Trouble Expressing Wants And Needs?

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember when I realized that I did not know what my needs and wants were and that was such a challenge for me to learn about what I needed and wanted. Now I know myself better I can ask about my needs and wants from others within reason and with sensitivity. I wish you the best with this problem because it is so vital to a relationship.

Also as an aside, make sure that somehow you find a way to meet your own needs and wants. Wishing you much success.

 

[ms spock]

If I had a want and expressed it then my mother knew how to 'take away' from me. If I smiled or laughed, it was taken away from me. If a light shone in my eye over something, that something would strangely disappear. What reason would I ever have had then to show or acknowledge my joy of things?

Deciding that liking nothing was better than liking something and having it taken away by the very people who were meant to share in my joy.

This is why I have trouble letting myself know my own needs and wants. It is a relief that someone else understands.

 

[IrisL]

What's the problem with our decision making? Is it because we think to if we were again in that situation we would do something different? That's true we would - we grown up - a lots of water went down in the rivers... Why we can't accept that's not here? It's not our present?
Personally I'm having problem if I know the things by idea why I can't react on it? Why the hell I have to make a life and death panic on the most simplest things???
Triggers, situation or when my "partner" says things what I'm doing wrong - I feel like he is accusing me and attacking me- which time to time is blocking and makes me panic.even when I know it isn't the reality, but I'm taking it on my own bubble way.
And say everything around the topic except what was at the first time and is could be really turning of for the other - jumping around, dragging back things... But usually if he is cooperate - he let me knows I'm jumping around - and how he says that im realising im not even sure what was the point,what I wanted to say and neither sure whit what was which started the conversation...only remember it's important to answer it and I want to answer for it, but unable to do... And feel myself shamed...I think quite hard to talk with a person who you really feel for and important to you...but it's not means there isn't the will and impossible - if you try to start to talk I think is already there just need to get your gaps to how to get over with your own limitation and with that the supporter probably can help.
And the key probably relax - is not a death life question how we are living it.but to how to do don't ask... Learn what ever is there.

 

[ms spock]

Why the hell I have to make a life and death panic on the most simplest things???

I do this too, unfortunately.

 

[scout86]

I think with my guy it's more a case

Have you actually talked to him about this? I was just sitting here wondering what other people think when I respond with "I don't know" or "Doesn't matter to me". I actually have no idea what they think.

If I say "I don't know" it pretty much means that I don't know. If I say "It doesn't matter to me" what I guess that means is, even if I have an opinion, it doesn't matter all that much.

I know this shouldn't be all that complicated. I just want to make sure, if you think you know what he's thinking, you've got something solid to base the opinion on. It's easy to make assumptions about what's going on in someone else's head.

I'm glad to hear it's getting better! What do you think is making a difference?

 

[shimmerz]

I think with my guy it's more a case that he does actually know what he wants, but it's like he doesn't feel comfortable in being forthright about it.

Maybe you feel this way because you have no frame of reference for his filter and he has yet to be able to know himself why he can't express himself. I mean, all of us sufferers are chiming in that we too feel this way and it is painful for us. What kind of life is it without choices? It is difficult for any of us to live amongst people who overlay their opinions of how we 'should feel' with our actual feelings. It causes shame and all sorts of hurtful things. It actually makes the problem worse. It is possible that you are correct and he does know (although I would challenge that) but if he doesn't feel comfortable being forthright, that is a huge issue that can't just be willed away.

A quick story. When my beloved was 'courting' me 2 years ago, I received a call from him while I was in a store. He knew about my PTSD because we had been friends for years. Anyways, he said to me 'this time YOU decide what to do this afternoon'. I froze in the middle of the aisle. My head spun about. I couldn't stop it. Literally frozen. He noticed I couldn't speak and backtracked and said 'no, no, it's okay. How about a tea room on 'such and such street'. He rolled with it and trusted that my reaction was authentic. He didn't understand it but he always respected it. Because he trusted me I learned to trust myself and started to make decisions.

Then of course he gave me the choice to go to California when he was relocating for his work, I had enough confidence by then in my decisions that I say YES. I will never forget the sense of adventure. I actually texted him as I was driving out there the words 'I AM SO EXCITED!!!!' I recognized that it had been years since I had expressed that, let alone felt it. But I was!

3 weeks later with a wave of a hand and a laugh, he took that away from me, thoughtlessly, cruelly, leaving me in a dire situation. More dire than I was in when I hooked up with him.

Now what are the chances that I will allow myself to be exited again? Human nature (not just PTSD) dictates the chances are slim to none.

 

[Wastinglight]

I know this shouldn't be all that complicated. I just want to make sure, if you think you know what he's thinking, you've got something solid to base the opinion on. It's easy to make assumptions about what's going on in someone else's head.

Yep, I hear you. And of course you're right - I can't be 100% certain what he's thinking. Although there are times where I'm pretty sure that he knows what he wants, because he sort-of makes suggestions, in a roundabout kind of way, and when I say I'm fine with whatever he decides, he finds it easy enough to say what he wants. It's almost like he feels like it's the 'right' thing to do, to defer to me first or something. I'm almost like a ritual we go through. He makes his sort-of suggestion, I say I'm fine if he decides, and then he immediately makes a decision.

