Relationship Dissociation Hurts So Bad....what To Do?

[HEART BROKEN]

No I've been through the mill before.... it's just this is the most severe - he stopped wearing his wedding band, stopped sexual relations with me, stopped communicating entirely even regarding the children, keeps bringing up divorce. Says he is just tired of "fighting" - we don't fight/argue (he won't), feels like he is never good enough or does enough. Angry because we are "here" again. He is the victim (PTSD - childhood trauma - lots of fear, trust issues, worthlessness). I have a strong personality and abandonment issues. He is passive and withdraws. Opposite attraction may have brought us together, but it seems it is also tearing us apart. We have a very busy hectic life caring/supporting 6 children with high stress levels for both of us. No time for just us. His needs include daily recognition of his hard work and praise, which I failed to verbalize daily - and now is rejected because he feels it is forced. My needs are to have some type of daily connection to feel special - a gentle kiss, cuddle time, one compliment - he feels if he takes me out once in a while it should hold me over until the next outing, which could be in a week or 4 months from the last. I also suggested a weekly date night - just 2 hours, even to just take a walk in a park, go to the movies, or dinner, but that has yet to happen. He is very black and white, I myself see the gray. He feels things should be absolute, never changing, never faltering. I see and accept regular relationship struggles, he can't.

Maybe I'm just beating a dead horse at this point. Maybe I'm not as special as I once was in his eyes. Maybe what was can never be again. Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he just wants out and I can't accept it.

These are a few of my favorite things....Will try and get back to the gym - was training for a 5k. Bible study starts again next week. Sushi dates with a girlfriend.

 

[Lucycat]

Maybe he just doesn't love me anymore.

Maybe he just doesn't love himself...

 

[desiderata310]

AH! training for a 5K! yes! Keep that going! ever heard of Another Mother Runner? Love the running tribe. Lots of ladies there who battle all sorts of issues including spouses who are unsupportive, etc. Check them out too! Also very inspirational if you are a runner or want to be a runner. Dimity and Sarah are kind of my bad ass heroes as is Meredith of Swim Bike Mom. But I digress...

Sushi? OH YES! Yum. I've been trying to learn to make sushi rice. There's a challenge. I understand it's very methodic and can be somewhat meditative. Lots of steps if you are determined to do it right.

Don't beat the horse. Stand back and hang out by the apple tree.

 

[darrenS]

It sounds you have a good back up plan, i dont know what to suggest about your husbands behavior, having been through similar with my partner and myself being the one who was out of control (although i did not cut contact with my kids). I can only suggest you look after yourself and look for some outside support with your kids. Its bad enough living in the pain you must feel, but having a big family gives you no space at all - I hope things turn for you in the direction that suits you best

 

[HEART BROKEN]

I just need to write....

I am saddened and sick over my current situation. Is it PTSD? Is it falling out of love?
When you love - really love - it should be unconditional...right? Funny that my husband and I agreed upon that at one time, however the realization is that his love WAS conditional.

Conditional on me being "perfect" because now he says he feels nothing towards me. I have a tightness in my chest today, a heartache, that begs an answer..."Was I ever really loved by him?" How do you just fall out of love with someone? How is it that you feel nothing on the inside for me? You don't even have the desire to share your day with me, your thoughts, your words, good or bad.

"I feel nothing for you" he says....yet I continue to love you unconditionally, even through the hurt you have caused, because that is what you do for someone you love unconditionally!! and why was "Here and Now" by Luther Vandross blaring over the speakers in the lunch room cafeteria today??? so loud I just wanted to run out of there screaming and crying. Ugh

Was I ever loved???

My father left when I was 8yrs old and never looked back. My first husband left was I was 8 months pregnant with our second child and never looked back. My current husband wants to leave because he feels nothing towards me..... Like I said I already have abandonment issues from my earlier experiences. This is not looking or feeling good to me right now. I am a Christian. I live a good life. My heart is in the right with God. I don't get physical. I don't have bad habits. I am loyal to a fault. But I am not perfect. I get upset sometimes. I verbally lash out on a bad stressful day, but have only ever cursed once at him and I may not be as supportive to him with work as I should be in our busy life that consumes and controls my days.

Where is MY love? Where is MY support?

Yes okay it is in my children. In my therapist. In my one friend who knows. In my mother who just loves.

But I want a husband. A man.

I thought that was what I had.....

 

[desiderata310]

Probably not the best person to talk about this but I can tell you this:
My first husband up and left me about 10 years ago. He came home one day and said he didn't love me and had never loved me. It hurt. Much like this hurts. He figured it out eventually. (of course by that time I was DONE with it all so that was his loss) He had never stopped loving me, he just didn't love himself.

Where's your love? Your support? Your husband?
It's still there.
Marriage is messy and dirty. Marriage is anxiety making and difficult and it's a damn roller coaster event that most people don't want to stick around for.

He's got to figure out his head. He's got to find a way to get better and when that happens he can go back to being that full support for you.

I can hear you screaming: "BUT WHAT IF HE DOESN'T?"

Hon, IF that happens, you are still more and worth more than that relationship. And you are stronger than you know. You deserve more than what he gives you right now.

And meanwhile. Yes, I am certain that you were loved and are currently loved.

Deep breaths there, lady. You've got this. Gonna take some deep digging on this one. I'm no longer a Christian but I am going to suggest this title to you since you are: Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. You need to read it for where you are right now. It is possible to be supportive and still set up firm boundaries that keep you from being a door mat and having no worth or power here.

And if I can write this in my super triggered, freaked out, foggy headed state, (NOT meaning to make unfair comparisons just hoping for perspective for you and for me. I'm in a shitty head space) I have EVERY confidence that you can keep writing and talking and thinking to us and by doing so being strong for you, for your kids and for your husband. (yes, even as he does really stupid things)

You've got this. I have confidence in you.

Just keep moving forward.

We are still here.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

HE IS LEAVING.....
WE ARE SEPERATING....DIVORCING....
I AM BESIDE MYSELF..... UTTERLY HEART BROKEN.... :cry:

We had a therapy session set up for tonight, which we decided we will both still go to. Guess we will discuss how to tell the children, etc. He says he sees now that he should continue with therapy on his own, but can't stay with me in the meantime. Feels like shit. Feels like he is a bad person for hurting me and dragging me in to his stuff. Feels like he will never be able to change his way of thinking/feeling.

I WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND STAY THERE UNTIL I CAN FEEL BETTER.....GUESS THAT IS THE ROUTE HE IS CHOOSING
BUT I CAN'T. I HAVE THE KIDS. I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES. I HAVE HOUSE TO TAKE CARE OF. I HAVE SOCCER AND FOOTBALL SCHEDULES TO KEEP FOR THE KIDS. I HAVE A JOB. I HAVE A BABY SHOWER FOR MY OLDEST DAUGHTER THIS WEEKEND.
OH GOD!! WHY??? :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

 

[darrenS]

i am so sorry to hear it, i really am, the load you are carrying is too much for one person, is there any support available at all ? is there anything we can do here to make it any easier ?

 

[Melmonte]

Heart broken,
I totally feel your pain. My husband who I KNOW loves me has done the same thing. I have faith that once he gets help my real husband will be back. I pray your husband will get the true help he needs. Try and breathe for now. I know how hard it is as I'm currently living one day at a time but I find that prayer helps me. The power of prayer is amazing as All things are possible with God. I will keep your family in my prayers and will check in on you. I have four children under the age of 7 and my husband said the EXACT same thing. That he hasn't loved me since we had our first. It's BS and it's HIS PTSD talking. Don't listen! Take care of YOU and your littles for now. God bless you. Hang in there. Hugs

 

[HEART BROKEN]

GOD IS GREAT!!

Amazing what a weekend of clarity and a few days off of work can do.....

Through God's grace my husband returned! He spent the weekend at his brother's house and really took time to process all that we've been discussing. He agreed to get the help he now can see that he really needs, while staying committed to me. I know the road is long and will be bumpy, but finally he has come to some acceptance and plans on working through it. We also spent a couple days off together while all the kids were off at school and reconnected - we went out for lunches, walked around the mall holding hands and shopped for each other.
Prayer does work, when your heart is in the right place. Thank you all for listening and supporting me during my meltdown phase :hug:. Our first real therapy session for each of us in 2 days. Will send updates.
Hopeful in Love once more :happy:

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Deep breaths there, lady. You've got this. Gonna take some deep digging on this one. I'm no longer a Christian but I am going to suggest this title to you since you are: Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. You need to read it for where you are right now. It is possible to be supportive and still set up firm boundaries that keep you from being a door mat and having no worth or power here.

Thank you desiderata310 I have started the book and can't put it down! I really appreciate the recommendation considering you mentioned you were no longer a christian, yet you saw my faith and needs :hug:

I gave him my wedding bands last week sometime after my last post. He won't wear his, as he says he feels it represents a "lie". I felt at the time like it was better to give him mine until he can work through his trauma, before working on our relationship.

It was a quiet week. Felt lonely to me though. Both cordial, just superficial communication, but pleasant. So with pleasant coming to mind to represent our week - I wonder why? Why can't he represent our marriage by wearing his wedding band during the healing period? - to answer my own question - guessing he first needs to do some healing from the trauma before our relationship :banghead: Sometimes I just wish I could rush time to get back to a feeling of stability, but I know it is not in my control. For now I am giving him space, physical and emotional space - I wonder how long I can go on like this feeling in limbo? Feeling very anxious this week, have PMDD and being treated, but still very very anxious this week. Spoke to MD and increased my medication. Will work on "my stuff" tonight at therapy - the green eyed monster :meh: - like when I saw RED :mad: hearing him order 2!! breakfast sandwiches this morning when he called me quick to talk about the bills. I'm certain one is for his counterpart, A WOMAN with whom he will be sharing breakfast with and spends more hours with in a day talking and laughing. Then comes home too tired to even talk after not even as much a text message during the day :depressed:

Welp....here I go for another loop on our roller coaster of a marriage :confused:

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Lots of soul searching this week. Days focused inward filled with reading and praying. I'm reading another book on Christian marriage with a sense of purpose of what I want and deserve. I'm giving, loving and praying without ceasing. I realized this week that I've lost myself in this marriage. The true me. The me that is pleasing to God. I am diligently working on myself every moment. I am not responsible for saving my husband. He needs to find his inner peace and purpose. In the meantime I will love him as I should, but put me first. God is in control. God is leading me and I am choosing to be still, listen, and follow him.

On a side note I was let to and picked up the book, "Healing the Child Within" by Charles Whitfield - ANY FEED BACK?? I haven't decided when, but I plan on presenting the gift to my husband. I don't want to over step my boundary at this point so may have the therapist give it to him. Ultimately only he has the power of knowing when he is ready to heal his inner child.

So busy with the kids! Will be a first time grandmother by the end of next month! Also I am starting on line classes next week!

Flying like an eagle above the storm!! :tup: