Relationship Girl I've Fallen For Has Ptsd... I Really Need Some Advice On What's Going On Please....

[chloexxxxxxxx]

Ok, this is gonna be a long story but I will try and cut as short as I can. About a year ago, I started dating this amazing girl (let's call her Jess, she's 21)

We went on our first date and it was amazing. We got on Like a house on fire and it was like we had known each other for years! We were holding hands, laughing and joking and had some interesting conversations. We both said we really liked each other and wanted to see each other again and that we both had great chemistry. Only one problem- she was moving away the next day. However, we decided we would like to stay in touch and see what happens. Next day, out of the blue she blocked me on everything and i could not get intouch.

A month or so passed and she got intouch saying that she had moved back because she wasn't enjoying the new job. She wanted to meet me so se did and we had a great time. I asked why she had blocked me and she said that she found it easier to deal with her anxiety by pushing out people she cared about including her own family and friends. I told her she shouldn't do that and I forgave her and we had a great time once again. Our feelings began to grow and we talked more and more often. Then about a month later, she went all cold and I had a go at her and she blocked me again. I was obviously hurt and confused at her behaviour going from hot to cold. I guess I should have realised then that something deeper was going on with her.

A couple of months later she came back to me and said that she felt awful how she had treated me and that ever since our first date she had never stopped thinking about me and that she was scared and couldn't really deal with being gay. She told me she had now began to accept and deal with it and she wanted to see and make things up to me because she wants me to be her girl. We met up and things were great once again. She began to open up to me a bit. Her mum committed suicide a few years ago and she has been in abusive relationships with boyfriends in the past and she has severe anxiety and depression. I also saw she had uploaded a pic to her Facebook about Having PTSD but she doesn't know that I've seen that and doesn't know that I know she has the illness.

Things were going great between us and she stayed at mine but she was very very on guard when she heard noises and said she had nightmares etc. I held her and comforted her like I always do and Ive always been honest with her about how I feel about her and now much I like her and care for her and she loves that I'm honest and open, although it does ironically make her push me away. We always end up back in each others arms and I've totally fallen for her. She is so emotionally detached and when we get close, she just pushes me away and it makes no sense to me. It's like she doesn't think she's worthy of love or something. Her self esteem is so low... It's so so sad to see. I tell her all the time how amazing she is but she just won't believe it. She's slways telling me how much she likes me.

She has a dating profile where she is looking for a relationship however she has said to me that she just wants to go out and have fun and that she only sees me as a friend (she said this 2 days after staying at mine and telling me how much she liked me and how she has never felt like this before) . She has since admitted that was an excuse and that she does still like me and always has and that it was a pathetic thing to say to me. She said she just doesn't think it's fair to treat me how she does when she's so hurt and lost and that I deserve better. I've asked why she's looking for a relationship and she said that she's not and hasn't met up with anyone since me. Why does she say she's seeking a relationship online then?? This hurts me deeply and she won't answer this question when I ask her. Do u reckon it's for validation and reassurance from people that she's desired??

I don't know what to do. I've told her that I've fallen for her and have asked her to tell me the truth about how she feels and that il always be here for her and that I care so much about her and will do anything to prove that. I asked what she has done with my hoodie that she has and a teddy that I bought her but she is not responding. I know she likes me ...... What is going on??

 

[Mallaky]

Wow, that is difficult.

As a gay male with lifelong PTSD, it definately adds to the difficulties. Especially in a non-understanding environment. Took a long time for me to be okay with it. Now I would not have it any other way, but it took me a long time to get there.

Here is the thing though: PTSD did not make me dishonest. Your friend seems to be confused on a level, that cannot be attributed solely to PTSD. I could be wrong of course.

I dont believe you can push this. You can reach out for her, but if she does not grab your help, I dont know if there is something you can or should do about it. If you were lifelong friends or something, I would view it differently.
If she isnt ready, then she isnt ready.

What you can do though is making it clear that you are there for her, and that she absolutely does not have to be afraid to say hello, even after long periods of silence. Someone once said that to me, and it made a world of difference. Maybe you want to touch upon the PTSD thingie you saw? Maybe that helps her to open up.

Best of luck!

 

[Friday]

Oh, the PTSD tango.

Welcome to the forums... Fortunately / Unfortunately... This is hallmark. The more you read the better you'll understand.

2 good places to start:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/
The Ptsd Cup Explanation

 

[Fadeaway]

Hey there. This must be very confusing for you. I can't tell you exactly what she is thinking, but I do believe that I can offer up some possibilities. You see, my mom committed suicide when I was around that same age. A lot of things you mention remind me of how I coped, or to put it more accurately, didn't cope.

she found it easier to deal with her Link Removed by pushing out people she cared about including her own family and friends

Yup, she is right, it is just fact. Coping with anxiety means eliminating as much stress as you can. Even positive stress. Just cut out everything you can so you can focus on what you have to do to stay alive.

She is so emotionally detached and when we get close, she just pushes me away and it makes no sense to me.

F.E.A.R. Relationships are terrifying. Especially when you have lost someone who has such a major role in your life as your mother in such a traumatic way. She may not even understand why she is doing it. Especially, if it is something she doesn't want to be doing. I certainly didn't understand why, and would get angry at myself for doing this to people but I couldn't stop. It's a self protective mechanism that kicks in whether you like it or not. You try not to and sometimes you are able to supress the fear for a while, but it always rears it's ugly head. Which leads too...

