Love Her, Hate What She Did - A Period Of Childhood Sexual Abuse

[Bedbug]

I posted this in my trauma diary earlier but I'm keen for it to reach a wider audience in the hope that some of you may be able to help me make sense of my feelings towards my abuser.

I was sexually abused for around a year by an aunt (by marriage) when I was eight. I knew her for a while before the abuse started and we had a really good relationship. I have a lot of very happy memories of being with her. Of course, I could look back and see that as "grooming" but I don't think that was the case. Maybe I am being too forgiving, I don't know.

I enjoyed the initial relationship. We connected. I felt close to her in a way I didn't with the rest of my family. We could talk about anything and, one day, she began to talk about sex. What she said was entirely appropriate for a girl of my age. There was nothing wrong with that initial conversation. It was a very gentle introduction to sex education. But a little while after that she started touching herself by way of a demonstration, and soon afterwards touching me. I immediately thought that it wasn't right, wasn't appropriate, but I do remember enjoying some of the physical sensations.

Looking back, the first betrayal was by her: she betrayed my trust in her. The second betrayal was by my own body. Not quite understanding this, I drew a false conclusion: if my body enjoyed it, then I must be enjoying it. I confused physical pleasure with emotional pleasure. Even after I stopped getting physical pleasure (when the abuse had become far more about her pleasure than mine) I continued to play along. I knew it was wrong, I knew I wasn't enjoying it, but I kept pretending. I didn't complain. I didn't ask her to stop. This was the third betrayal: I could have stopped what was happening to me, but I didn't matter enough to bother with. I wasn't worth the effort. I was this deceitful, dirty, shameful child who didn't deserve to be saved from this. I betrayed myself.

I hated it, but I didn't let on to her. I pretended I was still a willing partner, so it wouldn't be "abuse". I didn't want to be someone who this happened to. I didn't want to be a "victim". But it was more than that. I didn't want to be exposed as someone so disgusting as to have enjoyed the initial contact and then been tainted by what happened later. I was deeply ashamed of myself and I didn't want anyone else to be ashamed of me too.

To complicate matters still further, I didn't hate her. I loved her, even though I hated what she would do with me sometimes. So, I excused her behaviour. I protected her. She wasn't a monster; she was a good person who did bad things. I had it in my power to prevent her bad behaviour from being exposed. I could stop her being hurt by enduring the hurt myself. I felt such loyalty to the good part of her that I never even considered telling anyone what she was doing. She was worth more than me.

I wish I could say that the abuse was something that happened to me, that I was not responsible in any way, that I didn't choose what happened. I know I was only eight or nine years old and so wasn't mature enough to make that choice, but it still feels like my choice. I went along with the abuse; I enabled it. This is why I feel such shame now.

I also felt the loss of our previously trusting and loving relationship. I clung to it and would not betray her. As I saw it, her desire to abuse me grew within our relationship. It did not exist before. In a way, I created it; I was to blame. The longer it continued, the worse it got, the more incriminated I felt. I was guilty of damaging our relationship, of damaging her. I wanted to keep our good relationship going, even if that meant enduring terrible abuse. I owed her that.

I sometimes wonder what might she have thought? How did she justify what she was doing? "I'm just loving her. It's not intercourse so it's not abuse. It's sex education. She enjoys it. I'm not hurting her. She seduced me." Or did she know it was wrong but couldn't help herself? I'll never know.

However, after a while I couldn't cope with it anymore. I was desperate for it to end, so desperate that I even tried to drown myself in the bath one night. I thought that I deserved to die because it had all been my fault. I had enjoyed it and wanted it and led her on to the point where she got out of control and some of the things she did later on were disgusting. I remember thinking that me dying was the only way to save her. I was so ashamed of myself.

After that night it all stopped. She never touched me in that way again. I don’t remember if she discovered that I had tried to commit suicide. I don’t know if this was the same night, but I remember my uncle sitting on my bed while I was crying and offering to give me his St Christopher medallion that he always wore to keep me safe. I wonder if he found out what was happening and stopped it. Again, I'll never know.

