Oh Look... :cry:

[Kako no kage]

Well, as this is anonymous...

I'm male, have PTSD and obviously passed through a lot of trauma. I'm normally a member of this site but posting like this for deeper privacy reasons.

Now onto the point of this post.

At around age 9 I lost virginity to a boy around the same age, through anal sexual intercourse and similar... The things about that have been coming to my mind as memories more lately, so I'm a bit concerned...

I am not quite sure what to do about it... Will hope it (along with everything else that rose up as Christmas and more stress came in) calms soon. But till that hopeful moment, I'm hoping for aditional thoughts about that from fellow members of the website... Thank you for answers...

 

[Isad]

This couple fall under a few different categories... Normal sexual exploration & experimentation which is super common at that age, unintended abuse (one of you repeating acts that were done to you, part of why children are rarely if ever charged, because most adults understand kids not being super aware of their actions & repercussions), or outright abuse.

Do you have thoughts / feelings as to which?

 

[Kako no kage]

Well, the boy was from an abusive family... His father was an alcoholic and was beating all family members... He probably suffered sexual abuse, as I remember him describing his older brother's penis and similar...

I'm unsure what it would be, but he played out scenes that (probably) happened at his house, so it could be him trying to valve what happened in his family and thus repeating the acts...

I'm leaning towards it falling into 2nd category...

 

[Nolufe]

I'm leaning towards it falling into 2nd category...

You're probably right about that. Unless you're WAY younger than I am and the world has changed WAY more than I think it has, anal intercourse isn't something that's going to spontaneously spring into the mind of most 9 year olds. Kids that age would normally be curious about sex, and exploring their own body's and comparing and contrasting with others, But, what you're describing is a little different and you'd think the ideas came from somewhere, Somewhere else in his life. Depending on his earlier experiences, at that time he might have thought it was "normal" or he might have been trying to deal with his own trauma by traumatizing someone else.

I have some friends who are homosexual. The ones where we've talked about this have all said that, from an early age, they knew they were "different". Typically, their sexual experiences, the homosexual ones anyway, were delayed because of the "difference" they perceived and the need to connect with an appropriate partner.

I can see where this is the kind of memory that would, potentially anyway, eat at a person years down the road. If it's ok to ask, how did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? It's not something that makes you a "bad" person, you know. Actually, it doesn't really make him a "bad" person either, just a troubled one. It kind of makes me hope that he was smart enough and strong enough to seek out help one day too.

I'm with you, I hope the world will be easier to deal with, once Christmas is over! But, we still have to deal with "stuff", Just maybe not quite so MUCH stuff all at once!

 

[Kako no kage]

Well, it lasted for a year or so... And as I see myself now, I'm not homosexual... I'm heterosexual with some smaller sides leaning towards that side... Anyway...

From what I know he probably thought it was normal... Onto how I thought of it back then and similar... Back then I don't quite remember, I was quite an unhoused mind, searching for anything friend like due to how abandoned I was, so I thought it was normal mostly... After a while I completely ceased any contact with him and didn't see him at all. Since then there wasn't any such irregular sexual intercourse...

I don't know if he seeked out help ever, but I believe he didn't...

 

[Sojak]

I am not quite sure what to do about it...

If you have a therapist, then discuss with him. This would be far better out in the open so that you can openly discuss how it has affected you. I do not see this as normal childhood experimentation. Not aged 9. To me it cries out that the boy who abused you is also in need of help as he is likely to be the victim of abuse himself.You should not have to deal with this memory alone. The thoughts and feelings that go with it need to be dealt with so that the memory loses its hold over you. It can be done - but not alone. You need a good therapist that you trust . I wish you peace - I am guessing there must be a reason this has come to the fore at Christmas?

 

[Kako no kage]

Well, it lasted over a year... I'm unsure about some stuff, but christmass isn't a nice time for me... Theraphy isn't really a thing I'm getting after that rage with last theraphist... Christmass is a time that seems to be a stress magnification device... Sparking around last few weeks... I'm not even sure if it's trauma to me... I don't clearly remember it, it's just been jumping onto my mind... Confused...

 

[Wajav]

Many of the people who end up as abuse victims start out with feelings like abandonment; That makes you extra vulnerable. We wired to want love and companionship. When you can't find it where you should be able to, like with your family, the craving for some kind of attachment makes you vulnerable to people who want to use you for their own needs. Kind of "anything is better than nothing."

I agree, you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. A good therapist can help you sort through it and make sense of it. They aren't all good, for sure. We can try to help you, as best we can, but a regular therapist can get to know you and your situation better than we can, and will have knowledge that we don't have to help you process all this.

Christmass is a time that seems to be a stress magnification device...

Boy is that the truth!

 

[Mipoc]

I think at age nine, you were not capable to process these events. So now, at an older age, you are getting to it. I urge you to explore your feelings on it. Write it down, talk with someone you trust, paint/draw while thinking about it. It might not be as traumatic as you might think. Or maybe it was. It depends if you had some control and if fear was involved.

You seem to know exactly who you are sexually and that may be the reason this has come to the forefront to be processed. It's unfinished business.

During my sessions with my therapists, many things came up to be dealt with. Many had nothing to do with my trauma. It's your brain cleaning up what it can.

 

[Kako no kage]

I will try what you suggested. Thank you for the advice. I am not feeling confident to reveal it to anyone... My original plan was to take it to the grave, and it took me quite a few hours to be able to post this... I might drink a bit and then reveal it to her, or I might just spend the rest of my life keeping it a secret from anyone who knows me... Or, as another option, I could take some time to calm down for deciding.

 

[Pofole]

Is "her" your partner or your therapist?

If she is your therapist, she will be ready to listen when you are ready to tell her.

I'm male, bi but monogamous, and only go for long term relationships. If it is any reassurance or help, I've generally had good luck being open about my past with my long term partners - generally - one told me she was also bi, had had a long term girlfriend and had a bit of a fetish for the thought of two young males together. Hmmmm.

but, I did have one long term girlfriend (almost 30 years ago now) who freaked out and wouldn't speak to me for a couple of weeks, I also have friends (both gay and straight) who have had insecure/posessive partners who freaked out with them more recently. none of us actually got dumped for being open about what had happened in our pasts.

 

[Cogov]

I can relate only in that I was abused by a female adult at a young age and it has left me feeling pretty weird all my life and a bit confused at times. I am now married and have a kid. I have always identified as a heterosexual and only had male/female relationships, but in the back of my mind have always had this lurking and it is confusing. I told my T in a letter. He was kind about it, but we never discussed specifics. I am not sure that I could, but it is something I still feel shame about because of the nature of how it came about. It wasn't solely just her involved and it involved a male as well so it feels VERY dirty and shameful.
I feel for you in trying to figure this out. I can only tell you that at age 9, you simply aren't old enough to make those choices. It was abuse and at some point you should share this with a professional. I personally wouldn't share it with my partner until I had processed it with a therapist. I say this only because my husband doesn't have the tools to deal with this and it wouldn't be fair to expect him to know how to deal with it correctly. Your partner could be totally different. There is a stigma you lay on yourself after such experiences and they take a lifetime to shed sometimes. It's not easy, but know that you aren't alone. I am sorry it happened. :(