desiderata310
VIP Member
Sorry in advance for the vomit of a post.
not sure that this post will yeild anything of any value to me but I'll try. I've been hiding away for days now. Ever since H decided he was going to just push the limits with me and I exploded at work I have been avoiding everyone.
Yesterday the whole thing with therapy was just too much. I am just going to quit assuming that i am going to have a good day anymore because it doesnt happen. Grabbed a coffee and a little something to eat so I could take my medicine and enjoy the quiet before. As I rode up I saw a truck with no dew on the window and I tired to tell myself that they were somewhere else. ANYWHERE else. I rounded the corner and a worker was kneeling down and banging on the concrete. I bolted. Rode blindly for a bit before I found a office stoop that was shielded from the view of the street and sat down, started crying and texted my therapist. WHen I got a text back I did'nt bother checking it I just rode over. I was a mess but I thought maybe he would be able to stop it or I don't know what I thought . Just running blind. My therapist poked his head out and startled me, his pup came around the corner and I tried! I was near tears. My therapist was so freaking exhausted and exasperated. did I want to borrow his dog? Yes but I.. I couldn't stand being there I had to leave.. knowing that all that noise was about to start up.. the window open next door the look on my therapist's face, pet the dog.. nope just f*cking leave, back out.. my therapist was saying something.. Who knows .. I just know I've pissed him off .
Haven't journaled in days being over tired, slightly sick.. overwhelmed with my oldest being home and work and never coming back down from last week. I just want to hide away. Why does he want to engage in conversation so goddamn much? I don't really care to hear about his "adventures" in europe. I don't f*cking care. It's been years since I took a vacation. I don't care to hear about yours! f*ck off and get a job and get the f*ck out of my house.
Last week was too much and I tried to find a way to relax over the weekend but while I thought I had recovered I was still stirred up Monday when I went in.. I know I was thrown off by my therapist being sick. Just can't be helped but I fought with myself all day. what good is all of this? I'm not getting anywhere. I'm just worthless at this point. I can't run, I don't want to ride, I just want to hide away and cry all the time.
Monday was busy and I was grateful. I up rigged which is completely different for me. Away from everything and no need for ear plugs. Two folks and me upstairs but for some reason it made me think about suicide. Just full all I could think about. They engaged me in silly drivel and more philosphical talk about race. We worked together as a team and it helped. Good folks. Grateful to be working up there
When the full crew came Tuesday it was difficult. THe guys joke that they are all 7th graders and I'm the 8th grader. if that's the case then H is 2nd grader. He is still angry that I won't "facebook friend" him I don't f*cking facebook friend ANYONE here. I don't want people knowing about what I do. There are a couple of exceptions but for the most part I don't care to get to know anyone here. Most of the people who work in this industry are f*cking low lifes... some salt of the earth but too many like H, too many like my ex . H wanted to get a hug.. he had been hugging all the 'pretty girls' f*cking creeper. I smiled and backed away. As I walked away I heard N say something about how I don't like to be touched. Later H did that f*cking little "I'm not touching you" while making the Basket ball block move. We were in line at break. I just wanted a cup of coffee. I turned around "H, seriously man, leave me alone. I'm not in the mood." Then he reached out and poked me in the shoulder with his finger. I f*cking lost it. "listen motherf*cker I said to leave me the f*ck alone. Back the f*ck off right the f*ck now or I will knock the f*cking shit out of you, tear your head off and shit down your thoat."
I left I sat downstairs over an hour and cried. I'm going to get fired. Why did he have to f*ck with me like that? Why can't he just leave me the f*ck alone. Why do people just want to do shit like that?
Wednesday was hard. no sleep. Long day starting early. INterviewed 3 people came back and worked till 2:30am . Terrible crew. Lead of the visiting company tried to say that we stole her span set and was YELLING at me. "I dont' know what you guys here do but you better have NOT f*cking stole my equipment"
look lady, I haven't touched your equipment.I saw it on the floor where one of your crew left it about 30 mintues ago. I don't have any building equipment out here.we would get our stuff mixed up.
"You had better go look through your shit where ever you keep it and find my equipment"
It could happen. I knew that so I walked over to our equipment and checked. NOT THERE. no surprise. ONly Z and I were touching that stuff
She was going on about how we were a bunch of theives when I came back out WHO THE f*ck DID SHE THINK SHE WAS TALKING TO I DON"T f*ckING NEED HER SHIT I CAN BUY 20 OF THEM TOMORROW AND THEY WOULDN'T BE f*ckING COMPROMISED LIKE HER EQUIPMENT WAS! And BY THE f*ckING WAY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS f*ckING FACILITY HOW f*ckING DARE SHE!? JUST BECAUSE I WASNT WEARING DRESS CLOTHES f*ck YOU!
f*cking prick. didn't say a word when one of her people picked it up off the deck where it had been hiding under a box.
R Texting in the middle of all this saying he was stranded with 12 dollar and now way to get home. HE really thought I was going to drop everthing and drive 8 hours and to pick him up in the middle of the night! I had to buy a train ticket and he spent the night doing ... who knows what ..
Got home at 3 am couldn't sleep. Back up at 5took I up to school worked all day.
I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate this job and my life I hate all of it. I hate this state. I hate this f*cking little town in the middle of f*cking no where and it doesn't know how to do things right and if you try people get pissed off.