Anyway, after that night, I repressed all my memories of the abuse and wouldn't recover them again for many years. It was like it had never happened. I got my good relationship with my aunt back and stayed at her house many times. I am finding this difficult now. It's hard to reevaluate all those good memories in the light of my new knowledge. I don't want to lose them. I am also having trouble understanding why my uncle would have allowed this, if he did know about the abuse. Also, why did my aunt allow it? Did she realise what she had done? Was she truly repentant? Did she know that she would never do it again and so knew she was a safe person for me to be around again? Had she just been told to stop it? Was I still at risk? More unanswerable questions.

My uncle divorced her about five years after the abuse stopped and I never saw her again. They had two children and, as they reached adulthood, my aunt and I connected again on Facebook. At that point I still remembered nothing of the abuse. Bits of it came back over the next few years and I now have a complete memory again (I think).

I'm trying to figure out what I feel about my aunt now. Part of me wants to hate her as a monster, a paedophile. Part of me wants to forgive her and remember her good side and not have my happy memories taken away from me. Part of me wants to tell the world what she did so that I can protect other children. Part of me believes that she never did it again, and never will.

I suppose it is possible to think all of these things at the same time, even if they do contradict each other. Perhaps it is what makes us human.

 

[scout86]

Well, you've made me thankful not to have conflicted emotions! Right this second, I'm happy to be going with pure, unadulterated hate. :) I can see where the conflicted emotions would be really hard and really confusing. You get that all the responsibility you've felt was for stuff that really wasn't your responsibility, right? (Just checking.)

Just a thought. Interesting that your uncle gave you that medal that night. Also interesting that the abuse stopped the same night. Do you think your uncle might have been unaware of it earlier, found out, and had something to do with it stopping? Also interesting that they, eventually got a divorce. I can't help but wonder what all went in to that. I think it would be interesting to hear the true, complete version of your uncle's story of all this.

I don't have any answers to your questions. Sorry! Some of them are probably questions that don't have answers that are knowable. As far as what those "parts" of you want to do.........there are LOTS of options. You need to remember that "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." You need to remember that what happened was about HER and HER issues, not you. You just happened to be in her way. It's not real likely she's changed. The best liars look like the nice person next door. The most successful pedophiles come off an sweet, wonderful people. They HAVE to, if they're going to succeed. If you really want to try to get the answers to your questions, since you ARE talking to these people, you have the potential to ask the people who know....... I'd want to get BOTH sides of the story, though and I'd have a hard time believing anything your aunt had to say, unless she's willing to take complete and total responsibility. (Because she's completely and totally responsible!)

 

[Imanpeony]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can honestly say what you are feeling is relatively normal. Especially if you were neglected in some way or another. I have similar feelings in regards to the person who sexually abused me. I love him. A piece of me would go as far as to say in love with him, obsessed even. He was the only person who took an interest in me. I enjoyed the attention. I even craved the closeness. But I hated it. I hate him to the core of my soul. I can't think of him without going absolutely bonkers. Your mind and body are made to want that closeness, and to enjoy that, physically. AS THE ADULT SHE IS RESPONSIBLE! You didn't understand. And now you have to go back and try to understand something that you didn't ask for or want. I am so sorry that this happened to you. But remember it was not your fault. She did it. It was her choice. It was not your job to say anything at all. It was her job to never do anything. She betrayed your trust. And that is disgusting. She is not a good person. She is just a person. And like the other poster brought out, if she has changed she will take full responsibility. Otherwise stay the hell away from her! At least that is what I do and how I handle it.

 

[Bedbug]

There's a discussion going on in another thread which has a lot of relevance to what I am struggling with (https://www.myptsd.com/threads/your-children-and-your-abuser.38828/).

And if we shift to there are really bad parts of people and there are really good parts of people. If we can stop seeing sexual abusers as monsters but real people that need help then we stop assisting them by seeing through the prism of being a monster and we start seeing them as people that we need to have in treatment programs and be monitored.

It is actually true there is no place on the planet that claims to have a cure for sex offenders.

Maybe I am being too forgiving of my abuser, but I don't think she is a threat. And I never did see her as a monster. I don't have children myself, but she does. She also has a granddaughter who is now about the age I was when she abused me. I don't have any fears for that child. Do I think my aunt is cured? Do I think she was ever "ill"? I'm not sure, but I prefer to see her as a good person who did a bad thing - which she will never repeat.

 

[Bedbug]

You get that all the responsibility you've felt was for stuff that really wasn't your responsibility, right? (Just checking.)

Intellectually, yes. Emotionally, not yet.

Interesting that your uncle gave you that medal that night. Also interesting that the abuse stopped the same night. Do you think your uncle might have been unaware of it earlier, found out, and had something to do with it stopping? Also interesting that they, eventually got a divorce. I can't help but wonder what all went in to that. I think it would be interesting to hear the true, complete version of your uncle's story of all this.

I refused to accept the medallion. Read into that what you will.

It was five years before they got divorced. I doubt the abuse had anything to do with hat, even if he did know. The curious thing is that my uncle moved back into his parent's house (where the abuse happened) after his divorce and sleeps in that same bedroom to this day. He is 60 years old. I find that a little bit suspicious.

If you really want to try to get the answers to your questions, since you ARE talking to these people, you have the potential to ask the people who know.

I haven't been talking to anyone in my family since all these memories came back. Although I don't blame my parents in any way, I do feel some anger towards them for not keeping me safe even though they had no way of knowing what was going on. I haven't spoken to my uncle in about 15 years. I haven't spoken to my aunt for about 25 years, but I did become friends with her on Facebook after seeing her updates on her kids' pages (my cousins).

In any case, I don't want any of this to come out. I don't want to hurt my family. It's far too late to do any good.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's interesting that so many people have such skewed views of good and evil. It's as if the evil is forgiven because most of the time that person was a good person. The thing is, that evil doesn't usually present itself as evil 100% of the time. It's as if society is brainwashed by media and pop culture to believe that if someone is evil they will look sinister and present themselves in a menacing fashion. Most of the time, this just isn't true.

My abuser looked like Susie homemaker. I reported her because I knew I had to protect other children. Nothing came of it, as expected, but I did everything I possibly could. How she lived the rest of her life didn't give her a free pass on the abuse. (I think the boys molested by priests would agree.)

I'm glad you can sleep at night knowing that you're keeping the secret of an abuser and possibly allowing other kids to be abused. But, that's on you and it's your decision.

 

[anonymous]

I'm glad you can sleep at night knowing that you're keeping the secret of an abuser and possibly allowing other kids to be abused. But, that's on you and it's your decision.

I'm glad you were strong enough to do what you did, but that's unfair. Abuse is not the responsibility of the abused, either to themselves or others. The blame and responsibility are with the abuser.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear how complex it is for you and can relate in many ways too, as one of my abusers was someone who I do love and believe loves me too, and these conflicting emotions I find very hard to reconcile and also feel very much like I am to blame for wanting to be loved, even though rationally I know this is not right. I also have strong reasons to suspect that my abuser was abused himself when he was a child and though this in no was excuses his behaviour, do believe it will have impacted on how he has learnt to demonstrate love and relate to others too.

Though often I am a very black and white thinker and often would have found this hard to reconcile, I am very aware that within myself and my own journey I have been learning to realise it is not just black or white, but that there is a massive complexity, and do believe people are capable of massive evil, at the same time as having parts of genuine love and compassion, and when these can be so blurred do find it very hard. For myself I know that knowing that there were aspects where this person genuinely provided for us, in a situation where we had had a lot of our needs neglected, still makes it very hard to accept the reality of the negative aspects and abuse, but remembering that it is not just black or white and that there can be elements of both, helps me within this to be able to step back and really allow those parts of me which found it so hard and still blame myself, and really explore and deal with the emotions coming up and everything that encompasses.

I really hope that within this even though you do believe she is a good person that you can learn more and more that what she did to you was not good and was not your fault at all, and that you can connect more to this and learn to emotionally realise it is not your responsibility too, and release yourself from these feelings of guilt and shame which do not belong to you at all but to her.

God bless
Helen

 

[Bedbug]

@Solara, I was wondering whether you would read this. I suspected you would have a different viewpoint and hoped you would post a response. You have challenged my view on a few things lately and I thank you for it. By doing so you have helped me see some flaws in my thinking and also helped me to clarify my thoughts when we have disagreed. Considering different viewpoints is always helpful.

 

[HelenB]

I just wanted to add as I have now read the last other posts, that though it has been very hard I know for myself that I did come to a place where even though I did not believe the person in my past was totally evil, that I did have to talk to others in my family so they could be aware and protect any of their children. This was very hard and I did not even know if the people would ever talk to me and accept me at all, and at the time I really could not be clear about what happened and have clear memories, but even though I do still believe he did also love me, I did have to be realistic about the fact that there was much more complexity involved and though I risked loosing relationships which were very important to me, did myself know it was something I had to do.

I do understand why you would not feel like this, and why in so many ways it would be easier to just believe that she was a good person who did this wrong thing, but do think that evaluating the depth and reasons behind these feelings would be important. To believe anything else I know for me is very hard, as there is so much to loose from the ideal of how I so much wanted things to be and in many ways feels like it shatters that image I want to be able to hold on to of what I so desperately wanted and also needed, but at the same time recognising that there can be good and bad within us all at the same time has helped me reconcile this a lot more.

In terms of forgiveness I also believe that in reality this is about us but does not mean there are not or should not be consequences for the abusers and ultimately believe that the truth being out and everything being out in the light, though it is so hard in the short term, is the the way which most healing can be found, because it brings out and challenges all those negative and false thought patterns, which have so been able to breed in the dark, and can really help us also to see the abuse for what it was, regardless of all other aspects of the relationship we have with the abuser.

I really do hope that you are able to find peace within yourself in this and reconcile all that you are feeling and most of all recognise that what has happened is not in any way your fault or responsibility and find your own way of working through and reconciling all this.

God bless
Helen

 

[Bedbug]

I'm glad you can sleep at night knowing that you're keeping the secret of an abuser and possibly allowing other kids to be abused.

I don't like the terminology of "keeping my abuser's secret". I am not keeping quiet for her sake, although I did at the time. It is my past. My private past.

I reported her because I knew I had to protect other children. Nothing came of it, as expected, but I did everything I possibly could.

I may be wrong, but I don't think my abuser is a risk to any other children (it makes me uncomfortable to think about her with other children, but I think that is more because of what happened in the past rather than what I think might happen in the future). However, even if I thought she was a risk, I simply don't have the strength at the moment to deal with the consequences of going public. I am doing "everything I possibly could." I may decide, and be able to do, differently as time goes on. For the time being, I have enough to deal with already without feeling selfish for not helping other potential victims.

 

[HelenB]

I think in so many ways it can be so complex in a situation like this and there really are so many things to weigh up. You are right that you have to think of yourself so much and what the repercussions would be for going public. Sadly it is true that so often it can be the abused word against the abusers, and for the abused this can be so detrimental and not necessarily even make a difference, as if there is not enough evidence it may not even make a difference in the protection of others and can just lead to even more repercussions for the abused. I really do believe that it is important to be in the right place yourself if you even were considering bringing this out, and that it is important to know that if you are not ready to do this that it is not for the abusers protection at all but for yourself and do hope you are able to still reconcile this all within yourself and find peace.

Helen