Relationship Is It Too Much To Ask For An Apology?

[Sweetpea76]

Think you're going to have a chat and lay down the law?

That's what I am trying to decide. Stress is the reason, but is it an excuse?

 

[Friday]

Him- "In a non-retarded fashion" *sniff, bitch grumble*.

:hilarious: :roflmao: Bwaaaahahahaha. I'd have smacked him for that one (or swept his feet out from under him as I walked toward the door), if I didn't fall down laughing, but I'm overly physical & know it. Snort. "In a non-retarded fashion." indeed.

Great block of instruction, there, mate. <<< sarcasm font needed

Him- "that's counterproductive... do you get more retarded as time goes by? You are more of a liability than a help."

Hey... You did better than I would have Sweetpea! If I made it past the first comment? I'd have lit in right about here ;)

Cha. You do not get to make your ass feel better by kicking mine, buckwheat... Not unless I've agreed in advance to be your chew toy. Just cause you're feeling like a liability, you do not get to get all excited about me being more of one than you are, & prop yourself up by knocking me down. Correct that shit, mister. Groveling would be a good start. Fast. Or I'll see you tomorrow if you've managed to unf*ck yourself. Until your head is firmly out of your ass I dont want you in my line of sight. Got that?

((This is why I never never never -unless I forget- tell other people what to do or say in a relationship. Overly physical AND mouthy. ))

 

[Sweetpea76]

@FridayJones you don't know how bad I want to jam my foot up into his third point of contact sometimes... I bet I could get it up there in a pretty non-retarded fashion too. I have a hot temper by nature, and have REALLY REALLY learned to check it since getting into a relationship with him.

I think I check it too well.

 

[nursenurse]

Oh Sweetpea, don't waste your foot, pack the underwear then the suitcase where his sun don't shine, lol.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Short version for the long rant:

* Failure to have a well-packed kit is punishable in the military
* Use I statements, let him solve your problem, men like to help
* Profanity/ Cursing may be a compliment among males because they see you as one of the guys
*Edit: My husband just told me that to his mind "retarded" was NOT an insult among men who know the other well (as opposed to persons who don't know the other well)


Now that @FridayJones mentioned it - I think failure to have a tidy kit is punishable in the military. However - it is not pubishable on civvy street and sorry to point it out like this - he must get used to it one day, mustn't he.

I would tell him - in a friendly way - that YOU felt hurt by his behaviour. I wouldn't say " Your behaviour IS hurtful", but "being a woman I FELT hurt".

My guy is typically mega friendly. I am unhappy that my posts seemed to give the impression that he isn't - but he is particular about small stuff and sometimes blunt.

The other day we were working when a problem arose. He thought he needed another kind of tool and while still thinking about the problem, told me to get it. I thought he did not need it, told him. He said "Shut your puss, bring it".... "but...", "Shut your puss I am trying to think", "but...", "Shut-your-stupid-puss-and-bring it. Need an extra invitation in golden letters?"

I felt disrespected and ordered about. I choose to talk to him and said "You, know I felt so unhappy, because I felt maybe my hubby does not love me enough." "Why do you have so stupid ideas?" ". I explained why and it turns out that in the same situation HE was feeling pretty unloved and disrespected too... because he I asked him to do some work, but than basically told him he had no idea how to do it and also that he thought that "Shut your puss" was no worse than "Shut up", because men use it that way and I learned that men do worse at multitasking and need to think about a problem first before they want to discuss it with others.
I also discussed the problem with a male relative, who thought that "shut your stupid puss" is not really an insult if the person who says it did not shout. My husband did not shout.

I wasn't sure if I should talk about this topic because he is such a friendly guy. I don't want smear him.

There are some kind of men, in male jobs, who are using a rough tone when talking to other men. My husband calls his best friend "the ugly old pervert" and it's a term of affection.
Several men told me that they try to adjust their tone when talking to ladies who might not be used to it.
My advice would be to listen when he talks to other guys. When my husband talks to guys he knows well my ears burn from all that vivid talk about violence, profanity and gutter language.

Him talking to a man about somebody who sold us an article that was not as described "That bastard f*cked us", talking to me "he tried to take us for a fool", talking to the man "Sir, I think there was an honest mistake...".
The less my husband likes another man the more likely he is to be extremly polite because as man he learned that male agression can have consequences.

My husband comes from a military family, does yours? Coming from a military family his father brought him up to smile when he was angry (instead of freaking out). That's pretty common in a military family.
For a long time I did not understand that his politeness ment he was really, really, really, really, honestly pissed off.
If a man talks rough with you it sometimes can be a compliment because it shows he sees you as one of the guys. Retarded may have a different meaning for him than for you.

When you say "I felt... (please help me)" that's better than saying "YOU did", because you are basically saying "I have a problem - please help me fix it". A man likes to help. At least mine does.

I your case: there might be the one way to pack a suitcase that makes sense to him and it may be so clear to him that he thinks everybody who doesn't pack it that way is trying to annoy him and if he is already having a bad day...

Sorry for the long rant. I hope at least some of it makes sense.

