Expecting Sex (rant)

[Meadowsweet]

I think everyone should just be themselves, and give their own opinions without stepping lightly around anything.

Men who have this power thing and seek out to rape women, find it easier to prey on those whoes clothing shows more skin.

you are missing the start of a 'relationship' between the man and the women. The man is first attracted to something, most likely both her appearance and, quite often, her lack of confidence/self-worth making her an easy target. That is where my point of appearance comes in, the inital 'attraction' between the man and women being appearance.

These to me seem quite different points that you are making. Lack of clothing often gives a very different impression from lack of confidence and self worth for starters. And having had many male friends, women in very little clothing are more often seen as somebody who will have sex without any contemplation of having a relationship.

I agreed with your initial point. But I disagree with an idea that domestic abuse and sexual violence in a relationship is anything to do with a woman wearing skimpy clothes when they first met. that just doesn't work at all. I've never worn skimpy clothes, and I believe that my 'look said' - trying to hide because I'm shy, unsure of myself, don't fit in and some issues. So quite the opposite, I think my covered up look made me look vulnerable to people seeking to groom and dominate in a relationship.

 

[Nicolette]

But I am sick to death of supporters who thing they are victims because they are not getting enough sex.

I don't believe they think they are victims - I believe they feel the relationship is unjust as their needs are not being met while having to cater and deal with PTSD. How they process that is their right and, like yourself, they have life experiences which influence their views.

While I don't wish to take this off topic @Meadowsweet I see you as a big advocate for other's respecting needs of PTSD Sufferers and that's fine. Reality is it's a case of "walk a mile in my shoes"................

 

[anthony]

I too, as only a new poster, am quite staggered by the number of 'supporters' who post bemoaning, if they're men, that their partner won't/can't put out for them and 'help me to find ways to fix her; or, if they're women, it's along the lines of 'he's acting odd, I need his constant reassurance that he loves me, 'help me to fix him so that he will love me'.

Funnily, they're often thinking the same thing about those who discover they have PTSD and the issues that come along with it and that they have to deal with. Looking at one side can suit your argument, but looking at both sides, suddenly things aren't simply one side bitching and whining, because the other side is doing the same thing in reverse based on their issues being felt.

Supporters have their fault in relationship matters dealing with PTSD, no doubt about it... most of it is purely because they have no idea what they're dealing with, and their partner has suddenly gone from b to y as a person in a short period of time.

The irony is that PTSD sufferers blame supporters for issues, and supporters blame PTSD sufferers for issues. Both have fault... but it is usually the PTSD sufferer that cause the most issue for a relationship. It is after all, the PTSD sufferer with the mental illness, not the supporter.

 

[Meadowsweet]

While I don't wish to take this off topic @Meadowsweet I see you as a big advocate for other's respecting needs of PTSD Sufferers and that's fine. Again it's a case of "walk a mile in my shoes"................

No, your view of me is quite wrong and seems to have been for some time. If you have decided this about me, then you will pick up on the posts that support your view, and miss everything I write in-between.

I've lived with myself since long before I was diagnosed with PTSD, and some of what I struggle with has been around long before PTSD. You don't know me well enough to make assumptions. I appreciate your honesty about what you think of me, but I hope that you will listen to what I've said here and look a bit wider than a few threads.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

@Meadowsweet - where in my last post did I say skimpy clothing had anything to do with abuse? I stated that their appearance attracted the man to them, not that specifically skimpy clothing attracted the man to them.

 

[Barberian]

The man is first attracted to something, most likely both her appearance and, quite often, her lack of confidence/self-worth making her an easy target.

From personal experience, "Guy talk" - when only the guys are around, countless scientific studies, ect... When you boil out all the political correctness, the wives tales, the BS, Guys are visual beasts - the first thing we notice is how a woman looks, what is her figure - is she a possible mate that can produce a healthy successful child? Attractiveness/sexiness is a very high factor in that equation. What is she wearing or not wearing - Is she advertising she is available (nothing wrong with that. More women will chose to wear dresses when ovulating if they don't have a set preference for dresses or pants).

Almost all healthy men do NOT look for lack of confidence or self worth. They want a partner who won't go psycho on them and ruin their lives. They want a healthy partner to build a life with. I strongly suspect you are using transference from an unhealthy past. I strongly suggest you seek counseling on this. What a woman wears is not an advertisement for rape. It's a reflection on how she feels, what she desires (healthy relationship with an attractive man.. or woman), power - if she desires it, wealth - if she desires it, and how she want's to accomplish it - in a feminine way, or projecting power in a masculine way. She may chose her fashion for the day on an expression of her personality, mood, social status (or lack of), fitting in with or standing out of a group or ideology. It is never an invitation to violence including rape. Hearing this come from a woman is disturbing. Usually I would avoid a conversation on this topic simply because I am a man.

I have NEVER forced a sexual encounter. I will never force a sexual encounter. I haven't had an affair. It's been almost 5 1/2 years since the Mrs. and I have been intimate. I do not pressure her for it, because I know I'm not going to get it. She has medical and emotional issues that make it undesirable for her. I could have left her once it became apparent it's not going to happen. Rather than end a relation ship that started in '88, and with the knowledge that there are other methods for sexual release (masturbation), I've stayed with her. Do I miss the sex, intimacy, closeness? HELL YA. They don't call it a sex drive for nothing. The internet is a great mirror of the human condition. If you want to know just how important sex is to the average human, simply Google how much of the population watches porn around 80% of the house holds... Sexual content is the highest consumed content on the internet. The vast majority do so responsibly - not raping. Rape comes from a sick mind that wants to control and humiliate their victim. it's not about the orgasm which can much more easily be attained by simply putting hand to crotch.

 

[anthony]

I like these conversations... if people can keep the arguing to a minimal, they often toss around a lot of good concepts, ideas and give some results within all the discussion.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Katarina19 , I may well have misunderstood what your point is. I didn't understand the first post in comparison to the later explanation of it. I still don't.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Almost all healthy men do NOT look for lack of confidence or self worth. They want a partner who won't go psycho on them and ruin their lives. They want a healthy partner to build a life with. I strongly suspect you are using transference from an unhealthy past. I strongly suggest you seek counseling on this

Uhm, thank you but I didn't say healthy men looked for a lack of confidence or self-worth. I stated that people who set out to take advantage of women often seek this. Please read what I actually say before commenting. I also do not need counselling on this topic, Im not a 'healthy' partner however my boyfriend loves me and wants to build a life with me, and he knows I could go psycho on him but he actually has a kind heart and knows I wont ruin his life doing so. I think it's harsh of you to assume I have an unhealthy past and that I need counselling. My personal life is none of your buisness, no offense, so whether I need counselling or not is not up to you to suggest.

Also, I didn't say dressing a particular way was an invitation from violence.

- Nevermind. I don't want to discuss this any further and from here on out, this is the last words I will say on this website. My boyfriend advised me (that due to my sensitive nature) to not participate in these forums. And on this topic, apparently I disgust you and disturb you all with my opinions. Which is fair enough, everyone is entitled to their opinions, but never on a forum for health related issues - especially mental health - have I encountered such stuck up, arrogant and blatantly rude people. You should all be ashamed.

@Meadowsweet, I guess you will never know what I meant by my former and latter post. What a shame. I'm sure you'll assume something or make something up out of my words.

 

[anthony]

I'm sure you'll assume something or make something up out of my words.

It seems to be happening a lot here lately... not member specific, but people are doing a crapload of assuming and rewording, discarding words, to suit their bias. It's annoying.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Barberian , it's good to hear that you have stuck by your wife. I've been single for many years, because inside I would feel terrible guilt for not providing for a mans needs. I couldn't live with myself doing that. But that isn't a judgement on others, it's just something that is so ingrained into me, that it sticks.

But it is still good to hear that there are people who have that closer bond.

 

[Laura 2]

@anthony - I didn't have blame in mind. I was just observing. Though it's true to say that most people do not understand PTSD. People with PTSD seem to have a better understanding of people who don't suffer from PTSD. The level or degree of accommodations offered and extended to PTSD sufferers is clearly minimal or non-existent.