General What Do Supporters Think About Trauma?

[Al_Lurker]

... But the risk of getting it wrong sometimes feels too great to even try..

I'm just saying to take the risk. You might find that not everyone wants to hurt you and some may even wish to share your pain and try to help you. Don't polarize your thinking to they point that you've decided everyone will reject you before they've had the chance to know you.


You need not apologize, answering my posts is not considered mandatory. ;)

 

[Caterpillar]

I was a supporter for a very long time before I was a sufferer, and remain in that role on and off even now. I've never needed to hear details to understand. I can gather the general idea of what happened from the person's symptoms and triggers. Of course, sometimes people feel the need to share details as part of their own healing, in which case I'll listen, but it's certainly not necessary for my sake. I suppose I probably have better intuition and instincts than most because I've been around people with PTSD literally my entire life. For some supporters, details might enhance understanding and empathy.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

"I never know if to let people in, I should let them know me by knowing about my life. I think, who would want a person who's not perfect and has been broken. "

I am damaged, everyone is damaged. If someone seems perfect, it is a facade. With or without PTSD, most people worry about how much to let another in. It's terrifying.

I have huge trust issues and an annoying desire to be "perfect" for the people I care about.

There are no absolute answers, it's a crap shoot. I try not to be cynical, I try really hard to keep my heart just a tad open. It's incredibly hard not to shut down, but I know that's not the way to go.

I'm babbling, I'm sorry. To open yourself up to someone, friend or romantic relationship, is extremely difficult. And scary. But if you don't, it becomes a wall, a silence. I would have given anything to brake through my ex's wall.

Try to be open. Start with some general references to what you've been though. Then give it time and let the friendship grow. Talk more when you can or ask them if they if they have questions. I guess that would be my advice. Try to keep communication open or make sure they know it's an option.

I think you are a very strong person with a good heart. Let people see that. I wish you only the best!

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's like a catch 22 situation, why would anyone want to know about the really horrible things that happen in our world. But then, is it more upsetting to see the symptoms of hidden pain that appear on the surface without understanding where those symptoms originate?

That is the Catch-22. As a supporter you want to protect your loved one. You don't want them to have to relive any trauma and go through anymore pain, especially if it is just to explain things to you. With that being said, you also want to understand why your sufferer is hurting so much, and avoid doing anything that will trigger or stress them. Knowing or not knowing, no option seems better than the other.

My sufferer has told me a lot about his combat experience. I've also been able to see some of the "general" circumstances in news reports, as well as his physical scars. Sometimes he has night terrors and I wake up to him laying on top of me for cover and shouting. I've seen him duck for cover when somebody dropped a trashcan lid flat on the floor. Him telling me some of his experiences have helped me to understand why he does things like that. My sufferer also seemed to benefit from getting things out and talking about them. He has also had years of therapy and been through an impatient treatment program, however.

On the other hand, I really did not need to hear all that stuff. It is awful, and sickening, and the thought of him going through that is horrible.

I just took the stance that if he wanted to talk about things, I would listen. If he did not, I would never pressure him.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm just saying to take the risk. You might find that not everyone wants to hurt you and some may even wish to share your pain and try to help you.

I understand polarized thinking, and I realise that not everybody wants to hurt others. However, there is a common phenomena surrounding abuse, in that peoples minds struggle to accept the real nature of abuse, because to accept that it happened to someone just like them, threatens their own sense of safety and understanding about others.

People need to believe that they are safe and that these things happen to others because XY and Z, or that it isn't that bad and if it happened to them, they would somehow have been able to stop it or stop it from affecting them, and people react to those feelings by minimising and making excuses for abuse rather than asking questions and listening to learn more about you.

The risk is, that once you've opened up, these people need to hear that they have helped and it's all ok now. When of course the reality is that the sufferer ends up not only holding back from talking about trauma and having to deal with that by themselves, but they end up having to keep quiet and deal with the hurt and anxiety created by the inappropriate responses of others.

I live my life worrying about how others feel, and when I have tried to open up, it has been reinforced that my own feelings are secondary. But what I can't do now that I have PTSD, is take on everybody elses feelings.

Try to be open. Start with some general references to what you've been though. Then give it time and let the friendship grow. Talk more when you can or ask them if they if they have questions. I guess that would be my advice. Try to keep communication open or make sure they know it's an option.

I appreciate the practical advice. Thank you.

That is the Catch-22. As a supporter you want to protect your loved one. You don't want them to have to relive any trauma and go through anymore pain, especially if it is just to explain things to you. With that being said, you also want to understand why your sufferer is hurting so much, and avoid doing anything that will trigger or stress them. Knowing or not knowing, no option seems better than the other.