 

[scout86]

I don't want my daughter to see a man talking to her mother like that and think that it is acceptable behavior.

And HE shouldn't want that either. Not really. And he might want to think about that. Would he want his daughter talked to that way?

@Lemontree just said something that made me realize that being called "stupid" or anything like that, is actually a bit of a trigger for me. I'd never thought about it, but those words and a certain tone...... Anyway, now I'm not sure if I'm over reacting to this or not AND I'm wondering about how appropriate some of my reactions were in some "relationship situations" in the past. And, I guess that's relevant to this discussion because in MY version of reality, we'd need to have some guidelines when it comes to name calling. That's the kind of thing you need to actually work out if you're going to be in a relationship, isn't it? But, somehow, it has to be worked out in a way that respects all parties concerned and makes it clear that it's not about criticizing each other, it's about respecting each other and coming up with a plan that works for everyone. If I was in a relationship, I'm thinking it would be necessary to be clear that there wasn't going to be any name calling in "that tone of voice". It would be a deal breaker because it would hit me in a way where I wouldn't be able to regulate how I took it. (Oddly, now that I've been playing out scenarios in my head, you could probably call me "dumbass" and get away with it, because my mom never would have said that. LOL)

Sometimes, obviously, things have a different meaning for different people. Seems to me that's ok and should be understood and respected. Another lesson from my bio. family though. I can't TELL you how many times I've been told I "took something wrong" because the person saying it was playing mind games. You CAN'T "take something wrong". You can take it in a way other than the way it was intended, but that doesn't make you WRONG.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I think I check it too well.

And then some!

I don't have much of a temper, and am quite patient, but if hubby had spoken to me like that when I was doing him a favour the response would have been something along the lines of "if you don't like the way I'm doing it you are welcome to do it yourself".

 

[Peach]

@Wastinglight said they call each other retards in jest. That is an important distinction. Context is everything. Tater and I call each other names. Actually, now that I think about it, I do much more than he does. But they're terms of endearment and playful; brat, retard, snot, little shit, etc. Very often after I say something, he'll say, "very droll" in a dry way (where he is, in fact, being droll). Lol I love it! His thing is to make fun of my "not paying attention" to either movies or surroundings, being easily distracted, procrastinating, and so on. I don't mind and he doesn't seem to mind my name calling either.

And I love the word stupid, but only about things, not people. "That's stupid" never "you're stupid." And he's picked up on that one, he calls stuff stupid now. LOL

Only once has he ever told me to "fook off," it was playful, but I don't like that one. I gasped and said that wasn't nice! He's never said it since. "Fook you" better not ever be directed towards me or there will be hell to pay.

But none of those things have a place in an arguement. He seems to be the same. When he's happy he curses all the time, the more upset he gets, the fewer he uses those words.

We don't critisize how we each do a particular job, we both offer a lot of suggestions, but know there is more than one way to skin a cat. Haven't really had a time where either of us have gotten our panties in a bunch. Not to say it won't happen one day. We praise each other a lot for our various accomplishments and good fortune. I do especially, tell him how smart/handy/hard working/funny/cute he is. And I mean it, I'm not stroking his ego.

 

[Wastinglight]

And I love the word stupid, but only about things, not people. "That's stupid" never "you're stupid." And he's picked up on that one, he calls stuff stupid now. LOL

Yes, this is an important distinction as well. Addressing the behaviour/statement instead of the person is often a good way to bring up issues without the other person feeling that you are launching a personal attack.

 

[The Albatross]

Tater and I call each other names. Actually, now that I think about it, I do much more than he does. But they're terms of endearment and playful; brat, retard, snot, little shit, etc..

With all due respect I think I'd self examine that. It is after all modeling behavior for children. Perhaps, the dynamic will change when you consider changing.

I actually got called out on this by my spouse... my family of origin and my own brand of "funny" was not necessarily fun or funny. I quit.

 

[Sighs]

I clench my jaw a lot to prevent me opening my mouth as I have learnt that firing up back is just counter productive.

I agree with the comments above about how it "should" be, but I'm focused on how it actually is. And how it is - is that my man suffers from amygdala hijacks (see the supporter video link posted by @anthony). When he is stressed he sprays verbal abuse at whatever is around him - the road, the vehicle, the dog, and unfortunately me. Once his frontal lobes manage to wrest back control he is fine.

Yes, its unpleasant for me, but no amount of talking or 'setting boundaries' is going to prevent it. So I either remove myself until he has calmed down or clench my jaw and get on with the job at hand. Sigh!

 

[Wastinglight]

I agree with the comments above about how it "should" be, but I'm focused on how it actually is.

Agreed, but the fact remains that if something like this is causing one person continuing stress (or distress) in a relationship, it must be dealt with in some way, otherwise it will lead to feelings of resentment, etc and may eventually result in the demise of the relationship.

Having this forum to vent on (so as to release some tension and get support) is a godsend for many of us, but in my opinion, both people still need to find a way to make the situation more tolerable. Surely the odds of the relationship surviving are not good if this does not happen?

Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Just speaking from personal experience.