No, It Won't Get Better

[kagamine]

My treatment team has such hope for me. They tell me I'm intelligent and resourceful and therefore should be able to recover and have a great life. But I'm not going to miraculously bounce back from my life experiences. I don't even feel worthy of that. I'm going to be plagued by bouts of dissociation and mental instability for the rest of my life. I keep trying to give myself reasons to delay attempting suicide. I don't want to deal with the hospital again, if I botched another attempt I'd have to deal with them and I hate them so much I'm so terrified of them. I could have a better life than I do right now, I'm going back to school and I'm aiming to go to university next year as a mature student. I want to be a social worker and be able to make my pain meaningful in helping others.

But it all seems meaningless. I am nothing but a cardboard cutout, sure I'm intelligent, but what value does that actually have? I'm stuck in this rat race of life because somebody thinks I'm Okay but I know that I'm not and I'm so tired of fighting. I want to move on to a better place. Whether there is an afterlife or it's just that I turn to compost for soil and bring nourishment to mother nature it's got to be better than what I'm doing now.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi @kagamine, I can see that you are going through a rough phase. It can be hard sometimes. Sometimes, it can be really hard but don't give up. You have taken the right steps in working with a treatment team that believes in you. Over time things will get better. If you feel suicidal talk to someone. You can always call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline and talk to someone anonymously, if you need to.

Hugs and I hope you get better,
UniversalBeing

 

[WillyKat]

I would also suggest more immediate, shorter term goals.

I felt as you do for a long time because I kept thinking about "having a great life" or being happy. Every time I thought of being happy I would imagine certain people in my life and how happy they seemed. It would just make me spin into a horrible downward spiral. I only started healing when I began to focus on goals that I could actually achieve.

So…my advice is to put the great life and happiness aside for the moment and concentrate on the fundamentals of breathing, staying in the present moment, grounding yourself. Don't worry about the big, ultimate goals for right now. Think in terms of hour to hour or even minute to minute stability.

You can't build a house w/o building the foundation first. Great basketball players never get there without first mastering the fundamentals. We must do the same.

Also, what's helped me a lot is to rephrase the ultimate goal. I've had better results by focussing on having a purpose and finding meaning and not worrying at all about being happy. And for me, having a purpose may be all I need.

 

[reallydown]

@kagamine I hear you...I'm in the same boat...well, minus the treatment team (still haven't found anyone who's not a condescending a-hole...well, I had 2 good ones before but anyway...) Funny, everyone always assumes just because someone is intelligent that they'll automatically be okay/figure it out etc...when in truth, often, that's exactly what's preventing you from being okay (in addition to the ptsd and related, obviously).

 

[Intrepid]

A while back I quit entertaining thoughts of suicide, directly anyway. All such thoughts did was scare me, the vulnerable me, the me that needed protection. That is not to say that I avoid thinking of self destruction in other ways. It's crazy how if you shut off a thought it comes up in other ways.

Anyway, I broke into sobs in the bathroom at work today because I remembered all of the very slow, frustrating, and exhausting years. Little piece by little piece, I've put things together. I can relate to really getting tired.

But it all seems meaningless. I am nothing but a cardboard cutout

I feel that way a lot of the time. I'm having to really work at keeping thinks meaningful. There's been a lot of times when I create a little meaning and the anxiety and dissociation break it down again. Or I just emotionally shut down completely and the best I can do is go through the motions of life.

Right now I'm doing better than much of my adulthood. It's not easy. I hope you can stick it out. I have a feeling that this world needs social workers who have been through what you have been through, and survivied. Good luck.

 

[BrooklynYinzer]

You can be really intelligent and still be completely in your own head. I have that problem. Smoked my brains out to try to avoid it for about 2 years! Sometimes doing something different can distract you from yourself. Do you like music? Working out? Cooking? Reading? Find something that puts you in a trance or a zone, and allow yourself to put that baggage down for a spell. Now I'm a musician by profession and I found that even playing my instrument wasn't a good distraction for me at times, but I found things that worked for me. Working out has been great, especially when I'm angry. Cooking is great when I'm depressed. Music has become more soothing, both playing and listening, and I've taken up sketching and drawing when I feel anxious. Maybe there is no cure for what we deal with, but I believe there is life to be lived, and we must fight for our own peace sometimes! At the end of the day, while I still feel hopeless at times and struggle to be in control of my anger at others, I refuse to let this define who I am.