I can't get the courage up to call about a service dog. Maybe I don't deserve one.
f*ck this. f*ck all of this. I can't run. Maybe I can ride today.
not sure that this post will yeild anything of any value to me but I'll try. I've been hiding away for days now. Ever since H decided he was going to just push the limits with me and I exploded at work I have been avoiding everyone.
Yesterday the whole thing with therapy was just too much. I am just going to quit assuming that i am going to have a good day anymore because it doesnt happen. Grabbed a coffee and a little something to eat so I could take my medicine and enjoy the quiet before. As I rode up I saw a truck with no dew on the window and I tired to tell myself that they were somewhere else. ANYWHERE else. I rounded the corner and a worker was kneeling down and banging on the concrete. I bolted. Rode blindly for a bit before I found a office stoop that was shielded from the view of the street and sat down, started crying and texted my therapist. WHen I got a text back I did'nt bother checking it I just rode over. I was a mess but I thought maybe he would be able to stop it or I don't know what I thought . Just running blind. My therapist poked his head out and startled me, his pup came around the corner and I tried! I was near tears. My therapist was so freaking exhausted and exasperated. did I want to borrow his dog? Yes but I.. I couldn't stand being there I had to leave.. knowing that all that noise was about to start up.. the window open next door the look on my therapist's face, pet the dog.. nope just f*cking leave, back out.. my therapist was saying something.. Who knows .. I just know I've pissed him off .
Haven't journaled in days being over tired, slightly sick.. overwhelmed with my oldest being home and work and never coming back down from last week. I just want to hide away. Why does he want to engage in conversation so goddamn much? I don't really care to hear about his "adventures" in europe. I don't f*cking care. It's been years since I took a vacation. I don't care to hear about yours! f*ck off and get a job and get the f*ck out of my house.
Last week was too much and I tried to find a way to relax over the weekend but while I thought I had recovered I was still stirred up Monday when I went in.. I know I was thrown off by my therapist being sick. Just can't be helped but I fought with myself all day. what good is all of this? I'm not getting anywhere. I'm just worthless at this point. I can't run, I don't want to ride, I just want to hide away and cry all the time.
Monday was busy and I was grateful. I up rigged which is completely different for me. Away from everything and no need for ear plugs. Two folks and me upstairs but for some reason it made me think about suicide. Just full all I could think about. They engaged me in silly drivel and more philosphical talk about race. We worked together as a team and it helped. Good folks. Grateful to be working up there
When the full crew came Tuesday it was difficult. THe guys joke that they are all 7th graders and I'm the 8th grader. if that's the case then H is 2nd grader. He is still angry that I won't "facebook friend" him I don't f*cking facebook friend ANYONE here. I don't want people knowing about what I do. There are a couple of exceptions but for the most part I don't care to get to know anyone here. Most of the people who work in this industry are f*cking low lifes... some salt of the earth but too many like H, too many like my ex . H wanted to get a hug.. he had been hugging all the 'pretty girls' f*cking creeper. I smiled and backed away. As I walked away I heard N say something about how I don't like to be touched. Later H did that f*cking little "I'm not touching you" while making the Basket ball block move. We were in line at break. I just wanted a cup of coffee. I turned around "H, seriously man, leave me alone. I'm not in the mood." Then he reached out and poked me in the shoulder with his finger. I f*cking lost it. "listen motherf*cker I said to leave me the f*ck alone. Back the f*ck off right the f*ck now or I will knock the f*cking shit out of you, tear your head off and shit down your thoat."
I left I sat downstairs over an hour and cried. I'm going to get fired. Why did he have to f*ck with me like that? Why can't he just leave me the f*ck alone. Why do people just want to do shit like that?
Wednesday was hard. no sleep. Long day starting early. INterviewed 3 people came back and worked till 2:30am . Terrible crew. Lead of the visiting company tried to say that we stole her span set and was YELLING at me. "I dont' know what you guys here do but you better have NOT f*cking stole my equipment"
look lady, I haven't touched your equipment.I saw it on the floor where one of your crew left it about 30 mintues ago. I don't have any building equipment out here.we would get our stuff mixed up.
"You had better go look through your shit where ever you keep it and find my equipment"
It could happen. I knew that so I walked over to our equipment and checked. NOT THERE. no surprise. ONly Z and I were touching that stuff
She was going on about how we were a bunch of theives when I came back out WHO THE f*ck DID SHE THINK SHE WAS TALKING TO I DON"T f*ckING NEED HER SHIT I CAN BUY 20 OF THEM TOMORROW AND THEY WOULDN'T BE f*ckING COMPROMISED LIKE HER EQUIPMENT WAS! And BY THE f*ckING WAY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS f*ckING FACILITY HOW f*ckING DARE SHE!? JUST BECAUSE I WASNT WEARING DRESS CLOTHES f*ck YOU!
f*cking prick. didn't say a word when one of her people picked it up off the deck where it had been hiding under a box.
R Texting in the middle of all this saying he was stranded with 12 dollar and now way to get home. HE really thought I was going to drop everthing and drive 8 hours and to pick him up in the middle of the night! I had to buy a train ticket and he spent the night doing ... who knows what ..
Got home at 3 am couldn't sleep. Back up at 5took I up to school worked all day.
I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate this job and my life I hate all of it. I hate this state. I hate this f*cking little town in the middle of f*cking no where and it doesn't know how to do things right and if you try people get pissed off.
I can't get the courage up to call about a service dog. Maybe I don't deserve one.
f*ck this. f*ck all of this. I can't run. Maybe I can ride today.