But it's not always like that. The conversations we have about more intimate stuff are the ones that made me feel a bit sad and even a little unloved sometimes. We often have conversations where he pretty much refuses to tell me how he feels/wants (about me, usually). So I will say "Do you want me to come around tomorrow night?" And he'll say "If you want." And I'll say "Yeah, but do YOU want?" And he'll say "It's up to you." He just deflects. He has never EVER said that he wants me to come round. It kills me that I have never heard him say "I want to see you tonight". Or anything of the sort.

From all the responses I've received, I can see this is a very common issue, and very difficult to overcome. It's been really great to get a deeper perspective on this, but it's still a bit hard to accept sometimes.

I'm glad to hear it's getting better! What do you think is making a difference?

I'm not really sure. I would like to think that it's because I have finally managed to convince him that I really do love and accept him for who he is. I can go some way to understanding his caution, but it still hurts that he seems to be holding back.

I was very happy and then very sad as I read your story @shimmerz. I agree that it's more human nature than PTSD, because I have some pretty big trust issues too, and every day I struggle with trusting my guy - even though he hasn't done anything 'wrong'. I tell my T about all the stuff that goes on in my relationship, and she says that he hasn't given me any reason to distrust him. It just feels so 'unsafe' to make yourself vulnerable after someone has betrayed you.

If my guy is experiencing the same issues that many of you have, I can only hope that one day he will feel safe enough, and trust me enough, that he will feel comfortable to perhaps say some of the things I have been dying to hear from him.

 

[shimmerz]

"I want to see you tonight".

Just a thought, but if I was to say such a thing it would be as if I was a rabbit exposing its underbelly to a fox. Because in my world you might look like a rabbit, smell like a rabbit, feel like a rabbit, but deep down inside I know there is an inner fox just waiting to be released. And that will happen the very first time I roll over.

So sad really. I can't speak for everyone obviously. Just a thought.

 

[Wastinglight]

Just a thought, but if I was to say such a thing it would be as if I was a rabbit exposing its underbelly to a fox. Because in my world you might look like a rabbit, smell like a rabbit, feel like a rabbit, but deep down inside I know there is an inner fox just waiting to be released. And that will happen the very first time I roll over.

Okay, I can see what you're saying here. I like that imagery. And I can relate to it. I wouldn't be surprised if he related to it as well - that's what I think he was getting at with his comment about being cautious.

When I explore my feelings on the matter, I guess I feel upset sometimes because I feel like I have made a massive effort to 'go all in' with this relationship, and try to act with an open heart and trust him as much as I can (because so far, he has deserved that trust). It took so much courage to do this, and it still scares the living sh*t out of me to be putting myself out there like this. And because he doesn't appear to have done likewise, I feel hurt. Like, am I not worth it or something (which is not a very fair thing to think, I know, but I still think it).

But I have to remind myself that
a) my moderate GAD is not a patch on his PTSD, social anxiety, panic disorder
b) we have both made so much progress - in our recovery AND in this relationship. It's important to take stock of that.
c) I need to give it TIME, and continue to be consistent in my behaviour, continue to show him my love and trust.

 

[shimmerz]

It took so much courage to do this, and it still scares the living sh*t out of me to be putting myself out there like this

Yes, and I feel like we know this and want to respond appropriately to it because we know how it feels to give it all we have and not be recognized for it. Therein comes the shame.....

It is so lovely that you care so much to be displaying your underbelly. Perhaps one day your partner can follow your lead. I honour your willingness to love with all you have despite it all. :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

Yes, and I feel like we know this and want to respond appropriately to it because we know how it feels to give it all we have and not be recognized for it. Therein comes the shame.....

Wow, okay! That was a lightbulb moment right there. I think I'm starting to understand. A bit. ;)

It is so lovely that you care so much to be displaying your underbelly. Perhaps one day your partner can follow your lead. I honour your willingness to love with all you have despite it all.

Thank you. This means a lot. I honestly feel like this is the hardest thing I have ever hard to do. Hence my tagline at the moment - so hard to stick it out when sometimes I feel like I want to cut and run because I'm' scared.

But he's worth it. Because I thought it through and decided that, even if it all falls to sh*t, I will know that I gave it everything I had.

Thank you again. :hug:

 

[IrisL]

There is a phrase again ... How you can expect the other to give you something what you are unable or not willing to give.
I think it's quite fair... But still there the hurt and the pain.
How you can be sure the other person hasn't have any risk to get hurt? I think we already hurting the other because we can't trust fully in the other. Because the whatever happened with us. We reacting to a new person who is your present now and can be your future with an ugly disgusting persons who was your past. Projecting the fear from the past to the present.
I think if we recognise that and trying to control it, realise who is in front of us we can be whole in front of the loved one.we know the present person wouldn't do what the past person did...
We fear of the situation because we expect to will happen again, perhaps...we have to admit and see it will NOT happen again.

I feel sometimes I have to fight with my brain constantly.

And mainly!!! We survived the past situation- I think we are way stronger then any other person - so even our fear isn't exactly real, when we are living our own lie out - because we are too afraid to living the present- and playing the game "what if" ... The past is past how ever is so bad, but we have to recognised that in ourselves to when ever we are reacting by that - literally with the conscious brain take it a apart the unconscious one(cut it- as much as possible)because that's the idiot part of us,
that's which keeps the memories and telling to us "watch out you will get hurt, is simikiar like that one.."
And we are believing in the unconscious brain bulls•*t...
I think our unconscious brain can shut up and let us to live our life. So we need to fight with it.


Hope it's not sounds idiot for you guys. ^.^

Hugs