think this is a good idea. A new one when I can afford it might make me feel better. Maybe it will help me to feel that that time in my life has passed, and that I'm beginning a new chapter.

 

[Petros]

I think I would tell them, even if not all the gory details....

The things that concerns me about your post are that you are struggling mentally so badly, even though you've obviously done a great job at getting the alcohol and drugs sorted out, and what you say about your mother being "somewhat sexually abusive". Are you getting any help outside of the family? Do you have a therapist and a diagnosis? I really think you could use someone to help you onto the next stage of your healing process.

Keep talking to us, and we'll give you what support we can. Best of luck, Echo

Thank you also for your post Echo, it helped me in deciding what to do, to get rid of the stuff and spare them some of the details. I've been seeing a new therapist over the past month or so after going a few years without. He focuses exclusively on psychotherpay, like old school lying on the couch and just talking almost uninterrupted for 45 mins at a time. It has helped me in that I've come to realize how much an incident with my mother has been upsetting me over the past years. Several years ago, though years after my PTSD diagnosis, she touched me inappropriately a few times, once on the ass and once on my thigh. It wasn't rape, but it still felt inappropriate too me and for years I've held it inside and wondered whether or not I am overreacting, and have been scared living in my home not knowing when I was going to be groped next. Is this an overreaction? As for the therapist, I think our sessions have also helped enable me to come to terms with the fact that I had this outstanding dresser issue that I was ignoring. That being said, I feel depressed as ever, and the therapy so far has had little effect on my mood it seems.

 

[Echo]

Hi Petros, I'm so glad you've got support from a psychotherapist. Mine helps me enormously.

I'm no expert, but my gut feeling is that if what your mother did made you feel uncomfortable and seemed inappropriate, then as far as your body is concerned, it was. So I wouldn't class it as an over-reaction.

Fantastic that you've got the dresser issue sorted. Great to feel back in control, at least in part, I imagine. Glad to have helped a bit.

 

[Abstract]

We tend to sense when a touch is innocent and playful or done with sexual intent. Especially with a family member.

How is it effecting you to be staying with your mother at present when you are struggling with your past with her? Very glad to hear you are getting t. Good job for dealing with the stuff.If you want to convince your parents to let you stay you can say you are now getting therapy and are not using substances as you were.