Not Really Ptsd Related, But I Could Use Some Advice

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi everyone,

I don't really know how to state this, so I'll just start and hope it makes sense.

About 9 months ago I started dating a nice guy who genuinely makes me happy. He makes me feel wanted, safe and even beautiful (which is huge for me, being a survivor of anorexia as well as sexual abuse) and we have a lot of fun together.

But there's one problem: we have to keep it a secret. His parents are from India and they won't accept him having a girlfriend. They want to decide on a girl they like and preferably have him marry her right away.
He temporarily moved back in with his parents and he's looking for a place of his own now that he has a steady job. This gives us very little time together.

What I'm really struggling with is the uncertainty. I barely ever see him and I never know for sure when or how long it will be. I know it's all very complex, but I find it very difficult not to want more. I feel like there's a very fine line between standing up for myself and being disrespectful (to his family's cultural background or his own troubles for trying to keep us a secret so that we can be together).

I must add that I have serious trouble maintaining a healthy relationship with anyone; let's just say I haven't had the healthiest examples. But he's really a nice guy and when he does have time for me he makes me happy.

I just have a lot of trouble differentiating between true happiness and mere acceptance of being treated poorly, if that makes any sense. I want to stand up for myself, but I don't want to be disrespectful and I most certainly don't want to lose him over something so trivial.

Should I be asking for more? Is this a truly unhealthy relationship? I'd really appreciate your insights advice.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think this is trivial at all - and it may even be very PTSD related. Trauma can affect feeling safe enough to stand up for ourselves in relationships, and lead us to believe that some things are ok when they really are not the best situations for us. I'm not sure if that's the case for you or not.

If there are no other big red flags, then I don't know that I would call this relationship unhealthy overall. However, it is concerning that he keeps it a secret. Not just that he keeps it a secret, but why he does - it's a big sign that you both may be in for hard times down the road.

No adult needs to tell their parents everything - but his parents sound like they do very much want to be involved in his son's life, and he sounds like he really doesn't want to upset them.

I wonder at what point would he risk telling his parents. If this is going to work out over the long haul, I can only imagine that he is going to need to tell them someday. I can see from his shoes that his delay might be about him needing to keep the peace so he has a place to live, and doesn't upset his family while he also sorts out if this is the long term relationship he wants to take the risk of telling them over.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be for him to tell his parents, and the more betrayed his parents will likely feel - which is setting you both up for a lot of heartache down the road. even if he tells them now, it's probably going to be rough on you both.

You deserve a guy who is proud of you as his girlfriend, and it's hard to see that you have to keep such a great thing so secret.

It sounds like that he has been a really great guy except for this. I'm glad you have found someone who really helps you feel like the beautiful and cherished person you are, and that you have a lot of fun together. I don't really know what I would do in your shoes. I do think is might be good to have a serious conversation with him about how he sees this working out over the long haul, and about when he finally risk would tell his family. Starting to prepare for that now, and the possible fall out, will likely help you both.

 

[Springer80]

Two things, if the reasons for his secrecy is real then potentially he could risk being disowned by his family, ostracised from his community, disinherited and blamed for driving division into his family. All pretty heavy stuff.

The other point and this is perhaps cynical but you do feel his worries are genuine and not fabricated to string you along?

 

[arfie]

In my early therapy, my attraction to unavailable men was very much connected to my PTSD issues. It was a way to have intimacy without confronting my trust issues. Neither I, nor my therapists were convinced it was unhealthy under the cirumstances. I was definitely not ready for a committed relationship and I think it was beneficial to tackle those issues in therapy before I tried to tackle them in a love relationship.

But that was me. Supportive hugs while you sort what it is for you.

 

[mamachick]

Oh I can really relate to this more than imagined.

When I was about 23, I had just divorced my abusive husband and had a 5 yr old daughter. I worked at a hospital where I met a wonderful Indian man, he was a medical student doing 6 month rotation and then would graduate med school and be given and internship at an unknown place. He pursued me strongly, even though I thought I was not ready to date again. Soon I learned how wonderful he was. We were crazy about each other. His parents were in another state so knew nothing. I was not really aware of how his parents would react until it came graduation time. Just before, he explained to me how his parents expected him to marry an Indian woman, and would not approve, so I could not go to the commencement. At this time, we were dating about 6 months. I felt a little hurt but respected the culture, after all, I did not want him to cause a riff when he would be moving and did not know what or where our relationship would go.

Right after graduation, he spent a week with his parents before moving 3000 miles to his internship. We talked on the phone everyday. During that time, he mentioned me to his parents. They were disapproving, particularly his father. Even worse to his father, I was divorced with a child. He came to the US at a very young age and was very Americanized as well. He told me the truth about his parents feelings. I felt hurt but tried not to show it because I did not want to make him feel bad or withhold in the future.

He moved 3000 miles, and over the next year, I visited several times for a week. His father would call and I would answer his phone, thinking it might be him calling from the hospital where he put so many hours in. The father was brief with me, and confronted his son about my traveling so far to visit and the seriousness of the relationship. My boyfriend stood his ground with his father, but I felt like I was creating the conflict. We were serious, even discussed marraige, and he decided to apply for a residency a couple hundred miles from me so we could drive back and forth after his first year. I was young, just out of abusive relationship, did not know how to stand up for self and felt shamed by his parents who I never actually met. I did not have the confidence to stand up to them (they were very educated too and I was not). Just before he moved to be closer to me, I ended the relationship. I did not have the confidence to be the source of contempt with his parents. Some people told me that when push comes to shove, he will marry and Indian woman-thats how its done. He denied that he would do that even though that is parents wishes. Uncertainty in the amount of control the parents had played in my decision as well. We still communicated for a couple of years, at which time he met another American woman.

They dated several years and then she married him. She had the confidence to stick with him, to trust that she would not be pushed aside for his parents wishes.

I would not push making the parents aware if it is not necessary. I would want to have the discussion of what his plans are? Does he intend to follow his parents demands? If acceptable answers, enjoy each other and save the news for the parents only when ready, which might be a committment. I dont think it will be any harder to tell them later than sooner. When he gets his apartment he will have more freedom to be with you. If you two are happy together and chose a future, gear yourself up with confidence and pride to stand up for what and who you want. I respect others cultures. The parents brought these men here and the men have their own choice to make.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. You really gave me more insight into the situation.

I don't think this is trivial at all - and it may even be very PTSD related. Trauma can affect feeling safe enough to stand up for ourselves in relationships, and lead us to believe that some things are ok when they really are not the best situations for us. I'm not sure if that's the case for you or not.

Thank you for saying that. It helped me realize that this is much more strongly related to my PTSD than I thought. Over the years I have lost my ability to instantly feel and express emotions. I don't know what a "normal" relationship is like and I don't know what my own boundaries are.

Also, your statement that I deserve a boyfriend who is proud of having me really struck a cord with me (in a good way). Because that's what I want. I don't want to always wonder if he cares about me as much as I do about him. And I don't want to constantly be afraid that he'll just drop me if his parents find out.

The other point and this is perhaps cynical but you do feel his worries are genuine and not fabricated to string you along?

I didn't find your reply cynical :) I do feel that he genuinely cares about me and that he really likes me. But the stringing along part does still scare me a little bit. I just get the feeling he's not telling me everything. Not that he's lying to me, but I do feel like he's hiding something. Sometimes I fear that he already knows this isn't going to work out and that he'll marry a girl his parents have chosen for him.

I agree with you all that I should definitely talk to him about it. I find it very hard because I've started similar conversations a couple of times before and I don't want to be a nag or seem suspicious of him. But I guess the only way I can have peace of mind in this case is to engage in the conversation. If he really cares about me, he'll tell me the truth, right?[DOUBLEPOST=1398532989,1398532851][/DOUBLEPOST]@arfie : thanks for sharing that. There might be some truth in that for me, too. I do feel like I'm not ready for something serious, but at the same time I feel like I need someone around me. Someone who'll support me and take care of me, because sometimes I just can't do it all on my own, you know?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I would not push making the parents aware if it is not necessary. I would want to have the discussion of what his plans are? Does he intend to follow his parents demands? If acceptable answers, enjoy each other and save the news for the parents only when ready, which might be a committment. I dont think it will be any harder to tell them later than sooner. When he gets his apartment he will have more freedom to be with you. If you two are happy together and chose a future, gear yourself up with confidence and pride to stand up for what and who you want. I respect others cultures. The parents brought these men here and the men have their own choice to make.

Thank you for sharing your story with me! I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two.

