The Public Display

[LisawithPTSD]

The outward expressions of my flashbacks are contained mostly to saying 'no, no, no'. Sometimes shouting it. They can be brief and I can go about my business (tied to a fleeting thought) but they are frequent and uncontrollable. I live in a small town (less than 7,000) and I grew up here. Most people do not know I have PTSD. I'm an average, well-functioning, inconspicuous sufferer. However, in the past few years I've had to tell people as another trauma has made my symptoms worse. It feels like I'm coming out of the closet but I feel like I should put it out there. Open up about it. Mostly because I cannot hide it anymore. I'm not sure this is a good idea. Any thoughts on this?

I just yelled "no" at the top of my lungs walking down a busy street in the middle of town then again in a convenience store getting coffee. Usually I can blame this on a dog when I'm walking but not today.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not sure what to say. I don't have any obvious (to the uninformed) external symptoms.

On another thread (it was related to what to tell your boss at work)...there were suggestions to say something that was still true, but less than PTSD, and more understood by the general population. One example was depression, but this doesn't fit the behaviours that you are trying to explain away.

I'm totally guessing here.....but would it work to say you have something similar to turrets, but that you only ever say the word "no". The advantage of relating it to something that is more understood by most people is that they are less likely to ask further questions. I would not like to tell some random person I had PTSD, because they would ask why...which would most often be a trigger for me.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Its funny I often call it "Trauma Turrets".

The shame I feel in those instances is severe but it is often fleeting. Usually I'm lost in thought and don't realize I've dissociated. When I yell out I kinda come to which is why its fleeting. My therapists have encouraged me to express it this way *which I naturally do( but I find it adds to my humilation. Maybe I need to keep an ear bud in my ear and pretend I'm on the phone.

I agree, it is very stupid that when I tell someone I have PTSD then they ask me to explain how it happened. I'm like, "WTH! You want me to relive me trauma! Moron!"

 

[ghotiff]

The shame I feel in those instances is severe but it is often fleeting

Maybe what you need to work on is your internal 'shame' response. You shouldn't feel shame...I mean I get it, and I feel shame to....but we shouldn't feel shame. A person with a broken ankle doesn't feel shame for limping.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Yeah. It's a symptom of the long work I have to do. Let me clarify though, the shame I feel is related to the trauma. I'm embarrassed about the outburst but not necessarily shamed.[DOUBLEPOST=1399084927,1399084808][/DOUBLEPOST]I'm trying to be ok with it and not give a crap what others think.
In a way telling people I have PTSD might be liberating. I don't know.[DOUBLEPOST=1399085075][/DOUBLEPOST]Maybe I should just embrace it and start pushing a grocery cart and wear wool coats and scarves in summer. that way i can talk to myself too.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

To be honest, I don't think I can really help. But my coping strategy is to act and look a little loopy (while I'm writing this I can see how absurd it is). Like

I wear crazy clothes and act kinda eccentric. The thinking is if people think I'm crazier than I am, they are wrong therefore I don't need to feel bad about it. Oh my gosh I have just realised I'm crazier than I think I am. Haha if you can't laugh then what can you do.

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe I should just embrace it and start pushing a grocery cart and wear wool coats and scarves in summer. that way i can talk to myself too

Gosh that made me laugh....

 

[arfie]

When I can't keep myself from talking to myself, I just put on a cell headset... I have often wondered how many in the Bluetooth crowd are fellow nutjobs.

Not caring what other people think came quite naturally to me. It made for a callousness I feel better without. I don't recommend it. Caring is a quality worth nurturing, starting with caring for yourself enough to stop internalizing. Learning how and when to talk about your PTSD can be an important part of healing, including those embarrassing ticks and quirks. Personally, I keep talking about it contextual. If it fits the conversation, I talk about it. If it doesn't, I don't see the point of bringing it up. It is neither a secret, nor a tattoo on my forehead. Balance in all things.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I had a horrible trigger at a meeting today and like you, I kept silent and was reminded not of any thank yous or anything good I did. Everyone else, who has less experience than me at this meeting, was telling me what to do and all I could do was just sit there and do nothing. I just want to cry right now and tell the people involved that I have done things that would make their head's spin when it comes to work but what good would that do? I felt the trigger come on and I froze up because I remember the words of others stating that "you're not good enough" coming through my head and that I felt as though I was a "nobody" like my opinions didn't count and I was helpless. I am crying now and I'm about to run out of this office and just run somewhere. I don't know where but I just want to run. I'm currently looking for another job right now and have applied and applied and applied but I'm not a person to talk that much in public because of my fear of speaking although I'm professional.
I feel I've lost my nerve and that all I want to do is just run away. Help.

 

[austint]

I ran, like, majorly, four states and 8 homes in less than two years. It was good to escape my abusers, but running and running doesn't really make a difference. I think the best thing is to find a good support system and stick to it like white on rice.

This thread is great, I haven't laughed that hard in a while, it is hard to laugh now, especially about this stuff.

Trauma Turrets, I love it !

Last spring I was in my office after hours and I kept all the lights off so my boss wouldn't find me, I would call the suicide hot line for hours because there was no one else who would answer their phones or doors for me but my boss, and he was just a dirty old man. I got so triggered I had an seizure right there in the office, I had held in all the screams and feelings so tightly for so long I got shingles, pneumonia, and seizures all at once.

It wasn't until I embraced my "trauma turrets" that my health got a bit better. It is still awful, but I have found if I take certain paths when I am triggered, and others when I am even I can fool myself into believing only the half the people I encounter will think I am a nut job.

For example, There are two stores in walking distance, I walk on the side walk to one, and that is where I am often seen roadside screaming my daughter's name, why why why God, and I don't want this burden, while sobbing. The other store is through a bike path that cuts through a neighborhood, these people know me as the nice girl who chats with them about lawn aeration and flower beds.

 

[Go Hungry]

I normally just exhale rather quickly or tense my muscles ever so slightly. That's when I'm outside or in sight of people. When I'm out of sight, but in the presence of people I'll raise my palm like shield in front of me if it's more than a sigh can cover. I'll also walk around the office or look out the windows sometimes.