It's all my fault
Bronze Member
I've been in therapy for 9 months for a wonderful psychologist-PHD. I like her very much. She is caring and compassionate. She recognizes my constant dissociation and immediately stops and puts me back into my body with grounding skills. She is a certified somatic experience practitioner and I am absolutely 100% sure she has skills, training and has taken care of pts with sexual and emotional abuse and cptsd. This is her specialty.
Up until a few weeks ago she has been going slow....snail pace which is what I needed but we need to get down to the meat of the trauma and can't stay stagnant, I know that. I feel like such a baby not being able to do this. It's ridiculous. I want to do this, need to do this. That said, I'm terrified to do this.
So, 2 visits ago she told me she learned a lot at her conference and one thing she would like to try is the use of touch. I almost passed out! I never said a word. It was a true deer in the headlights moment! Then she explained that when we were working together she may place her hand on my shoulder but she would always ask permission.....I know she will. She asked me if when the time comes could she ask me permission and I said of course (I was completely numb). So that session ended.
I went again and she asked me 5 times if there was anything from last session I wanted clarified or had questions about. In my frozen state I said no. Then we stood up for a beginning non touch exercise about letting more space in our bodies and she started with I want you to sense more space in your hands, now wrists, arms, shoulders, back, hips......then I yelled stop! Of course I had flashback of my assault. Even just her saying body parts was triggering. She was great, she always is and I settled. She also had moved her chair closer to me which freaked me out. When she asked me if moving her chair was ok I said sure! Not.
I see her tomorrow and I really don't want to go. I told her therapy to me is It is beyond difficult. I want to have her comfort me but I am terrified of her even holding my hand. I feel that when she does that the emotions will overcome me and I will literally cry for eternity. I do not want lose control. She knows I'm afraid of crying, she assures me she will help me to manage it and help me to not be too overwhelmed but I still can't do it. I have never told her about my touch fear but she does know the specifics of all of the abuse. She probably thinks its fine as I have indicated it was. I think if she just hurrys up and gets it over with it would be best. Like ripping off a bandaid so I've not said a word. I have had 2 weeks of constant activation.
I see her tomorrow. I've never cancelled but I'm at the point of wanting to terminate therapy just because it's too hard. This is not in my best interest but I'm scared s**** I can't write or talk with her about this. It's impossible. So if I do go I'm gonna completely dissociate the whole session and if she does try to touch my arm I'm either gonna run out of her office or have the worst dissociation of my life. What would you do?
Up until a few weeks ago she has been going slow....snail pace which is what I needed but we need to get down to the meat of the trauma and can't stay stagnant, I know that. I feel like such a baby not being able to do this. It's ridiculous. I want to do this, need to do this. That said, I'm terrified to do this.
So, 2 visits ago she told me she learned a lot at her conference and one thing she would like to try is the use of touch. I almost passed out! I never said a word. It was a true deer in the headlights moment! Then she explained that when we were working together she may place her hand on my shoulder but she would always ask permission.....I know she will. She asked me if when the time comes could she ask me permission and I said of course (I was completely numb). So that session ended.
I went again and she asked me 5 times if there was anything from last session I wanted clarified or had questions about. In my frozen state I said no. Then we stood up for a beginning non touch exercise about letting more space in our bodies and she started with I want you to sense more space in your hands, now wrists, arms, shoulders, back, hips......then I yelled stop! Of course I had flashback of my assault. Even just her saying body parts was triggering. She was great, she always is and I settled. She also had moved her chair closer to me which freaked me out. When she asked me if moving her chair was ok I said sure! Not.
I see her tomorrow and I really don't want to go. I told her therapy to me is It is beyond difficult. I want to have her comfort me but I am terrified of her even holding my hand. I feel that when she does that the emotions will overcome me and I will literally cry for eternity. I do not want lose control. She knows I'm afraid of crying, she assures me she will help me to manage it and help me to not be too overwhelmed but I still can't do it. I have never told her about my touch fear but she does know the specifics of all of the abuse. She probably thinks its fine as I have indicated it was. I think if she just hurrys up and gets it over with it would be best. Like ripping off a bandaid so I've not said a word. I have had 2 weeks of constant activation.
I see her tomorrow. I've never cancelled but I'm at the point of wanting to terminate therapy just because it's too hard. This is not in my best interest but I'm scared s**** I can't write or talk with her about this. It's impossible. So if I do go I'm gonna completely dissociate the whole session and if she does try to touch my arm I'm either gonna run out of her office or have the worst dissociation of my life. What would you do?
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