Pretty Bad Flashback-type(?) Event In Front Of My Children

[Nothing]

Yesterday my son ran into a stick he was running with (I've told him not to do so many times but ay 7 year olds are apt to ignore you and think you are talking crazy when you say they could seriously hurt themselves.

I was in the kitchen, heard him scream, ran outside, saw him stumbling and clutching his chest, he didn't look right, I grabbed him and asked what happened, he just kept screaming, I asked again and again until I was yelling, he started falling as I got him inside and then he fainted.

Everything got a bit fuzzy, splotchy, ummm I don't really know how to explain it. I remember lifting his shirt and seeing the round red mark on his chest, his body flopped back on the floor, I grabbed him and I started screaming.

I was back home. I was holding my dead siblings, I was holding one of my surviving brothers after my father ran him over with the car (on purpose) and I was reliving a lot of different memories in what seemed at the time all at once. I kept screaming. I saw my son's face, my partner's face close up to mine, telling me he was fine, he was fine, he was fine, and I saw my son was awake, but I couldn't stop screaming. The memories kept hitting me. I was THERE. Back then. At some point my daughter wrapped her arms around me, but I barely remember it.

I only had fragments of what was actually happening, most of what I saw was back then. I heard nothing although I know my partner said my son was fine. My son apparently asked me why I was screaming, I did not hear that or see him say it, i remember looking at him and his eyes looked confused. At the end of it all, I finally saw that he was awake (which apparently he had been for some time) and still I screamed at my partner to get an ambulance, to get an ambulance, he's going to die, he's going to die, he's going to die, my baby, my baby, he's going to die.

And then I cried, sat back away from him and cried and cried and cried. I didn't believe that he was fine. I had seen him die, or rather I had seen my dead sibling's faces and bodies flopped and my father refusing to get medical help. It took a lot of reassurance and my son actually getting up and walking around for me to finally realize that indeed he wasn't in as bad a condition as I'd thought. And then I ended up dissociating the rest of the evening.

I'm so embarrassed. I feel like an absolute loony. I worry for my children that I had such a reaction. My partner says he knew I was having a flashback because of how I was completely out of touch with reality and acting completely over-the-top for the situation. I feel so embarrassed writing this here. I probably am the only crazy mother in the world (haha).

I worry they will grow up scarred because of me having flashbacks. This is the worst one I've had in awhile, I'm more apt to dissociate though which I actually prefer because I'm a bit like a zombie (to other people) when I dissociate (others think I seem distracted) albeit a zombie who can cross an entire town with no recollection of buying a dozen different items I would never use and a zombie who dissociates at different levels so I never know when I'm going to "come to" and be able to know what is going on or just keep functioning without having access to my own brain (blackouts, numbness over half of body or all of body, floating in the sky, seeing myself in third person, being only partially disconnected), as this is just crazy. I had to go apologise to my kids and explain what actually happened. I had to explain to my partner what I had seen. I am so humiliated, my last majour-ptsd-event (as in really bad and humiliating for everyone else to see - no wonder I hate leaving my house!) was a couple of weeks ago at home and before that a couple of years ago a horribly humiliating one which landed me in hospital.

I can't understand how I can get so far with things (been working really hard through exposure therapy) and yet my life is still full of these massive pot-holes I can fall into without even being able to predict when I'm going to fall into one. I don't want my children to have to see me like that.

I seriously considered running away last night. My children deserve a better/saner mother than me. I'm so depressed and don't know how I can keep doing this. I have been fighting it wfor so long, even before I knew it had a name. I feel like I am one of those people who shouldn't even have children. If I had realized I would be like this today, I certainly wouldn't have had children but back when I had my first child I dissociated so much of every day I didn't have much awareness and hadn't been diagnosed yet (hadn't seen a psychiatrist at that point though I really needed to see one). I fight every day to try to keep things under control and try to manage things so if I'm feeling my stress levels building I can escape and let them lower (which isn't always possible when you have young children). I am working hard with dealing with it all, even when I think it's pointless and that I'm going to be stuck with this for the rest of my life.

For those of you with children, how do you deal with things? How have you managed to minimize their exposure to the more scary ptsd symptoms?

 

[Friday]

- Kids accept the blame for anything... So I very clearly lay out their own fault in what happened.

Ex) You were super brave, and very strong, and did the exact. right. thing. when mommy was ________. You did this, and this, and that. And that was awesome. I am so very proud of you. Big hug. High five. Okay, now what was it you did again? Yep. Yep. Remember the last one? It was Z. You did XYZ. And that was stellar. Great choices, boyo.


- Kids are generally more creative than adults (The classic Paperclip Test; adults can generally think of 10-20 uses for a paperclip. A child can generally think of over 200 uses for a paperclip. Because their brains will imagine a paperclip 3 miles long made of rubber for spaceships to dock at, as well as one smaller than a cell used to make invisible stitches... Otherwise known as... Kids. Are. Awesome.). So I try to nix that creativity by giving them concrete things to understand. By age level.

Ex Younger) Sometimes, mommy has nightmares while she's awake. They aren't real. But you know how scary and how real nightmares feel, right? Yah. So it's a really good thing it's not like a cold!!! You can't catch these nightmares. So your nightmares will stay safe in bed while you sleep! You're lucky! I wanna be more like you! Boo! Down with nightmares! Stay where you belong, stupid nightmares! You don't need to scare two people! ((The idea being... Put the flashback in terms they can understand, make sure they know that they can't catch them / nix the monkey see monkey do aspect...and make them feel safe all in one go.)) Because without an explanation... Kids make up the darnedest things in order to explain it to themselves!


- You don't have to lie, but you don't have to run around shouting the truth, either. While I'm a big fan of nixing creativity and assigning blame ;) by being clear in what they should focus on (brave, and helpful, and smart... Instead of afraid, and helpless, and I'm-stupid-I-hurt-mommy-by-scaring-her-all-my-fault-I-should-have-listened-and-not-run-with-the-stick-everything-bad-is-my-fault)... I'm also a fan of lying like a rug when the situation is beyond their years, or quite frankly, none of their business.

Ex) When my son would ask me what I do after he goes to bed I don't say "I have mind blowing sex with daddy" and give him all the gory details on how to perform fellatio, or the number of orgasms had. I do the same thing with PTSD stuff. I might say I need to take a timeout (grounding, grounding, over the ocean blue). Or I might get him super jazzed about getting to go on an adventure with his grandparents (because I'm going to spend the weekend shaking and puking and wanting to die). Or I might declare a movie marathon & build blanket forts and order pizza, (because there is no way in hail I can do anything other than lay down, today, but we aren't yet at the point of needing to call in reinforcements for a swift extraction of zeh kiddo before mom checks out of sanity-land). I tell him the stuff that relates to him. Not the whole truth.

 

[gone]

Hello @Nothing, I'm sorry to hear of your frightening, horrible day. It sounds genuinely terrifying, the fear you were in for your beloved son.

I don't have children so I can't comment on how to cope. But I just wanted to say that I admire you for coming back from that ghastly place you went to, for loving your children as much as you obviously do, for thinking of them in the midst of your own pain. You're brave and loving.

And @FridayJones seems to have an excellent strategy for dealing, complete with intense clinical trials.

 

[Nam]

For those of you with children, how do you deal with things? How have you managed to minimize their exposure to the more scary ptsd symptoms?

I'm not much help here even though I have four kids. I want to hide this from them for as long as I can. I'm vague about my appointments, and how I'm feeling. I've cried out only a few times. Mostly, I get spacey.

Since you've had this flashback and it was witnessed, I think you'll need a sit down. You will explain in simple terms how this happens. Have your husband help you. Because if you're like me, the words just don't come easily when I'm anxious. And tell them over and over that it's not their fault.

I'm wishing you calm peace ahead. Please take care.

 

[joeylittle]

I seriously considered running away last night. My children deserve a better/saner mother than me. I'm so Link Removed and don't know how I can keep doing this. I have been fighting it wfor so long, even before I knew it had a name. I feel like I am one of those people who shouldn't even have children.

Usually, people who can say of themselves "I think I'm frightening my children" are people who are really OK to be parenting. I think you're doing that, and so (for what it's worth), I don't think you need to beat yourself up about this.

Kids are very, very smart and very, very flexible. The only mistake you could make is not sitting down with them and telling them what happened. They probably were scared and confused, emphasis on confused - meaning they would like to understand what happened. You need to help them understand. And then they will.

Whatever language you use with them to talk about scary things: if they know what bad dreams are, that's the best analogy. That when you saw him hurt, it was suddenly just like you were in a bad dream and couldn't wake up. This can help them understand ways to help you - that you need help "waking up", but that you are only having a bad dream and you are OK.

If they don't have ways of talking about bad dreams with you, I'm sure there's another analogy, probably to do with memory and scary things. Use an example of how each of them have been frightened by remembering something, and help them recall how strong a memory can be. Then equate that to you having a memory of either a bad dream or, if you can talk about it, the surface of what really happened - that you had a memory of your sibling being hurt.

Either way, they really will understand. You aren't harming them by teaching them these things. You are actually helping them learn to be empathetic. Learning empathy starts with developing a cognitive awareness that other people experience pain; kids are usually working that one out between 5-8 years old. First, through physical pain, and then through emotional. Really, this is right in their wheelhouse.

 

[darrenS]

please dont run away or even feel bad, after what you have been through it would be seen as entirely normal in such a situation. I have had a flashback with my son over a different set of issues and ended up breaking down in front of him and yes like you , i felt ashamed , guilty and deeply embarrassed. I also had the same reaction of thinking they could do better with another dad etc and didnt need my issues ...i still struggle with it , but then when i isolate they contact me and let me know in no uncertain terms that im loved and cherished. They come over each weekend and we have a blast -Its amazing what kids do understand and how open they are. I put both my kids into therapy as i know my illness is not easy to live with and i dont want them picking up issues of their own due to my behaviour and its an illness that cannot be hidden , so id much rather they had an independent outlet where they can express what they feel and learn about it on their time in a safe environment - - since i have done this there has been a huge change in our relationships and my children understand somewhat what is going on and in some simple ways help me greatly on my road to a hopeful recovery

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm feeling for you, @Nothing. You are not a bad parent, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. PTSD is an injury/illness, and the flashback is a symptom. Yes, very scary for children, but not so different from screaming in pain from a broken limb or being completely knocked out of commission from high fever. None of it makes you a bad mother. My children are older (13 and 18), and my really obvious PTSD stuff only hit a little over a year ago so I didn't have the challenges of explaining to younger kids. There are some books for kids about PTSD, and some therapists will meet with children (mine has offered). I've explained some things to my kids, but it is hard because they ask lots of pointed questions, and one of the people who is central to all my issues is in our lives regularly and I'd like to avoid poisoning their relationship with her. Like all of us, it's a complicated dance we do trying to manage our lives!

I think what @FridayJones explained is perfect. (Thank you FridayJones!)

I can't understand how I can get so far with things (been working really hard through Link Removed) and yet my life is still full of these massive pot-holes I can fall into without even being able to predict when I'm going to fall into one. I don't want my children to have to see me like that.

I just wanted to respond to this. I know you didn't ask specifically for input on this, but it struck me how frustrated you are that this happened in spite of all your hard work. The current research indicates that exposure therapy is not particularly effective for processing trauma, especially early trauma. See Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score:
"Research in contemporary exposure treatment, a staple of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, has similarly disappointing results. The majority of patients treated with that method continue to have serious PTSD symptoms three months after the end of treatment" (p. 194).

"...posttraumatic stress is the result of a fundamental reorganization of the central nervous system based on having experienced and actual threat of annihilation, (or seeing someone else being annihilated), which reorganizes self experience (as helpless) and the interpretation of reality (the entire world is a dangerous place).

During exposure patients initially become extremely upset. As they revisit the traumatic experience, they show sharp increases in their heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormones. But if they manage to stay with the treatment and keep reliving their trauma, they slowly become less reactive and less prone to disintegrate when they recall the event. As a result, they get lower scores on their PTSD ratings. However, as far as we know, simply exposing someone to the old trauma does not integrate the memory into the overall context of their lives, and it rarely restores them to the level of joyful engagement with people and pursuits they had prior to the trauma.

In contrast, EMDR, as well as the treatments discussed in subsequent chapters--internal family systems, yoga, neurofeedback, psychomotor therapy, and theatre--focus not only on regluating the intense memories activated by trauma but also on restoring a sense of agency, engagement, and commitment through ownership of body and mind" (p. 256).