Speaking Out; Become A Suicide Activist

[Queen Boudica]

I would lose some people in my life, but as I don't really have much of a connection with anyone right now... what loss would they be in the face of gaining such acceptance among others for being ME?

I've already lost most of the people in my life. Not sure who ME is. There is no being myself, I just can't seem to ever feel right about me. I'm not sure anyone really cares about me and that is too much to hope for. My kids that is all. That is all that matters. That is what gives me the strength to just keep pushing on and hope it gets better.

 

[ms spock]

@Lizio I know it is really tough going to feel so alone, but you do have people that comment on your diary and that are people, even if they are on the internet shows they care for you.

You have to process your aloneness etc the way you need to but don't miss out on the things you do have which is an online community, with friends who do comment on your journal, who take the time to listen and understand.

You have mentioned some real world people, whilst they don't understand the complexity of your situation they are friendly towards you. Don't miss out on what is there with those unmet childhood needs taking over. I have done that and lost a few other connections.

Grieve as you must, but don't blot out what is there for you, however small it seems at this time.

You will always have opportunities to meet new people through your children, and as you get better I hope you get some of the stuff that you so long for.

I don't know who is me either. Don't know how to feel right in myself. Really relate to what you are talking about. But the small things we have to hold on to the small things.

People do care. Definitely not perfectly and not even in a way that might be that meaningful to you. But focus on the little bits as imperfect as they are. You deserve to let yourself have some of the small stuff.

I have almost lost all the people in my life as well, so please don't feel I am taking your pain lightly. I just know when I am down I don't take in the good stuff as small as it can be.

 

[ms spock]

Connecting with others not only fills the void, expands our perception to include more choices over suicide, but it also empowers us to be ourselves... even though, it seems like the opposite would be true!

Great Video Muzikluvr!

Connecting with other people can be hard I do know what you mean.

Honestly, I live my real life alone and disconnected from the people in my family and my community, terrified that they will reject me if they know much about me. (My own family has already done that several times before... but I'm actually speaking of my husband's family now). I just don't think I could handle being ostracized by my community again. So, I hide myself. My flaws. My shame. My victimization... I hide my own beliefs and values for fear they still too closely identify with the abuse cycle. But, what I know inside is that IF I were to share all that I am and all that I want to be with others... I would attract to me like minded people and people who respect what I am willing to say and stand for. I would lose some people in my life, but as I don't really have much of a connection with anyone right now... what loss would they be in the face of gaining such acceptance among others for being ME?

Meadowsweet posted a thread on the above you might want to contribute to it Muzikluvr.

 

[ms spock]

What do we say instead of commit suicide I couldn't hear it.

 

[Queen Boudica]

but don't miss out on the things you do have which is an online community, with friends who do comment on your journal, who take the time to listen and understand.

I do appreciate that. I often comment in my diary how much the comments and support from others on here have helped me and kept me going through some pretty tough times. I can't call help lines, I just can't find my voice, but writing on here when sometimes I am having my darkest moments has helped a lot. Not sure how I would have got through some of the things I have otherwise.

The other friends, I always feel on the outside and am scared I am just not how I should be. I always end up feeling wrong and awkward. I know they are just feelings.

 

[ms spock]

The other friends, I always feel on the outside and am scared I am just not how I should be. I always end up feeling wrong and awkward. I know they are just feelings.

They are powerful feelings and I don't want to minimise them, but create another way of thinking which builds upon your strengths and reframes those negative thoughts and self talk, which I have to be honest I struggle a lot with my self.

 

[Muzikluvr]

What do we say instead of commit suicide I couldn't hear it.

In the video, he doesn't give us a directive on what to say instead of "Commit suicide" only that it's not a crime and should not be referred to the same way as one who "commits rape" or "commits murder".

He then goes on to give a statistic of the number of people who "died by suicide".

In my post, I discussed the fact that suicidal ideation is such a constant that one might "succumb to suicide", as it is a battle we are fighting inside all the time. Giving in to it, seems to fit my own perception (and fear) of how I am vulnerable to suicide.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @ Lizio recognizing where some of the feelings originate can help to determine if they are founded (or not). :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@Junebug Do you mean that you felt like you were grossly deficient, dirty, spoiled, unclean, despicable, etc...

To feel that way, and yet project ourselves as though we are "worthy" and not more vulnerable than anyone else...and so less of a target... leads to this dichotomy?... where inside we know we are spoiled, dirty and we are only fooling the world to protect ourselves from further abuse.

So, what we do, because we are good, decent, honest people, is...we will admit that we are not what we seem to those people we begin to care about before they get so attached that they feel like we "bait and switched" on them. We're not fooling ourselves. Only outsiders. And, we're only doing that so we can protect ourselves.

... it's this belief that..and we don't want to get that on anyone we love.

Correct me if I'm wrong about this @Junebug. It may just be the way I've felt and sometimes still feel.

Dear @ Muzikluvr, no you have about said it all exactly and very succinctly, other than I could add a few more self-deprecating words to my self description. And the additional fear along with it that if not contagion I should one day 'blow up' like a dumb-bomb and shatter (cause damage) like broken glass and shrapnel to others around me.

It took me a long time to acknowledge what were boundary violations and SA as bad as they were. Especially when a child.

I think part of the worse part remains when you 'have' to take it- silence, threats, minimization, 'blame', being told it's not occurring ('pretend', 'ignoring-acting like it's 'normal'), being told you are crazy, you won't be believed etc. Even as an adult, such as at work (dependent on job). It's like a drawn out painful thing. :( It causes me dread and avoidance and stress. I think it contributes to me finding it terribly hard to relax at any time and at the same time just feel good. Either twisted words of creeps stick in my mind or I simply can't often feel good about it. 'Safety', I guess. Safety and normalcy/ forgetting.

I am so sorry, re: your mother's words and abandonment of you. :(

I know of a person here who after they were raped bathed in bleach, I understand that.

(PS, didn't watch other video but saw it before- hey, does she come out with the same feet? :laugh: )

:hug:

 

[ms spock]

It took me a long time to acknowledge what were boundary violations and SA as bad as they were. Especially when a child.

It has left me a very porous adult.

I think part of the worse part remains when you 'have' to take it- silence, threats, minimization, 'blame', being told it's not occurring ('pretend', 'ignoring-acting like it's 'normal'), being told you are crazy, you won't be believed etc. Even as an adult, such as at work (dependent on job). It's like a drawn out painful thing. :( It causes me dread and avoidance and stress. I think it contributes to me finding it terribly hard to relax at any time and at the same time just feel good. Either twisted words of creeps stick in my mind or I simply can't often feel good about it. 'Safety', I guess. Safety and normalcy/ forgetting.

I have real troubles being "safe" in my home. Mostly I dissociate when I am here.

 

[ms spock]

Giving in to it, seems to fit my own perception (and fear) of how I am vulnerable to suicide.

I hope that you are keeping safe.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Thanks @Ms Spock :hug: