Sufferer Slowly Drifting...

[Harley. Q]

:cry:
Newbie to the site today... feeling pretty lost at the moment.

I'm 29 and have being suffering from PTSD since 2008.
I didn't really recognise that what I had was PTSD until recently, in all honesty I didn't really know what PTSD was. I'm a therapeutic foster carer and I recently went on a training cause about PTSD and that's when I realised I was a sufferer.

Unfortunately it was too late because this week my husband of 6 years left me, through sheer frustration and a self-confessed inability to understand or empathise with what I was going through.

When I first started suffering I was too afraid to leave the house, so my (now separated) husband brought me home a little kitten from a rescue. That kitten became my comfort blanket... sadly he became terminally ill in December and last night he passed away :(

This week things are getting really bad with my PTSD, in 4 nights I've managed 6 hours of albeit interrupted and night terror filled sleep. I struggle to talk about my PTSD, I know I need to see my GP for some professional help, and I hoped coming on here and talking about it might be the first step in doing that.

I guess this is a cry for help :unsure:

 

[shandemonium]

hi Harley and welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry about what happened with your husband and your kitty too!

Please do not give up on yourself and know that we are here for you. This forum is a wonderful place for support. You will find many people who understand.

Hugs to you if you need them:hug:

 

[Seasounds]

Gosh, you are going through a lot a loss-- of a marriage and of the loss/death of someone, whom you loved. Love to you.:hug:

In case you are like me, and tend to needlessly blame yourself, i want you to know that you are not to blame for not knowing how to manage your PTSD, nor are you to blame for not knowing you that had PTSD. And you certainly are not to blame for your husbands unhappiness and death.

From my experience, of loosing a husband and having PTSD, medication, weekly counseling, and community support were needed to get me through the hard times.

Feel proud to be yourself, for having made good strides in recognizing your PTSD, and feel good to reach out here, to friends, and to doctors. :cp:

I look forward to reading more of your posts. Take good care.

 

[illusionist]

Welcome!...I hope you find the encouragement you need here to take the steps to heal. The valuable job that you do no doubt adds pressure.....look after yourself first and foremost.

 

[J.Nem]

Hi. I'm glad you're here. We are all in this together. I'm sorry about your marriage and your little cat. I really am.
Thinking of you.

 

[Friday]

Welcome, HarleyQ

 

[Harley. Q]

Thank you to all who have replied...and so quickly! :hug:

I am so scared that by accepting professional help I will lose the little girl I am currently caring for, and that would have such a detrimental affect on her both short and long-term as she is at a crucial stage in her own recovery and I am her one trusted adult. If I have to be referred to Mind or CAMHS (Mental Health Services in UK - the same services I work alongside as part of my role as a therapeutic foster carer), then I may be deemed medically unfit to continue working with children who have suffered severe trauma (although it never has affected my ability to do so - perhaps even enhanced it - and I'm currently a Children's Champion for all the hard and extra work I do for social services on a voluntary basis). But social services don't act on individual circumstance, it is basically one rule for every 'corporate parent'. There is still too much stigma attached to mental health in the UK and it's such a taboo subject that I'd just get brushed under the carpet (for want of a better phrase) :(:bag:

ps. and yes Saetva - I do blame myself for everything :unsure:

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello and welcome, Harley.

There are a lot of good people and a lot of good information here on the site. I hope you find it helpful.

 

[Friday]

I am so scared that by accepting professional help I will lose the little girl I am currently caring for...

That's a real, reasonable, and valid concern.

It's also probably the biggest reason why active duty military, police, fire, etc. either don't seek help, or seek help on the sly.

Getting help is paramount, but how public you are about doing so? There's no right answer IMO.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Harley. Q please don't put off getting help from a trauma therapist. Clearly you have been very successful as a foster parent. Many of us have important and stressful times at work. That's where having support helps you to navigate the symptoms so you can lead a calmer, more predictable life.

I lost many relationships due to my PTSD even though I never knew that's what I had. My work identity is crucial to my recovery. With folks like us we tend to be pretty hard on ourselves. Try to be gentle on yourself. You have lost your beloved cat, I'm so sorry for you. Losing a beloved pet just sucks.

Having your little girl gives you a deep sense of purpose and will help give you motivation to get better. Try not to worry about the system. If you find a good trauma therapist, they will see how good it is for you to foster. And anyway, isn't your health record confudential?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the Forum! WE CARE!!!
I am SO sorry that your husband has left, and that you lost your kitten, who comforted you wordlessly, but with that soothing company and gentle purring.

You do have valid concerns about the little girl you are caring for. It sounds like you have been actively involved with other people and their healing. You have already learned so much. It would be devastating to her, to be taken away, and I would be the same about protecting her. Maybe you will be able to apply some of what you have learned to yourself? How long will you have this little girl?

Instead of looking at the ENTIRE problem at once...maybe baby steps are best. Could you talk to your GP, and see if he/she would treat your major symptoms, maybe with an antidepressant, which might enable you to sleep, and have more clarity about the situation? Just realizing what is going on with yourself is huge!

Even though we feel EVERYTHING is our fault..it CANNOT be! If so, that means we inflicted all pain on ourselves, and certainly we have not.

But, thinking that we should be able to 'just get over' things is not reasonable, even though we ALL feel that way at some point. Feelings are not FACTS. They are 'real' to us, but they come from a place of pain, deep emotional pain.

You can begin by telling yourself that you are NOT alone, and come here for support and validation. You will find compassion and understanding and that is the most important thing right now.

Self-care is the most important thing, so do your best to be gentle and loving to your own "child within", while caring for the little one you are taking care of. Be as kind and loving to yourself as you are to her.

:hug:Hugs for your bravery, and:hug:hugs for what you have been through!
Blessings to you...and praying that you can take life one day at a time...that's all we have. We don't have to look at years down the road. One day, one step, not giving up or giving in. You will survive...and one day...thrive!

AKJ

 

[Harley. Q]

@Harley. Q
Having your little girl gives you a deep sense of purpose and will help give you motivation to get better. Try not to worry about the system. If you find a good trauma therapist, they will see how good it is for you to foster. And anyway, isn't your health record confudential?

I appreciate and totally agree with everything you say KwanYin, but because of the work I do my medical records aren't confidential to social services. And sadly because of some traumatic and severe health problems when I was younger (hence the PTSD as the surgeons responsible for my care who almost killed me and massively shortened my life expectancy were stripped of the licenses to practice medicine and taken to criminal court - although the case fell through because I was too traumatised to testify) my medical records are very complex and have never really being understood my social services. I have to have more medicals than is 'required' even though my physical health is totally stable now and I've never been ill in my work... hence my paranoia and fear of judgement. I feel like I'm always been checked on and even tho I do more for the service than any other foster parent, I know that if I had any health related problems (mental or physically) I'd be treated differently to other carers because of my history even though I've had no problems for 5+ years.

If my husband hadn't have left us it would be considered acceptable because he was what's called a 'secondary carer' to the children we look after... but now I'm on my own their will be a fearful reaction from social services because they will be thinking of it from their own legal standpoint if that makes sense.
I know it sounds wrong and it totally is wrong, but sadly that's just the way the system works :banghead: