Tried Joining A Dating Site But Ended Up Deleting It...

[J_trustno1]

So after the disastrous party last week (Saturday) for my friend's farewell party, I ended up reading writing a thread here. I was also reading blogs else where about people who are asked most ruthless questions at couples party only because they are the only ones who are single. I was quite upset about the questions I was asked at the party so I decided to read other blogs and discovered a dating site which I never knew about.

However, internally I was not really comfortable with the idea of using a dating site because it feels a bit to desperate looking for love on the internet. And I have had horrible experience in the past with internet love where I met someone on a social networking site (Note: it was not a dating site) who fooled me for 2 years and in the end I discovered he already had a girlfriend.

Moving on, I was getting guys sending me messages and some of them were only after one thing and I felt quite uncomfortable with the entire idea of finding love from the internet when I am not even ready for it. I did realise that I don't want to meet someone too early ad that too from the internet. This also raised some personal questions within me about relationships. These questions being:

1) Will I ever be ready for a relationship?
2) Am I willing to let some guy actually have sex with me in the near future? Lets say after knowing him for a couple of years?

Whenever I asked those questions to myself, the only answers I was getting were big fat NO. I feel disgusted by the entire sex thing. It's not that I don't want a relationship but sex is something that actually disgusts me. Ever since I have reached puberty and learned about human reproduction in school I have been grossed out about sex. I am 27 now and I am still seeing sex as something a teen would react to and calling it disgusting. It's not that I don't want a companion but I have trouble letting someone near me. In my last relationship which was only 4 days long, I couldn't let this guy even hug me because this entire physical contact was ringing alarm bells in my head that I am in risk and I need to be aware.

I have been told that guys have a threshold to how much they can abstain from sexual intimacy and if you as his partner is not willing to give it to him then your relationship is about to be doomed. I know all this stuff but I feel damaged and never being able to let anyone near me. I do want someone but at the same time I can't let my guards down.

So let's go back to that dating site. I was getting requests and with each message I was telling them that I am not looking for a relationship and they asked "why are you here if you are not looking for one". I was totally blanked out and didn't know why I was there. I felt that I joined that site out of an impulse and acted out of desperation to land on that site. I was feeling guilty and disgraceful for joining such site because "decent girls don't go hunting for men " (i.e. phrase I heard from childhood in my family). I couldn't forgive myself for joining that site. As a result I ended up deleting my id on that site and still having trouble forgiving myself for it.

I feel very helpless when it comes to relationships. I can't even make the first step then how will I have a relationship. I know that I have some major issues when it comes to relationships, intimacy and trust yet it is almost impossible for me to resolve these issues.

Any suggestions on this post would be great. Thank you for reading this thread and I am sorry for acting too needy :(

 

[Friday]

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I have been told that guys have a threshold to how much they can abstain from sexual intimacy and if you as his partner is not willing to give it to him then your relationship is about to be doomed. I know all this stuff but I feel damaged and never being able to let anyone near me. I do want someone but at the same time I can't let my guards down.

What you've been told is only partly true.

Humans have thresholds... And in relationships many things are negotiated to see if people "line up" in many ways, one of which is sex.

Men in general tend to have higher libidos than women... But
- many men have lower libidos than women in general
- many women have higher libidos than men in general
- And everything in between.

It's a double bell curve. The majority of men & minority of women have high sex drives, while the majority of women & the minority of men have lower sex drives. Generally people try to line that up right along with morals, where they live, what kind of lifestyle they work towards, etc.

There have always been 'companionate marriages'. Aka the agreement between the spouses is zip, zero, nada, zilch for sex. For a whole host of reasons (gay, asexual, illness or injury, trauma issues, contractual, etc.).

Ideally people's sexual wants/needs/desires are discussed prior to marriage. Whether it's finding out first hand, or especially in the case of some religions which don't support sex outside of marriage, talking it out. Few couples line up exactly. There's usually one partner who is a little bit more keen than the other, but wild differences rarely work in the long term. The once a day person & the once a month person are generally going to have issues. Regardless of who is the person on one end of the spectrum, and who is on the other. (Stats aside, I know a lot of women who married men with lower sex drives than they do. Same problems as when the genders are reversed.) Because it's not something you suffer through/get over... Unless your partner is a boor &/or total idiot (aka doesn't care how much fun you're having, or only pays attention to how much fun they're having). It's something shared between people.

