Relationship The Ptsd Roller Coaster

[Sephira]

Hi everyone!

Today is a bad day for my sufferer, I triggered him accidentally by having a tone of voice he didn't like. One sentence, then he said I was arrogant then went to bed. Today he's isolating and won't speak and it's his vacation which was supposed to equal lots of time together.

I have this feeling that a major blow up is going to happen soon.

I can anticipate them now, and I dread them. I hate the sick, gross feeling in my stomach that I get whenever he gets angry, whenever he isolates.

Does anyone else have a hard time maintaining boundaries when your partner is triggered?

I seem to have trouble with it because if I enforce the boundaries when he's triggered, it triggers him more.

And this may seem like a naive question but can PTSD enrage you to the point where you can't control your actions? When my sufferer gets triggered, the things he says can be cruel, even abusive. When so he isn't triggered, he's sweet and amazing.

Anyway, thanks everyone for letting me yammer on, I feel a bit better. I hope everyone has a good day!

 

[blue_eyes18]

I can't offer anything that will answer your questions, but I can offer my empathy. My girlfriend and I just broke up a couple of weeks ago and I'd been experiencing many of the same feelings as you.

You mentioned triggering him by your tone. I unintentionally triggered my girlfriend by wanting to have a discussion the night we broke up about something that I thought would be casual. Next thing I know, it spiraled out of control and she's yelling at me and hangs up the phone on me. I had no clue what even happened. Then the next night she tells me she can't handle the pressure of our relationship and wants out.

I'm such a chill and laid back person. I don't pick fights and I don't push her buttons. And we hardly ever fought. But apparently I picked the wrong time to talk and it caused such a blow up.

It's really hard and I know where you're coming from. I hope you can get through this and still enjoy your time off together.

 

[desiderata310]

And this may seem like a naive question but can PTSD enrage you to the point where you can't control your actions?

It's kind of the definition of it. I don't get angry when triggered; I shake uncontrollably and become super hyper- vigilant and at the same time can't seem to hear what is said to me. Some people become angry and go on physical defense.. Fight/flight/freeze kicks in. Part of the brain KNOWS it's "safe" but it's suddenly over-ridden by the part of the brain responsible for survival and that part says that's it's time to do whatever we have to do to survive.

Knowing that doesn't make it better for you or him. If I am triggered there's precious little I can do but try to fight through and ride it out. Probably the same with him. It's embarrassing, terrifying, frustrating and exhausting. After having a really long and bad one yesterday I am wiped out and my back is sore from being tense for so long. I'm isolating too because it feels safer to hide from the world than to deal with people and risk going through that again. I actually hate myself a lot right now.

It could be the exact same for him or it could be wildly different.

I'm sure it sucks for you. All I can suggest is being extra gentle with yourself and realize you didn't actually CAUSE it. It's because someone else did something.
*shrug*
Sorry we're so hard to deal with.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

"can PTSD enrage you to the point where you can't control your actions?"

This is a very loaded question. I must say yes, and no. Yes, in that it very much FEELS like we can't control our actions but the truth is that there's an instantaneous moment in between trigger and response where we can actually choose how to behave, so we can actually learn not to react in certain ways. It takes time and effort and therapy, but things can change so that the sufferer realizes he/she does in fact have control and subsequently changes their behavior.

Sorry if this is confusing, as I have a hard time explaining it---I learned this in therapy and it's difficult to explain to other sufferers!

I hate to say "yes" because the next thing you know, people assume that those with PTSD are out of control and all bad or unacceptable behavior gets blamed on the disorder.

 

[desiderata310]

Agree with Solara. It doesn't excuse behavior. Maybe explains if they are early in therapy or haven't had it at all....

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I agree with the others. It doesn't excuse abusive and unacceptable behavior, at all.

Just a suggestion, have you read books geared toward the supporter of a loved one with PTSD? I know it really helped my husband especially with learning to take care of himself.

I have always told him never to walk on egg shells around me. I don't know that I could have progressed in recovery as far as I have had he changed himself to suit my PTSD.

 

[bitterfight_]

Hey there, @Sephira . I'm so sorry to hear that you can anticipate his blow-ups, and it sounds to me like you're experiencing anxiety from his blow-ups. I get that "sick, gross feeling" in my stomach when I have a panic attack, so that sounds quite worrisome. Have you talked to anyone about your own mental health? Being a supporter is very hard on your own mental health, and you need to take care of yourself as well or you will find that you will burn out. My mom finds it hard to maintain boundaries when I'm triggered, because often times I too will isolate and not tell her why I'm triggered. Yes, PTSD can enrage you to a certain point, but I would say that's a loaded question, as it doesn't excuse unacceptable and/or abusive behaviour at all. In my own personal experience with it, as@desiderata310 said, I shake uncontrollably and become hypervigilant.

For me, sometimes if the anger is explosive enough, I will scream/cry, and sometimes have been known to throw things (not at other people), and have a tendency to hurt myself when I'm triggered. My mom has referred to me as hysterical on occassion when this happens. Honestly, I would give him enough space and time to figure everything out, and allow him to look back on why he was triggered. Usually after experiencing an episode like this (for me anyways) I feel exhausted. It's extremely terrifying and frightening to be triggered, and then I often feel embarrassed for reacting that way. Just remember, you didn't CAUSE it. A little phrase I use to remind my mom of this is "it isn't about what's wrong with us, it's what happened to us". Hang in there.

 

[Glimmer of Hope]

I'm new to this website but already feel like I have people out there who struggle with the same things I do with my relationship. Sephira, we have a lot in common.

I'm on a 2 1/2 week episode with my husband and his PTSD. ( he doesn't think he has anything wrong with him, because it's everyone else fault) .

When I look back on the calendar from past years, The last week of March and first few weeks of April have been highlighted in Red. Also Fall, late November, is another month marked in red. I do this to follow his, very predictable, episodes. I know when it's about to blow with him, I can feel it. I haven't had a kiss or "I Love You" in weeks. It gets so hurtful. I try to give him space, he requires a lot of isolation. ALOT!

So I sit alone.

When he isn't triggered, he is sweet and caring, but when he's in these episodes, my husband also gets mean and can be so cruel. Often wanting to leave or threaten divorce. In time, he comes around again, but living with that pit in your stomach is a terrible feeling.

I have to be better at finding things that make me happy and enjoy things more which is hard.

I tell myself "It's not me it's his PTSD". Hang in there my friend. Been on that roller coaster ride many time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Glimmer of Hope,

I'm not sure where you're located, but I've noticed that the changing of the seasons affects me. Could that possibly play into your husband's spike in symptoms? I've always known about my issues in the fall, but just recently realized that the spring can be difficult for me as well. I don't know what his trauma is, but is it also possible that his episodes fall near/around his trauma anniversary?

 

[tsadlerj]

I feel you @Sephira . I am constantly walking on egg shells. Sometimes it almost feels like I am in an abusive relationship and I feel like I am defending her mental abuse towards me by saying that it's my fault that she is acting this way because I triggered her. But I love her so much and that's why I am willing to stand by her side. Yeah it sucks when she's triggered. She is a totally different person and it scares me sometimes. But when she is on it is the most amazing feeling that I have ever had. She is an amazing woman and I love her so much. I'm just so glad that there is a website like this where I can learn as much as I can so I can try and understand exactly what she's going through because as bad as I feel when she's triggered I know that she feels 100 times worse

 

[tsadlerj]

For the record, I just wanted to say that I am not in an abusive relationship. I was just making a comparison stating that the emotional strain that being a supporter sometimes makes it feel like I am in one. My girlfriend is the most amazing woman in the world and would never do anything to hurt me on purpose

 

[Sephira]

Hello everyone! Sorry it took me so long to reply. It was the end of the marking period at my son's school and my sufferer continued to have a bad weekend so I got caught up. Long story short, he took a vacation this week and wants to be left alone to recharge. No contact at all until next Sunday- not even on his birthday Tuesday. He'll call me*sigh*.

If anyone has read any of my older posts, they know that this is progress for him. He used to get triggered, blow up, be extremely verbally abusive with me, then break up with me. Two or three days later, he'd apologize and we'd start again.It would be on a cycle, about once every three months. Now he asks for time when he needs it, and he comes back when he's okay. He says we're like a rubber band and if I let go when he asks, he'll bounce back and our relationship will be steady. If I don't let him have his space when he needs it, the relationship will be like a rubber band that is stretched too far, and it will break.

I need to get better at not resenting his isolating. Sometimes I just get so angry that birthdays get ruined, vacations get ruined, plans are never definite because one trigger can ruin everything. Plans, vacations, promises can be all forgotten when he is triggered. I know it isn't his fault, and I'm so grateful for him-but there are days when I just want to rage. Rage or cry. Some days, I just wish for him and he just can't be there.

To respond to a few replies to my posts:

Bitterfight, I agree with you- it's most likely anxiety. I've been with him 6 years, and the last four have been rough. When he isolates I get anxious because I never know what I'm going to deal with when he comes back. Sometimes he comes back better, sometimes he comes back worse-unsure about what he wants, including me. When he gets that way, it feels like I'm on a precipice teetering back and forth.

That said, part of it is most of it revolves around my own trust issues. I've set boundaries about not threatening our relationship and he hasn't crossed them in a year. But every time he isolates for a week or more, I worry until he returns.

Also, my sufferer gets exhausted after he's triggered too. He says when he gets triggered his muscles and teeth clench and his heart races then afterwards he feels really drained. It's frustrating when he's triggered because just like a roller coaster, once it starts there is no getting off till the ride ends!!! I wish I could stop it, apologize...something before he pulls away and isolates. It's hard for me because things that seem inconsequential to me are a huge deal to him some days, other days not.

I try to take care of myself, but easier said than done sometimes!!

Glimmer, I'm glad someone else understands about being able to anticipate a blowup. My sufferer also stops with the " I love yous" before a blowup. It makes me sad, but I won't force him to say it. I try and remember that he shows me he loves me in a million different ways when he can't manage " I love you."

Blue and Desiderata, I hope you both feel better, truly.

Take care everyone!