Do You Also Hate The Things Your Abuser Likes?

[J_trustno1]

I'll explain what I mean. Lets say you like this comedy sitcom and you discover your childhood abuser also likes it, do you end up hating the show because of them liking it? I don't know if I am being valid here. Or When your abuser likes something you also like would you automatically starting hating that thing?

I am experiencing this!! As I hate having the enjoyment out of the same thing my abuser likes! He reminds me of my childhood labor and I hate seeing him happy. I am hating everything they enjoy even if I liked that something initially!!! Why am I doing opposite things so that my likes don't match my abusers? Does anyone else here also feel this??

Why I do hate to see them happy and having fun time? Am I a hater? I hate it when my mother spends time with them although they are her relatives. I don't mind her spending time outside the house elsewhere as long as she's not with them. Am I behaving weird here?

 

[SeanCharles]

@jess_trustno1 Interesting thread here! In terms of my abuser(s), I haven't encountered myself doing this pattern before. Changing our likes to sudden dislike to avoid match someone Else's liking, seems to be a defensive mechanism. In so doing, Maybe it's a protective measure to keep you safe? I do know a bit of your history, so this does seem justifiable to me that to prevent any contact you have a dislike for things they like.

 

[billie]

Yeah I struggle with this too. (((Hugs)))

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Geordie and @billie . It is like that I don't want to be one of them. I don't know if it a defense mechanism or a reaction but it always happens for some reason :(. I just have that anger and hate towards them. I'm holding to all the detail very well and having trouble letting go of things!

 

[Lucycat]

I am right with you on this. I won't watch tv programmes that I know my abuser watches. Part of this is that even though I am hundreds of miles away I don't want to feel like I am sitting doing the same thing at the same time as him.

There are other things that I also 'don't like' that I used to. Certain colours and some music. Things that I associate with my childhood.

I realise it is illogical. I think it could be called avoidance.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Lucycat . I even hate the site of them. I don't know if I have to beat myself to stop doing this but it seems almost impossible. It's a horrible reaction I am having.

 

[digger]

Yes, I struggle with this one too. I don't want to be able to identify with him in anyway. I don't want to be like him in anyway. I don't want to share anything with him. I don't want to be reminded of him when I am doing things I enjoy. It feels contaminated.

I do keep working on it though, because it is me that's losing out because of it. I have a love/passion for photography. In some ways it has therapeutic benefits for me. But the other side of it is that he was also a keen photographer. It is hard. Very.

If it's something you are/were passionate about. If it's something that is important to you. Then I think you owe it to yourself to keep working on it and to try and take back ownership of it and your enjoyment of it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I understand what you're dealing with, but at the same time, I urge you to fight against it. Why? Well your abuser has already taken a lot from you. He doesn't deserve to be able to take anything more!

I went through a period when my abuser was stealing my good memories. Literally, she was stealing them! I had fond memories of eating one of my my favorite foods while on vacation. I actually put it into a book of happy memories. After I developed PTSD, this food suddenly became a trigger and eating it would bring on flashbacks and I'd become physically ill as I had remembered she fed it to me too. I was SO mad that she was still stealing things from me, that I vowed to not let it happen again if I could help it. From there on out I fought against it and she hasn't been able to take anything else from me.

Don't let your abuser take any more happiness from you. Regardless of whether or not you like something, he will still continue to like it. That is, you hating something has no affect on him, but it can have a very negative effect on you. You have no control over his actions, but you can work against letting him steal more happiness from you. Why give him more power?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Yes, but on the plus I also revel in things he hates - He used to yell and scream at us if we ever wanted to eat out, one highlight of this was on one of my birthday's when he yelled at me and my mum on the drive between the beach and pizza hut (we never ate out or had pizza, I was really looking forward to it and it was my birthday present) - in the end my mum took him back to his place after a few hours, then we went out late without him :p - I can't begin to say how much this meant to me that my mum did this :)

Now I'm still scared about going out, but I know I won't see him in a restaurant and I also feel a little triumphant sense of victory because I feel like it's an active act of rebellion against him. :eek::cautious::cool::)

 

[J_trustno1]

@Kas_Can_Fly : I hated celebrating my birthdays because of the bastard i have identified above. He humiliated me in front of 50+ people on my 13th birthday when I held the blunt side of the knife upside down. He also called me names on that birthday. He did that on my 14th and 16th birthday too. He made me feel shit. Therefore, I hated celebrating my birthdays till last year. I never celebrated anything in my life because of him and others.

@Solara : yes you are right. I shouldn't give them the satisfaction of stealing away my happiness from me. You are so damn right. I should be fighting this other than avoiding it. Therefore, I've already decided that i will celebrate my 27th birthday this year after so many years and I will also celebrate my graduation which is next month.


Thank you so much to everyone that answered this question.

 

[jmni]

I guess I feel more guilty if I catch myself enjoying something that my abuser would like. But I think its pretty normal. You want them to be out of sight and out of mind and the littlest things can remind you of them and ruin everything.

 

[y5L]

YES! I have a whole list of things I hate for no real good reason except that they are associated with an abuser. Black pepper being a big one.

Even as a kid, when my father wanted me to play trumpet (like him) I joined chorus.