The Albatross
VIP Member
Okay I'm confused now because name had nothing to do with it in my case... nor did I infer that it was. It was self preservation on her part by throwing me under the bus.
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It Is None Of Your F*cking Business
- Post starter PtsdEdu
- Start date
- Status
Friday
Sponsor
Have you considered that the intimate details of your mother's abuse and trauma actually aren't your business? Or that the choices she made may have actually been the best ones she could make? Or that she might rather have you hate her, than to hate yourself or blame yourself for every beating and rape she took in order to protect you the best way she knew how? That she may indeed still be trying to protect you, now?
Last edited:
D
Deleted member 29899
Not done reading all the posts but @PtsdEdu, you believe and say that you are 'treatment resistant' AND you say 'you've improved DRAMATICALLY'.....????? This is completely contradictory.
D
Deleted member 29899
I have read all the posts now.
Yes, I can see why you haven't returned yet @PtsdEdu!
First of all, I firmly don't believe that you should be telling tons of people that you are treatment resistant and somehow you've 'dramatically improved'. Obviously you are NOT treatment resistant and be glad for that. JMHO folks.
I can see how you may feel attacked by some of these posts or at the very least, unhappy with them.
My story is the same as yours. I cant think of anything that is different from your story and mine.
I can understand (mostly) the comments that seemingly defend your mother. I on the other hand sit on the other side of the fence. My rational self can agree with those defending comments but my deeply injured self cannot agree with them.
If I hear 'I did the best I could' come from my mother's mouth, my head will blow off. No matter how that is justified, it is not enough. 8 children's psyche's have been damaged because she chose to stay. 6 out of 8 have tried to suicide. Then the damage has now been passed onto the next generation for many reasons- all being traced back to her not leaving.
I'm a woman, I can 'see' the trouble our mothers were in, and when they were in that trouble (with our crazy fathers) they were being psychologically abused, terrorized and were crazy as well. A beaten battered woman is not in her right mind. Yet I DO expect her to have left, to have protected us DESPITE the fact that she must not have been in her right mind for all those years...
It sounds contradictory, but the voice inside of me (and I'm sure I speak for a lot of us) is that SHE SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED ME DESPITE ANYTHING. ANY. THING.
I would jump infront of a bus for my children, would she have? I don't know. Maybe we think we would have done better in their position? Obviously we think we would have...
At this point @PtsdEdu, if your mother said 1 sentence - "I'm sorry", would this be enough for you?
For myself, at the point where I am with my PTSD and everything else in my life "I'm sorry" would not be enough for me. But I think this is just where I am in my journey. I am in the stage of anger and sometimes rage. No one can move us from one stage to another. It's a journey. No one can say "you need to forgive her, for yourself, for your own piece of mind and you'll feel better." It doesn't work like that and obviously you know that.
It's the same as the stages of grief. No one can hurry another person along, even if they are speaking wisdom or sound psychological advice or statistics or whatever.
We are all on our own journey, in different stages of suffering, healing....
I am one of the few of the 8 of us who have not confronted. Because I don't want to hear "I did the best I could." But some of the once rabid and hateful siblings somehow have forgiven. I don't know how, they are all on their own journeys as well. Very unfortunately almost everyone is too dysfunctional to discuss such things with each other.
I've very much felt 'attacked' (don't get your feathers ruffled folks...) for speaking how I really feel about my mother before. The people who I felt 'attacked' by don't know the dynamics, the damage... and maybe some of them DO but just because some people are further along in their journey of healing- well, they're speaking from a different place altogether.
Don't be too upset by the responses here that you don't like. Been there, done that. Felt it, been offended. Have felt invalidated. But there really ARE people who are in the exact same position as you right now. That totally get it. You are hurting and don't exactly want anyone defending her. I get that. I can even see in way how they are 'right', of COURSE we'd feel better if we forgave them but life isn't that simple.
I'll be glad when I've passed through the anger, rage and blame (IF I do). I've fought to survive, it's been a tough road but we are all in different stages. For most of my life I held nothing against her while all the others resented her and blamed here. Now maybe two years ago it all hit me- and I'm where you're at. Only now we don't speak. We were very close.
At one point all the people saying 'well you should forgive her. She did the best she could. Yadayadayada.... " these posters (if they had childhoods like this) were not always kumbaya and full of forgiveness. Maybe they are further along. Good for them but I'd feel somewhat attacked as well. It's like being invalidated. I see both sides of the coin.
The side that is further along and HAVE reached forgiveness (IF you were abused) be gentle.
People have the RIGHT to feel that 'I did the best I could' is NOT good enough. It isn't necessarily a permanent state or thought. We have a RIGHT to feel injured. We have a right to FEEL the stages of pain that we're in.
Bravo to those who have passed through this stage and made it to the other side. Hold our hand while we try to make it through. Some don't make it there, they remain stuck, and some don't make it because they suicide. Imagine- 6 out of 8 children in one home trying to suicide because of abuse at home.
We need to validate each other.
Just my opinion. This post, I could almost have written it myself. For some people, it's not 'in the past'. With flashbacks, some people are still living it.
@PtsdEdu, most people are really great on this forum. I don't think anyone intended on hurting your feelings.
(Holy cow that was long, sorry! Hope it didn't violate any rules for the length.)
Yes, I can see why you haven't returned yet @PtsdEdu!
First of all, I firmly don't believe that you should be telling tons of people that you are treatment resistant and somehow you've 'dramatically improved'. Obviously you are NOT treatment resistant and be glad for that. JMHO folks.
I can see how you may feel attacked by some of these posts or at the very least, unhappy with them.
My story is the same as yours. I cant think of anything that is different from your story and mine.
I can understand (mostly) the comments that seemingly defend your mother. I on the other hand sit on the other side of the fence. My rational self can agree with those defending comments but my deeply injured self cannot agree with them.
If I hear 'I did the best I could' come from my mother's mouth, my head will blow off. No matter how that is justified, it is not enough. 8 children's psyche's have been damaged because she chose to stay. 6 out of 8 have tried to suicide. Then the damage has now been passed onto the next generation for many reasons- all being traced back to her not leaving.
I'm a woman, I can 'see' the trouble our mothers were in, and when they were in that trouble (with our crazy fathers) they were being psychologically abused, terrorized and were crazy as well. A beaten battered woman is not in her right mind. Yet I DO expect her to have left, to have protected us DESPITE the fact that she must not have been in her right mind for all those years...
It sounds contradictory, but the voice inside of me (and I'm sure I speak for a lot of us) is that SHE SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED ME DESPITE ANYTHING. ANY. THING.
I would jump infront of a bus for my children, would she have? I don't know. Maybe we think we would have done better in their position? Obviously we think we would have...
At this point @PtsdEdu, if your mother said 1 sentence - "I'm sorry", would this be enough for you?
For myself, at the point where I am with my PTSD and everything else in my life "I'm sorry" would not be enough for me. But I think this is just where I am in my journey. I am in the stage of anger and sometimes rage. No one can move us from one stage to another. It's a journey. No one can say "you need to forgive her, for yourself, for your own piece of mind and you'll feel better." It doesn't work like that and obviously you know that.
It's the same as the stages of grief. No one can hurry another person along, even if they are speaking wisdom or sound psychological advice or statistics or whatever.
We are all on our own journey, in different stages of suffering, healing....
I am one of the few of the 8 of us who have not confronted. Because I don't want to hear "I did the best I could." But some of the once rabid and hateful siblings somehow have forgiven. I don't know how, they are all on their own journeys as well. Very unfortunately almost everyone is too dysfunctional to discuss such things with each other.
I've very much felt 'attacked' (don't get your feathers ruffled folks...) for speaking how I really feel about my mother before. The people who I felt 'attacked' by don't know the dynamics, the damage... and maybe some of them DO but just because some people are further along in their journey of healing- well, they're speaking from a different place altogether.
Don't be too upset by the responses here that you don't like. Been there, done that. Felt it, been offended. Have felt invalidated. But there really ARE people who are in the exact same position as you right now. That totally get it. You are hurting and don't exactly want anyone defending her. I get that. I can even see in way how they are 'right', of COURSE we'd feel better if we forgave them but life isn't that simple.
I'll be glad when I've passed through the anger, rage and blame (IF I do). I've fought to survive, it's been a tough road but we are all in different stages. For most of my life I held nothing against her while all the others resented her and blamed here. Now maybe two years ago it all hit me- and I'm where you're at. Only now we don't speak. We were very close.
At one point all the people saying 'well you should forgive her. She did the best she could. Yadayadayada.... " these posters (if they had childhoods like this) were not always kumbaya and full of forgiveness. Maybe they are further along. Good for them but I'd feel somewhat attacked as well. It's like being invalidated. I see both sides of the coin.
The side that is further along and HAVE reached forgiveness (IF you were abused) be gentle.
People have the RIGHT to feel that 'I did the best I could' is NOT good enough. It isn't necessarily a permanent state or thought. We have a RIGHT to feel injured. We have a right to FEEL the stages of pain that we're in.
Bravo to those who have passed through this stage and made it to the other side. Hold our hand while we try to make it through. Some don't make it there, they remain stuck, and some don't make it because they suicide. Imagine- 6 out of 8 children in one home trying to suicide because of abuse at home.
We need to validate each other.
Just my opinion. This post, I could almost have written it myself. For some people, it's not 'in the past'. With flashbacks, some people are still living it.
@PtsdEdu, most people are really great on this forum. I don't think anyone intended on hurting your feelings.
(Holy cow that was long, sorry! Hope it didn't violate any rules for the length.)
Last edited by a moderator:
Lucycat
Sponsor
This is absolutely NOT contradictory! Just think about the word 'resistant'. If a child is resistant to going to bed that does not prevent them being sent and eventually going to sleep. If a person resists a murderer that sadly does not prevent them from being murdered. It simply make is all harder.
In the case of treatment resistance this is resistance not immunity. It does not mean that treatment will not work, but usually means that it is far more difficult for both the treater and the patient. They have to 'think outside the box' and utilise non-standard treatments, which might simply mean that a 6 week course of treatment extends to 6 months or could be an entirely different treatment. This applies just the same to physical illness as it does to emotional disorders. You can have spectacular results of treatment resistant disorders once you have acknowledged the difficulty.
Also consider the context. There is passive resistance and active resistance. Here it is described as the disorder being resistant, it is not the client being resistant. That would be almost blaming them for not getting better. It is a close call to say 'you are treatment resistant' rather than 'you have been diagnosed with a treatment resistant disorder'. The latter is simply setting the scene for a long hard slog to recovery.
D
Deleted member 1860
@imok the Op is temp banned so that's why he hasn't come back to this thread. It's not because others have hurt his feelings. If you saw those other threads, you'd know this guy won't back down from any sort of disagreement until he is "right" and is very condescending toward others.
D
Deleted member 29899
@itsKismet, I'm fully aware that the op is temporarily banned. I didn't think it was my business announcing that to everyone. Do you?
It is evident from his comments here how he had felt about some of these comments from people.
From which threads do you get the idea that this fellow 'won't back down' or is condescending to others? From just this post and comments? If you gather that from just this post and comments on this post, I very much disagree.
If you've gathered this conclusion from various comments on other posts, I have not read any of his other stuff.
It is evident from his comments here how he had felt about some of these comments from people.
From which threads do you get the idea that this fellow 'won't back down' or is condescending to others? From just this post and comments? If you gather that from just this post and comments on this post, I very much disagree.
If you've gathered this conclusion from various comments on other posts, I have not read any of his other stuff.
rainy_daze
Diamond Member
I was surprised at the judgement in your post @itsKismet , and I wondered if it was a bit black and white based on the OPs recent threads?
I have read the other threads, but I saw a person who was hurting, confused and lashing out. PTSD does not always help a person to play nice with others, and everyone has different stages they go through for healing. Is that not why temp bans are put in place, to give people a chance?
Sometimes people get a temp ban, and they have time to reflect/get better and so on. It can be a good learning experience. [Personal growth yo :)]
@PtsdEdu people do wish you well here. I find it helpful to read over old threads I have posted sometimes to understand where other posters are coming from if I have taken what they have said the wrong way. And also to reflect on how I may have responded to other people. Maybe this advice is helpful to you, and if it isn't just leave it.
I have read the other threads, but I saw a person who was hurting, confused and lashing out. PTSD does not always help a person to play nice with others, and everyone has different stages they go through for healing. Is that not why temp bans are put in place, to give people a chance?
Sometimes people get a temp ban, and they have time to reflect/get better and so on. It can be a good learning experience. [Personal growth yo :)]
@PtsdEdu people do wish you well here. I find it helpful to read over old threads I have posted sometimes to understand where other posters are coming from if I have taken what they have said the wrong way. And also to reflect on how I may have responded to other people. Maybe this advice is helpful to you, and if it isn't just leave it.
D
Deleted member 29920
Just to say I think it's quacks, what a lovely easy way of turning it around on to the client instead of admitting they may be a totally inadequate therapist and should not be in the profession. How nice of them(!)
wow.
Your story really connected with me. It's unnerving the same feelings I have about my mothers unwillingness to protect me (The horrible self doubt, feelings of unreality and unworthiness that are left as a result) - I will say I am a bit jealous your mother would even entertain you asking her why... mine just shouts in my face and basically denies my very existence, after a one year gap in not seeing her I am back to seeing her for short period of fakeness. I can only be in her life as an accessory.. a muse that adds to her life, not anything about my needs to be met as a human being.
The rage is unbearable sometimes, and I have done YEARS of therapy, writing, drawing, walking, throwing rocks on the beach... I guess its all had its place. Sadly i have resigned myself to having "fake breakfasts:with my mother where we play the mother daughter. at least I say to myself I am getting some love now... but my core existence is and always has been denied. she has no interest in my pain and the fact she left me with a phsychopath who had tried to kill her and my siblings.. alone for months on end... and he tried to kill me on a daily basis - means nothing to her.
There's a feeling of unreality that I can't shake about my life.
I feel like a broken puzzle a lot of the time. I have developed an ecosystem that looks after myself and I have been "successful" in many ways in my life having run my own business, and also being quite senior in a number of global software companies.... but now I find myself a bag of misfitting puzzle pieces, without the same motivation to "get on with life and be a success": as I had 3 years ago... and I am really really struggling with how to "resolve" the absolute rage I have inside towards my father who betrayed me beyond belief... and now completely denies any of it. because "he's a nice guy really don't I know?".(I can't even be in the same country as him so he's a write off) and my mother whom I just always hated growing up but secretly wanted to be close to her and loved by her, I have managed to develop a "closeness" which is more than she has with any other person, but simply denies my reality and truth in so many ways.
I get it... that she had shit happen too, I get it, that she didn't get to form as a whole personality.. why.. not sure of all the facts but I get it. I don't have any desire to deny her a happy life. It's just a HUGE missing piece to be denied to ask Both my parents WHY... and get No Answers!.. and not be attacked again for daring to exist.
Opposite to your story I grew up hating my mother openly and "siding" with my father for protection ( a plan that failed and I ended up being left alone with him as he tried to strangle me (age 12), tried to throw me off a 3 story balcony and took me too a rubbish dump to say "this is it"./.. "you're not mine anyway" as some kind of permission to end my life... (God if only that were true, that he wasn't my biological father, that would be Awesome!). So I can relate to the terror you must have felt...
I survived, focused all my attention on a cat I had rescued to avoid facing the reality of a man who I had adored as my protector, my father, was a raving phsycpath who wanted me dead sometimes......My mum came home eventually from one of her many far off travels getting famous and "successful" (Which I will say is probably why we wer able to get away from him in the end so...) and "asked him to leave" (won't bother with the drama that unfolded... and the terror of it all..." her being the Director of the Scottish Police board as one of her many "titles" and achievements she ran around collecting, at the time kinda helped her get "rid of him"... would have been nice if she'd done it a bit sooner! but then she sent me and my little brother to go on holiday with him and he once again went psycho... I can never really trust my mother... she's not fully formed and its really a fake mother daughter relationship... but one that means something to certain parts of me and gave me an element of healing.
As you can see tryig to recollect my past is like a broekn puzzle,,, the bits don't fit or make sense because my reality didn't matter to them... it was all about them.
I want to want things in my life again, I want to want success again, I want to want to talk to people again, and I want to want to meet people, I want to want things for myself again. How do I get there having foolishly tried to put toether a puzzole that never belonged together in the first place, that had no place for me, my reality didn't fit.
I have done way too much therapy in my life, but still find myself in Therapy and I am really irritated by the whole thing. I just think I might be at my limit with someone just nodding and looking "empathetically" at me as I re-live trauma.... I am so over it!
I feel you have no place to judge how betrayed someone might feel when they have not been protected against their life being threatened. ITs not your place to be a judge!
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