To know, also, the top 4 libido-killers are
- Sleep Dep
- Depression
- Antidepressants (not all, but many cause lowered sex drive to impotence)
- Certain kinds of physical stress (hormonal imbalances for example is common, and dieting is another common one people don't think about)

Sound familiar? They usually try & get this list out to new parents to know that, no, their haven't just withered up and died... Some sleep, some happy days, some reduced stress, and voila. Their sex drive will return. But this list is also super applicable to trauma & PTSD even without triggers & stressors mucking things about even further.

So as you deal with your trauma-stuff, you may very well find your libido shifting. Or may not. Regardless... Yes. There are people out there who will want sex roughly the same way (including not at all / companionate marriage) as you do. And no, you aren't doomed to an unhappy marriage with whatever your sex drive is, unless you bait & switch / flat out lie to someone with a different sex drive that your needs line up. But lying to manipulate your partner into doing something they wouldn't otherwise do almost always spells disaster in a marriage. Lies can only be maintained for so long.

 

[shimmerz]

why are you here if you are not looking for one

I was out with a single friend one night (I was married and had three little ones at home). Some guy comes up to me (we were in a music lounge on a weekend night), asks me if I want to dance. I tell him I am married and have kids. He freaks on me. I am wasting his time, I have no right to be there, on and on and on. Idiot. Honey, you can go anywhere you feel like it and nobody has the right to tell you not to be there.

decent girls don't go hunting for men

Yes, I got this all of the time. It was the Catholic indoctrination thing. My mother was brutal with it. A script that I haven't gotten to yet. Oh, and by the way, decent girls DO go hunting for men. Know why? Because if they don't and instead are just passive in the quest, then they end up with guys like the idiot mentioned above. You have every right to go hunting for a man. He may well be the father of your children one day and your children deserve only the best.

As far as the sex thing goes, if there is a man out there for you, and you search for him, and if he loves you, he will help you through your issues. He will be patient and loving and compassionate. THAT is the man that you want. I think the internet thing just sets women up for men who want to rush and be superficial, if women let them, and many do. Take your time and looking for quality.

 

[illusionist]

I think you need to concentrate on dealing with the root problems before you even try to find a relationship atm....advice from an old woman ha
My first husband ( my first boyfriend) and I did not have sex until dating for a year....even after all that waiting and trust etc I broke down in tears. I learned to numb myself from feeling and sex was something that had to be done to keep him happy. We split up and I went down roads in search of finding fulfilment....Yes I even slept with a woman, thinking I was a lesbian..but no..sooo not me. Fast forward, I spent years on my own, worked on myself and now I have a high sex drive...how I hate that expression as sex is more that just sex. I met my partner on a dating site and found it useful as we met through their forum, allowing me to see sides of him before meeting. You are young, you know what problems you have...don't block it, sort it and the rest will follow naturally.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Am I willing to let some guy actually have sex with me in the near future? Lets say after knowing him for a couple of years?

Actually I respect you for figuring this out immediately. I don't think it's weird or needy that you signed up for the dating site anyway. It's totally okay to need human contact or somebody near to you, and you are not the only one I've seen online who doesn't want sex. There's people on the dating site where I am, who describe themselves as not wanting sex, but they still want a relationship. Other people are just looking for friends.

You are not rare. Or needy. Or weird. On a dating site, it is generally a good thing to be clear on what you want Straight Away and not respond to any dumb inquiries. A lot of people put on their profile what they are looking for. So if you are feeling confident, you could set up a new profile and tell people what you are looking for. Don't doubt yourself while you write it and remember that you are not alone in this.

You could also specify what you are Not looking for, if you feel like they don't get it. It's easy to do that in a friendly manner and then just stay away from the ones that are poking you with annoying comments like "why not" or "why are you here".

 

[J_trustno1]

Thank you ladies for your replies. Sorry for replying late because I was trying to really understand my situation and write my views clearly. Therefore I had to take some time to come back to my thread.

