Ptsd= No Romance Ever?

[outlawstar555]

This is something I've been struggling with for awhile now. I can't ever seem to meet anybody that doesn't write me off instantly on learning I'm on disability for PTSD.... It makes me think about how I'm never going to be able (in the present future) of being a provider. And in western culture, a dude, who isn't a "breadwinner" doesn't seem to fly very well. How do any of you explain your PTSD? I'm honest about it. Perhaps I'm not presenting that I'm still a person with feelings and plenty of things to contribute in a relationship? I really don't know.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm on disability for PTSD as well. I'm female, so yes the situation is a little different because while I do fear being alone, I don't have the pressure of being the sex that has historically been the breadwinner.

Meeting accepting people is hard. But those who write you off immediately are showing their true character. Better now than 7 years down the line when you're married with kids. You deserve better. We all do.

 

[franciemarnie]

I dated a couple guys without jobs and though they didn't have PTSD, they each had a significant long term mental health situation. They both would have done anything for me and I valued that far more than a few of the bums I dated who made good money, but were only concerned with their well being and never mine.

There are good people out there looking for someone with a good heart and soul, who is kind and thoughtful and who they can connect with somehow at a deep level and also have fun with. You will learn a lot by how the women you are interested in respond to your PTSD. If they can see you are actively working on healing, that should make a difference.

 

[arfie]

I didn't find love until I stopped looking. When I shifted my focus to molding my life into a daily love affair, I found the love of my life within. Love loves surprises.

 

[bell]

When I shifted my focus to molding my life into a daily love affair,

How I love this! :)

 

[maryiscontrary]

Arfie this is so true.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

In my case I haven't been dumped directly at the mention of PTSD but when the persons themselves were confronted with my symptoms (anxiety, lack of trust, anger, problems with intimacy...). Other times I was the one who dumped them because I felt I couldn't deal with both the PTSD and them at the same time.

I've been honest with them too and they've appreciated that. There is just no way around it, other than plain honesty. If they can't handle you for who you are (including disorder) then the relationship will fail... see it as a way of sifting through them xD I know it's terribly frustrating though. I hope maybe I can achieve what arfie calls a love affair with myself before I look for anyone else.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Don't give up hope and don't dwell on the breadwinner thing.

My now fiance suffers from PTSD and told me before we actually met (the joys of internet dating). He is technically employed but doesn't work, and hasn't worked in the time I have known him.

He is the only one in our relationship that has a problem with that. I keep trying to explain that it is our joint household income, regardless of where it comes from.

When his employer recently explained (a bit more tactfully than this) that they wouldn't have him back and were just trying to work out the best way to get rid of him he was convinced that he was worthless and I would leave him. I kept reassuring him that I fell in love with the signed off, non-earning PTSD sufferer and not his job title/uniform.

If he was a sponger who couldn't be bothered to do anything, that would be different. But I know that he does what he can around the house and he finds it very frustrating not to be able to work at the moment.

I also know he would do the same for me if our roles were reversed.

I completely agree with Radise that honesty is the only way to go.

 

[Hashi]

How do you see yourself? Recovering from PTSD and needing time away from employment while actively working on that? Someone who's meeting a challenge and building the best life they can for themselves, given the constraints they're dealing with? Or simply on disability for PTSD?

Perhaps I'm not presenting that I'm still a person with feelings and plenty of things to contribute in a relationship?

Are you presenting that you have your own friends, your own life, your own goals and your own interests? Of course, I would want someone who was going to care and contribute to a relationship. At the same time, I would want to feel (and see) that they were participating positively in their own life too - in terms of their approach to life, rather than their circumstances.

 

[Lucycat]

I met the love of my life when I was still undiagnosed. So there was no needing to be honest an open about a diagnosis I had not yet heard of.

Rory has said that he always knew I was a little 'odd', a bit different. Apparently that was all a part of the attraction.

As for employment - well he used to be the breadwinner, but I also worked. Now he is retired and I am the breadwinner. But to me that is entirely irrelevant.

Of course because I did not know I had PTSD I did not have the stigma or self doubts that are mentioned on this thread. But I still did have PTSD although I simply did not know it.

PTSD or not, relationships need working on, are very difficult at times and never run the course we anticipate. I never went looking for a man. I just stumbled upon him when the timing happened to be right for both of us. We both faced people telling us our relationship would never work, so we set out to prove them wrong.

I believe Positive Mental Attitude is the key. Yes we can all feel down and depressed and distressed by this dreadful diagnosis we have. But what is the point of blaming every difficulty on our lives on the PTSD, rather than taking up the challenge and seeing where it will get us?

 

[outlawstar555]

Typically things go sour at the point that I'm not currently employed. How I'm doing my best to improve my life. Improving myself. I'm in therapy, exercising more, run a little blog... Lots of little things...

I feel like I get this reaction that a. that they think I'm a loser and/or b. that I'm going to go all Rambo First Blood

 

[outlawstar555]

Not like I present myself as not having hobbies or just crying all day.

Rarely have I ever got past the "what do you do" question without getting a look and "oh". It really feels like 90% of the time they've already come to a conclusion. Even in some friendships.