I was obviously hurt and confused at her behaviour going from hot to cold.

Her self esteem is so low... It's so so sad to see. I tell her all the time how amazing she is but she just won't believe it.

Thought process "If my own mother didn't think I was worth hanging around, why would any one else? She must have killed herself because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worth her wanting to live for."

She has since admitted that was an excuse and that she does still like me and always has and that it was a pathetic thing to say to me

Take her at her word. Trust me on this one.

Do u reckon it's for validation and reassurance from people that she's desired??

I wouldn't call it looking for validation or reassurance, but cause it is doubtful she feels desired at all. She probably doesn't even know why herself. If anything, she is looking for reinforcement of her own belief that she is unwanted. You can tell her you want her until she is blue in the face, but only time will help her accept that as fact.

I know she likes me ...... What is going on??

She is most likely, under compulsion from her sub consious, trying to see how far she has to push until you just up and abandon her like her mother did. And to be honest, the more she cares about you the worse it is going to be, due to the fear of getting attached to someone who is probably going to leave you.

If you truly want a relationship with her, than you are going to have to accept that there is going to be times where she is going to need space and to disappear, so that she can regroup and pull herself together.

Someone who is still there waiting for you after you take a "timeout" is priceless. It will get easier as she gets older and understand why she does these things. Other things are going to need therapy. A little bit of patience will go a long way if you truly want to be there for here and make it work.

 

[Chloexxxxxxxx]

2 good places to start:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/
The Ptsd Cup Explanation

Thank you for your help, I shall read these :)

 

[Chloexxxxxxxx]

Thank you fadeaway! You raise some brilliant points which I never even thought about!

I have an update which happened two nights ago, she finally replied to me and simply said "I'm seeing someone but here as a friend xxxxx". I said I didn't understand as she liked me 2 days prior to her saying this (when she sent the messages). Once I sent that reply, she blocked me straight away!

Her dating profile still States looking for a relationship? :/ do you think there probably isn't a relationship and she's just said it to push me away because she thinks she doesn't deserve me?

And if not, then how can she be with someone else and not me when I know 100% that she has feelings for me?!

Should I trust what she said about liking me? ... Do u reckon she likes me a lot to do these things? And if so, what makes you know/think that?

 

[Mallaky]

I think you cant force it, and it seems you try to. I am starting to get a bad vibe about the whole thing.

 

[Chloexxxxxxxx]

I think you cant force it, and it seems you try to.

Yeah I'm not forcing it, I've let her go now, but I just wanted to know what could be going on from a PTSD sufferer's point of view! and whether or not you guys had any idea as to why she was acting like this... That's all!

 

[mistyelon]

Wow can I say that I am dating a guy that I just caught on dating websites and he can't tell me y he's on them.. We haven't been together long.. He tells me he really likes me I told him I've totally fallen for him and I want it to stop and for him to choose me and he won't answer me.. I'm a straight women however I feel like we have the same story to tell.. Ugh I have been cry for days as it was just my bday.. I also have MS and RA and I feel like I'm not worth it as I'm sick and that's y I'm not being chosen.. Best of luck to u.. I'm so sadden by ur story it's a mess that people we love and care about want hurt us so deeply

 

[Kefira]

Should I trust what she said about liking me? ... Do u reckon she likes me a lot to do these things? And if so, what makes you know/think that?

Since we don't know her or you, we can't really know or think anything about the situation. We're also only getting your side of it, and I agree with @Mallaky - that's starting to look more suspect.

Ultimately, why does it matter whether she is really in a relationship or not? She has blocked you, which is a pretty clear way of asking for space. You fixating and trying to figure out what's going on and assuming that she must be lying because of a relatively short and unstable history isn't going to help anything. Either she will decide that she can talk to you again or not but certainly pushing the issue, trying to force yourself into her life in ways she's indicating she doesn't want right now, and generally making assumptions would definitely tell me to run in the opposite direction and to try to cut off whatever other methods of contact would be available.

If she opens back up to you, I think you would do a lot better to see if you can learn about what she ACTUALLY thinks and feels, instead of projecting your own assumptions onto her. Learning about how she processes and expresses emotions, and trying to find out how you can help with that (or at least not make it worse) rather than making her pain about you and your disappointment/confusion/hurt. Self care for supporters is important, and that doesn't mean to ignore your own feelings and opinions. But this reads as all about you and not at all about her pain and suffering. I started listing examples but I'm just too tired. So here's just one:

I asked why she had blocked me and she said that she found it easier to deal with her Link Removed by pushing out people she cared about including her own family and friends. I told her she shouldn't do that and I forgave her and we had a great time once again.

Telling her she shouldn't use the only coping mechanism she's used to survive is not only insulting, insensitive, and immature but also somewhat punitive. It's completely unrealistic, and this sort of unsupportive action will likely read as things being conditional and make it harder to trust you to come back if she falls back into that behavior, which she will. Instead of 'forgiving her' what about trying to determine what you might be able to do, together, to help mitigate that anxiety and how that might work for the two of you so she might not feel like she has to shut you out as often due to working through the stress alone.

Just my two cents.

 

[joeylittle]

what could be going on from a PTSD sufferer's point of view! and whether or not you guys had any idea as to why she was acting like this

Is it more to do with the fact that she isn't out - and/or is confused right now about her sexual identity? PTSD would only complicate that situation, but the situation in itself is pretty challenging (if that's what's going on with her).

Just a thought.