Living Alone Or With Someone When You Have Ptsd?

[Anrish]

I'm really insecure right now. I left my parents' home as soon as possible to life on my own because I couldn't deal with them - couldn't deal with people in general. I lived alone for six years now but I will move in together with my best friend in August. She knows about me having PTSD.

I know that I can get along by myself quite good. I also enjoy it when I come home and no one is there who wants me to talk. But there are also times when I feel so damn alone that I can hardly take it. I don't want to burden her and myself.

I don't know whether it is better to stay alone when you deal with PTSD or to live together with someone. I'm torn between and I would be glad about any advise or shared experiences.

 

[Tanishq]

I think it is better to have some human support when you are going through PTSD. Being alone doesn't cut it, it might work for some people.

Edit: Awesome people are never burden, Anrish you are one of awesome people. :)

 

[Sammyiam]

I think it is really nice to have someone there for the times that you just need someone to be around and can talk to if you need to. I've been married for a long time and I would be so lost if I were in my own. He knows when I need time alone and I just go out into my shed and work and he is fine and let's me have my space. I think it would be great to just say to your friend sometimes when I'm not feeling very good I just need to be in my own space to sort stuff out in my head. Then she will know that you need both time and support and time alone.
All the best

Sammy

 

[fellowsufferer]

I'm living on my own at this moment. I would like to have an intimite relationship in the future, but i think i'm to much selfabsorbed in my struggles at this moment that i don't think i have a good startingpoint tot a relationship at this moment.

 

[Fadeaway]

I miss living on my own. I think if my husband and i could live next door to each other I would do much better. No, I am not capable of having a philisophical conversation about the current state of our finances and relationship in the middle of a flashback.

I love him but he makes my flashbacks worse while he tells me to stop living in the past blah blah blah...

 

[illusionist]

I have done both.
I've shared a house with two housemates but found that it gave me more stress than I had, when living alone....one, I felt, looked onto his housemates as best buddies and expected full attention when he had problems....this was on a daily basis. This was just too much for me.

Standard of living was something I struggled with....I like cleanliness..this caused a lot of stress as I'd come home from work to find a pebble dashed toilet and messy kitchen.

Friends of my housemates would stay overnight.....this made me feel unsafe.

I now live with my partner and are compatable in ways that are important to us....and respect each other's individual need for our own space.

Considering the wider picture of living with someone is so important. If there are major differences in how you live, it may end up being a move that you regret. Some things we can put up with, other things we may find impossible to live with....so considering these things are vital imo.

 

[Powder]

It could be the hardest part is now having to set up boundaries going into this that you are unused to having to set.

I suggest that you spend some time alone thinking about the things that would be a problem for you and writing them down in a top 5 list. Take some time really ensure this list covers what you suspect "COULD" need to be addressed.

There will be some things that upset you that are unpredictable. Having a plan of how to stay calm or calm down before saying anything is good. I don't suggest a board for notes. It will become a weapon.

One time, I had it down pat with my roomies, or so I thought, when, one brought her work girls home before a party night on the town and they ALL used my makeup from my medicine cabinet without asking me, lipstick, everything. :( I felt very violated and angry. I was told as if I was the cool one who they all wanted to copy and emulate, but it still seemed VERY passive aggressive.

The roomie had a huge amount of inventory of Mary Kay at the time, which she was hoarding. No, they didn't touch her hoard. They used my stuff. This made me mad. And then she ended up donating the hoard that she had hoped to sell to a new MK person anyway.

These kinds of minor violations totally enrage me, so how I tend to handle them is to NOT say anything, because I will literally destroy the relationship when I do. I will attack the perceived violator's ego and leave it in shreds. I know I do this, so I have focused on "first doing no harm," and just walking away.

I want to say that PTSD sufferers are often blamed for "walking away" from relationships over "small things" but I would have to say that it could be they are sparing the other person from far worse that they know they are capable of. Just a thought. Sometimes, retreating in love is the best way to end a conflict.

 

[Friday]

It depends whether I'm having sex with them, or not.

 

[falling_wave]

I've done both recently. I lived with a random roommate first. The standard of living bothered me there eg. cleanliness and pet care. I also hated always seeing my roommate when leaving the house and being asked why I'm home from work early if I did that. I also had a hard to letting emotion out because I was worried she would hear me cry or I would upset her. This made it all build up and it couldn't work.

Then I lived with my best friend who was some nurturing and supportive of md. We were friends so it was easier to be okay with differences in standard of living. The thing is when you live with someone close things change. She went from totally there for me to not there at all in the short time I lived there. Because I knew the closeness that tore me apart and caused so much more pain.

Now I'm back to my own place and it sure does get lonely sometimes but I'm pursuing spending time with friends and supports outside of living with them and at home things are the way I like them. I can express myself and be free in my own space. Nothing or no one is holding back my healing. Someday I'd like to be in a supportive and respectful intimate relationship and live together but I'm done with roommates and I like having my safe place.

 

[Powder]

I think it is easier if you are in love and have sex to help motivate to not obsess about the nitty gritty of cohabitation. There is always the annoyances but they are worth it when you love and admire the person and see them through the "rose colored glasses." A roommate situation is usually more tense with less methods of releasing the tension.

Interesting @falling_wave that your conclusion is the same as one of my co-workers, who finally said it wasn't worth splitting the rest due to how much irritation it is to share a home with someone who she is Not sleeping with. I think it is harder when there is someone who you are having a sexual relationship with, but when they don't live with you. It eventually is not ideal feeling to the point of irritation.

I wonder if some roommates have sex and are not in love, and if that helps dispel tension, or just ramps it up, but I don't plan on finding out for myself.

For me and some others, sharing a home with children is really taxing on the PTSD. As much as they are loved, there is no denying the wear and tear.

Basically, I think people need some ability to have alone time and to balance their social and private time and energy so they don't resent the presence of others, who should be appreciated more for what they have to offer.

 

[StarChild]

I don't know whether it is better to stay alone when you deal with PTSD

I'd like to ask you a few questions. And as you know me, you don't have to answer those questions. But maybe to contemplate about them by yourself.

• Are there specifically concerns, fears or experiences that make you doubt now this mutual decision of sharing a flat?
• What is / are the reasons for you and your best friend, to decide, to share a flat together?
  
• How do the two of you approach problems or misunderstandings with each other? (Avoidant, immediate = right when they arise, confrontational, hardly ever, e.t.c.)
• Is there a fear, of losing the friendship, if it would occur, that living together isn't what you and / or your best friend imagined, it might be?...
• What is your experience concerning the next question; Is there enough personal space for the needs of both? I.e., when you arrive at home, after a hard, long day of work, could you just freely inform her, that you now need an hour of solely Anrish-time (alone-time?) at first?
  
• Do you know each others habits already (a bit:))?
• Does each of you two know, what you need and expect from each other when living together?

Dear @Anrish, I too live with my best friend. We know each other since more than 20 years. And she's like a dear sister to me. All in all, we lived together for about 13 years, with a break of some few years, when I married and moved away. The interesting part; We shared a flat, before and after the onset of my PTSD. So she knew me long, long before I developed PTSD.

For us, one of the main reasons for the decision to share a flat, was (and still is) the quite astronomical lease payments in my country. Shared flat also means shared lease, water, electricity and heating costs. And of course, it's very pleasant to not have to live by my own. It's just important that every involved party has their own private room (be it a sleeping or home office / reading, "whatsoever-room", to retire.

My experience; Be it by living with a boyfriend / husband or a best friend is, that the ability to clearly communicate / discuss the own needs as well as the other persons needs, is of the same (if not even more) importance, as the ability to set boundaries.- For me personally, being able to address and discuss my own needs is less confrontational, as if to go and "proclaim" all "my" dos and don'ts, and insist on them right from the start.

As I already wrote, my best friend knew me for many years, without me having PTSD. And yes, there were and still are times of great tensions, misunderstandings and so on. As both of us had to learn, how to deal with the fact, that aspects of my personality have drastically changed. Yep, that's everything but easy, and we're still learning how to handle all these changes. But it's really manageable! And it's so worth the effort. As it keeps us going = chance for steady personal growth.

Oh, and we're both heterosexual = so no sex to "remove / dispel" misunderstandings or tensions. We just practice the good ol' *talking and listening* thing. :tup: - And one last thing; It's very important to know about ones own expectations and needs in such a relationship, as well as to know those of the cohabiter's. And: It's also important to learn to differentiate between what are needs, and what are expectations. As people tend to confuse those two. And this is more often than not, a big source of misunderstandings and frustration.

Okay, it seems, as if you embarked on quite an adventurous undertaking. Good luck and that you and your best friend may have lots and lots of good, encouraging experiences!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think we're all different.

I think you need to take an inventory of your living style and what you expect from a home.

I prefer to not have roommates as I am very particular about my living space and my sleeping space. I also hate feeling like I have to be someone I'm not around a roommate. (I can't relax around other people at all.) When I did have a roommate, I pretty much hid in my room whenever she was home because I never felt comfortable in the common areas. I thought that if I didn't do everything perfectly that I'd be a bad roommate. I can't live like that. Its just too stressful.

I want to say that PTSD sufferers are often blamed for "walking away" from relationships over "small things" but I would have to say that it could be they are sparing the other person from far worse that they know they are capable of. Just a thought. Sometimes, retreating in love is the best way to end a conflict.

Truer words have not been spoken. I have found this to be true so many times. People think that the pain is in the walking away, but we know that staying and engaging can indeed be worse.