@FridayJones : Your advice is always wonderful. Thank for always answering my threads open heartedly. I really appreciate your views. I have a very scattered view about sex. I see it with disgust. It's not that I don't want anything to happen but I feel that my response is so much related to my childhood sexual abuse even though there was no sex involved and other men who treated me like doormat (i.e. father and mum's brother). I see sex as a really big favor on my behalf to my partner and I feel that I will be the only one giving away my body and my soul to my partner on the name of sex while not getting anything in return. I see men only in terms of abusers (i.e. pedophiles, rapists, or psychopaths) who are only there to use women while I am being this emotionless sex doll. I know that it is not true but that is how I see sex as. I see it very dirty :(.

@shimmerz : Thanks for always answering on my posts and giving me great feedback. I don't think that I can rush into a relationship that quickly. Things going to fast intimidate me and I have major trusting issues. Yes, I did really feel guilty and disgraceful for joining a dating site for the first time in my life and as a result I had to disable the site. My morals don't support it. I know that in this world there are no ideal morals or principals but the views that are fed into our system from the very young age. You are very right that culture plays a huge role into our thinking. I grew up in a household where people were very conservative and yes, sex before marriage is seen as a sin/with disgust. However, I totally don't agree with all the things my culture teaches because not everything is right. The reason for my scattered view on intimacy and hunting for men is partly due to my cultural beliefs but majority of it is a reflection of my childhood abuse. I am struggling with a lot of it. I have to resolve too many issues. I have unfolded several mysteries already but there are a lot more that I need to untangle and God knows how long it'll take.

 

[J_trustno1]

@richter scale : Thanks for the post. Yes, you are right that I need to resolve my issues. I always felt I had issues and was always wondering why I wasn't getting into relationships while people of my age where into relationship. A lot of it was cultural pressure and family pressure for not getting into a relationship but most of it was related to abuse. I also tried finding if I was a lesbian but hugging a woman made me feel kinda "NO WAY"!!!. I did personality tests and tried finding my sexual orientation and it turned out that I have always been straight and it is out of question. I am going to bring this issues in depth with my counselor again the next appointment because it is bothering me.

@Radise: Thanks for answering. Yes, I did specify that I was only there for friends and meeting new people. But I was still getting some odd guys asking me those questions if I am not there for fun then why did I join that site. I felt ashamed and had trouble forgiving myself. As a result I disabled the site.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Well that's on those guys then. They're just weirdo's.

Nothing strange about you. Guys on those sites do have a tendency to be annoying and dependent. Some of the peeps on those sites have their own issues, so go easy on yourself. It isn't always on you.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Radise : I don't know if I need to stay off from that site or go on it. I am currently not comfortable with the entire dating site idea. I know I sound old fashioned but I feel I have lot of issues regarding forgiving myself and being easy on myself.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

You don't sound old fashioned. There's lots of times were I don't feel like dating sites are the right thing, either. Best to trust your gut instinct, it will be right most of the time.

PS. I tried to mail you about the PMDD thing (because I suspect I suffer from it myself and I saw you have some experience to offer) but I couldn't because your inbox is full, it says :)

 

[J_trustno1]

@Radise: Thanks. I saw the alert and cleaned my inbox. You can send me a message now :).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

OK I gotta say this!

Those guys who questioned why you were on the dating site were TOTAL idiots! Do you know how many guys troll dating sites just looking for sex? Nope, they don't want a relationship and sex, they just want sex! Of course not all guys are like this on those sites, but many are. So I really do LOL when I hear about a guy criticizing a woman for being on a dating site if she doesn't want a relationship!

I agree that you should be working on healing and not even think about finding a guy. The relationship part gets easier after you've dealt with the childhood sexual trauma. Right now you're thinking of jumping into a world that has the potential to trigger you.

I hate to say it, but it will take a certain kind of guy who is willing to wait years in order to have sex. I don't think I'd invest years into a guy if I knew he wouldn't have sex with me for years because sexual chemistry is very important in a relationship, and I don't want to find out years down the road that I wasted so much time on someone I'm not sexually compatible with.

I think you should focus on having guy FRIENDS.