I Am Getting Free "meals On Wheels" And I Am Ungrateful!

[Lucycat]

Our elderly friend, Mr M loves cooking. However now that he lives alone he has no-one to cook for. So he has taken to making soup for us at least twice a week. He just brings it along in the saucepan without warning. He has now added bolognese sauce to his repertoire, so I only need to add the spaghetti. Again I never know this is going to turn up - and whatever I have prepared or planned gets put off for a day. The portions are big enough to feed a family of 6 - not just us two. My freezer is getting full as we cannot eat at the rate he delivers.

I just don't know how to put him off without offending him.

Some of the meals he has brought us I did not like. But other than saying I prefer X to Y I am finding it really hard to say I just don't like something. I am also struggling with the fact that he is controlling what we eat. I know he would not see it like that - but then he does not have PTSD. I think in his mind he is rewarding our friendship, and appreciating the fact that I work full time. He is trying to help.

Any words of wisdom to get me out of this cycle, without creating offense?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hm, if its not a problem to you, feed other people of it.
Is there a poor homeless person nearby, ask them if they want a meal.
It might even help you with rehab.

 

[Lucycat]

Is there a poor homeless person nearby, ask them if they want a meal.

A nice idea. But no, here in a remote village in the cold, wet, windy wilds of Scotland we do not have homeless people. They would go to the city- and that is over 100 miles away.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hm, are you skinny?

 

[digger]

Buy a bigger freezer? ;)
Sorry, no actually useful ideas.... My main one would be to redistribute it, but that's hard when everyone knows everyone else in case it got back to him.
I struggle with people bringing me food - I have a friend who always does, she is the sort of person who wouldn't dream of not bringing food! I want so much to be grateful, and part of me is because I understand why she does it, but yes, someone else controlling what I eat I think is probably where the problem is at.

 

[Whirlwind]

But other than saying I prefer X to Y I am finding it really hard to say I just don't like something. I am also struggling with the fact that he is controlling what we eat.

I love to cook and feed people......I am like your friend. I would suggest you tell him what you like and don't like and if it is too much, just tell him flat out you hate to waste food so you need a little less. If you have a dietary restriction, tell him or an eating plan where you would like him to bring food on certain days (say friday food for the weekend is ok but during the week you don't need much?)....

I have fed many people over the years, I always make too much (I should have had a family:) at one point I had folks who would come weekly to my freezer and load up healthy food for the week! Honestly, I loved it.

So I cooked low fat for the gal trying to lose weight....the older man wanted comfort food but had a heart condition.....another person with advanced health issues wanted vegan no gluten low fat. The last one was tricky ;)

I know its hard but my point is, I personally didn't take offense at people's requests, less food or something different. I was on my own for a long time and it is hard to cook for one person, your friend is probably finding the same thing...if he is like me, it wasn't the quantity or the item I made, it was doing something I liked and sharing it.

I think you can strike a happy medium with your friend....he is a friend. Take advantage of his generosity at a level that works for you, I really think it will be ok.

Good luck, Whirlwind

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hm, to bad I don't have much experience with food. During the week I have first to meals for a total price of ~2 dollars, so havent really had leftovers ever.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My first thought would be to tell him you appreciate it, but try planning a schedule of once or twice a week. I hate to hurt people's feelings so I would recommend telling him what you don't like, but I would probably struggle to actually do that myself.

 

[The Albatross]

I too, nurture with food. When I make soup or something like turkey I have been known to scatter it far and wide across an average of 6 other people. For me it is a way of showing caring, and a way that I will not be so lonely having not been able to have children and though I have a spouse it isn't exactly the same. I concur with Whirlwind but perhaps would evaluate the person and perhaps would reciprocate for a meal a week and see if there is any friendship potential. I have adopted various people into my "family"... at present it is my friend's mother with dementia and my 77 year old friend with Parkinson's.

I don't though think that, for one second this person is trying to "control what we (your family) eats". I think he is most likely a lonely elderly person reaching out to make a companionate connection with other people.

P.S. Ungrateful is optional and refutable. Your opening post does not feel ungrateful. Uncomfortable, yes... but not ungrateful.

I think too, I'd examine the idea of "getting out of a cycle" where a person has voluntarily extended a hand in friendship.

 

[rainbow1]

The next time he makes a delivery what about saying something along the lines of "thank you very much for all your lovely cooking but you might need to wait a few weeks/months before you make any more Rory and I just aren't getting a chance to use it all up and I would hate for it to go to waste"

I had a neighbour who used to make soup for me and leave it heated up in a saucepan at my door when she saw me coming home for my lunch! Lovely for a little while but then I was the same and didn't know how to stop it so ended up stopping coming home for my lunch for a while. Its awkward when you don't want to hurt someones feelings and good intentions.

 

[Lucycat]

Thank you @rainbow1 for your helpful suggestions. Your phrase sounds good - thanking, but please give me a break. yes, I like that. I truly would give it away if I could. I jokingly suggested that he start a soup kitchen, but the simple fact is here there is no need.

He has also left it hot, in the pan outside the door when he has come round and found no-one at home. I am scared to say I like something as I get it 3 days in a row. I don't like to say I don't like it, if I do - I have a problem with telling lies.even white ones.

At one point I even tried not giving his saucepan back straight away - thinking it might slow him up. But he just put the next batch into a tupperware tub for us.

I do invite him round here for meals sometimes, but I can only do that at weekends or holidays as during the working week our evening meal is far to late for his routine. I will cook a roast dinner or similar for him - something he is unlikely to do for one. He is repaying tenfold!

 

[Recovery4Me]

Perhaps, invited him over for a meal of his own making and let him know that you are so well supplied that you need to share with him some of his givings back. Maybe if he has offered so much food, a family meal with perhaps some hot rolls and a dessert would allow him the family time he misses.

Then, you could gently offer, you would like to use the wonderful supply up before anymore soup is made. You might like his company but I am sure he would cherish yours. He is possibly very lonely and trying to give as he can. Friendships are forged in the oddest of times as well as circumstances.