As a sufferer you want to protect your loved one too. A sufferer will go through that pain whether they tell someone or not... the difference being, that when you tell someone, that person has to see it.

But from reading the differing responses here, I think it is one of those un-answerable questions because some people will benefit from hearing, some will be hurt, some people only want to know the surface details, whereas others feel the need to understand more deeply.

To meet everyones needs is a lot of responsibility for the owner of those secrets (the sufferer) to take on.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

When I went through the horrors of the shootings in Sacramento and my childhood, I tell people that unless you've seen what I have, you cannot see what I've seen nor can any support do any good. I'm sorry but that's how I feel. Supporters don't know what you've been through....and most of the time, in my experience, they sugar coat the situation saying, "One day you'll get over it."
That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard......

 

[BigBear]

Part of me thinks that if a person has experienced severe trauma, they have to face it in order to deal with the symptoms. Whereas if you haven't experienced trauma, you shouldn't have to hear about it or face up to it (I wouldn't wish that knowledge on my enemy).

I don't discuss it because it's not mine. Angel is the owner of it and in such, she should be the instigator of talking about it. I will go on her threads fairly often and talk about what I see there.

"if you haven't experienced trauma, you shouldn't have to hear about it". A supporter's job is to participate in the healing. To provide an open forum (at least one of them) for discussion. There is no way that I could do that without knowing what the trauma was. We will never hurt from it like you do. Yes it hurts. And it bloody makes us crazy mad. But knowing what it is all about somehow makes us feel better.

I also realize that most sufferers won't talk to their friends or partners about traumatic experiences because they don't want to re-live it themselves or take their loved one into that horrible experience (feeling that their loved one will then live it).

But as you said earlier, Healing is remembering and in a sense re-living. No remembering, no healing.

But I'm wondering what supporters feel about this? How deep would you want to go into understanding what your partner has lived through? And do you think it would make a difference to understanding PTSD symptoms?

So the answer is that there is no place that Angel could have been that I wouldn't hear about. I will never truly know what it was to her. But I want to take on as much of it as I can.

And obviously, yes, I think it makes all of the difference in the world!

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess it's important to be able to discern if someone wants to know. That's kind of the 'basic', initial foundation or question.

 

[Aching65]

I seem to have lost my GF trust. We were together on and off for 2 years before she was diagnosed with post sexual abuse PTSD. As many above I do not mind not knowing the details of her assaults. I thought she would just tell me when she is ready to do so. I know there were 4 of them, starting at a very young age. She developed her symptoms in January and has started therapy. As I am a helper, a giver, I searched a lot, did a lot to help her emotionally, financially,etc.. The relation spiraled down, and I kept fighting, reading, also went for counseling. Before finding this web site, probably too late as it finally gave me the tools to understand what was really going on. I now seem to have lost her as I have broken her trust in several occasions talking with close friends to try to find a solution to our struggles. The more I was losing her the harder I worked on us, just to realize I was doing it totally wrong as I made her feel unsafe....

So I think the most important discussion should be about the importance of boundaries and the secrecy issue which seems to be paramount for survivors to feel safe. Yes she told me she does not like me to talk to others about her problems, but I never understood how important this was before reading on here. Also talking about the ownership of their struggle, as there is actually nothing we can do to help other that support them and educate ourselves. I seem to have been working so hard on our relationship. For 2 years for nothing.... Now she seems to have left. The last thing that comes to mind is talk about her withdrawal. When she needs space she really means it, and you are just a bachelor until she contacts you.....

I guess unfortunately her PTSD was too short for her to be able to know how to handle it and how to discuss her issues with me.... It was something so new for me. I am so find of her and just can't stand seeing her go. I have that odd feeling to be punished for loving her....

 

[Tinyflame]

@Aching65 , I think you mentioned however that you told someone & you (she) lives in a small town. That's a recipe for potential disaster, disclosure & stigma, even if one has lived with the knowledge of ptsd. The lack of trust wouldn't just be specific to ptsd (caused), IMHO, & not personal punishment to you. But possibly terribly difficult consequences for her. I don't think anyone would feel confident telling anyone simply because they "wouldn't mind", there has to be a greater understanding or respect to not breech the confidentiality. It's more than just unfounded pervasive ptsd-related feelings of unsafety, but concrete fall-out (for her).

 

[Aching65]

@Junebug. I never means to be hurtful and genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. And you right small town syndrome did probably not help.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Aching65 , I keep coming across posts that tell different pieces of this story.

In the situation that you are in, what I was asking here doesn't apply to your situation.