I agree that I should have that discussion with him. I deserve to have a crystal clear image of what I can and cannot expect, right? Of course those expectations can change, but if he has already decided he's going to leave me as soon as his parents introduce them to a girl they find appropriate for marriage, I would have to leave. If he does believe in us, then I see no reason to walk away now.

Also, I don't intend on making him tell his parents about us. I can live with not knowing that. But I need to know if he would stand up for me if his parents would find out. And if he would leave me if his parents tell him to marry someone else.

I don't want to get married any time soon. I'm still a student and obviously have a lot of issues to figure out first. But I'm scared of being hurt again. Being taken advantage of.. again. I need to know now that I'm not too invested in this relationship yet.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have been thinking about this since yesterday.

I am married to an Indian man and have been for 6 years.

I hear what you are talking about a lot actually. It really has all to do with the person honestly. Most Indian parents are very involved in their children's lives but that doesn't mean they will dislike you becasue of race.

My in-laws for example are still in India and haven't ever interacted with Caucasians. In fact only with one family and all the others they have seen on the streets as backpackers traveling though India cheaply. My husband says they don't give the best impression becasue they often are not clean. Other then that they never have.

However, they like me mostly becasue they respect my husband to make good choices. They were not always very happy with me but they warmed to me very quickly and I think most of it is becasue my husband is a strong person and like I said they respect his judgment.

They also like me becasue I know things about their culture. I don't know how much you know about Indian culture but that might be something you look into. What part of Indian are his parents from? Have you watched any Indian movies? Does he speak any of his native language (Indian has many many official languages)? Do you know anything about the culture or clothing?

And a big one: What religion is he? India has many.

My household is a interracial household. Both my husband and myself are aware our cultures are a bit different and we are find with that. We both embrace the other. My husband is also open minded. I can not explain it but our marriage has always been very different from a lot of interracial marriages I see.

This is really something you need to talk with him about. It is not easy. If his parents never warm to you and accept you, any relationship you may have will be rocky.

Best wishes.

So it really has to do with the person. If you are worried he will leave you then he just might.[DOUBLEPOST=1398534123,1398533901][/DOUBLEPOST]

Also, I don't intend on making him tell his parents about us.

I do understand this but I don't agree. You have been dating for 9 months and like I said Indian parents are very much a part of their kids lives.

Keeping you as a secret for much longer would be a bad choice since it will only cause more issues. I know another member here said that as well.

 

[Springer80]

Just thought Id say that in-laws can be tricky inter-racial or not...especially mothers who are possessive of their sons!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My daughter went through something like your situation. The parents were very controlling of their son and interfered greatly and he had torn loyalties but in the end caved in to his parents demands and filed for divorce.

Mabe you could start seeing other people since he is keeping it a big secret. Obviously he is terrified of his parents and I do not see a happy future with him. It hurts like hell when this happens.

I think you need to write out the pros and cons in making your final decision before it goes any farther.

I wish I had words of comfort for you. But please know I am trying to help you not have such heartache in the future.

Besides keeping secrets like this is very sick and unhealthy. I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@Springer80 : haha, yeah that's true. I've heard and read plenty of stories about "monster-in-laws" :p

@gizmo: thank you for sharing your opinion. Your advice seems very wise and I am definitely going to take that into consideration.

I'll make a list of pros of cons:

Pros:
- He makes me feel good about myself
- He takes care of me and makes me feel safe.
- We have a real connection and can therefore talk about all kinds of stuff
- When we are together we usually have a lot of fun, which really cheers me up.

Cons:
- We have to keep our relationship a secret
- He currently cannot give me the time together and commitment that I need and I don't know when or if he ever will.
- There will always be a chance of his family breaking us up
- The uncertainty is weighing very heavily on me

 

[Echo]

@Snowwhite - you may find if you are able to talk to him that some of the things on your list of cons are just fears. He may tell you that he'll never let his family make his choices for him, for instance. He may be able to tell you that once he has his own place he plans to be open about you; maybe he doesn't want to be disrespectful of their beliefs when he's under their roof.

I wonder if you are able to find a way of stating your needs: that you want to see more of him, that you need to know when the secrecy will end and whether he feels he is likely to go for an arranged marriage at some point in the future, etc. You have a right to know and have your wishes/needs taken into account so that you can work out whether the relationship meets your idea of a good one. Not asking might perhaps be a way of giving him too much power (I know this is where I've gone wrong in the past!).

I do hope it works out for you.