Maybe I'm just too much of a mama hen, but people say "what about yourself?" Or "but this isn't fair to you.." You know what? Life wasn't fair to my man. He shouldn't have to suffer with this monster of a disease, all because he decided on public service.
Abso-freakin-lutely! I swear you are not a mama hen. We just look at things differently than others do. I was able to explain things better to some friends over the weekend by using visible medical illness as an example. I asked them if they knew anyone with cancer. I asked them how they would react if their friend with cancer was feeling unsociable on their sicker days. I asked how they would react if their friend had an adverse reaction to the medications they were taking, or if the medications stopped working. What about when the cancer sufferers are feeling down in the dumps because they're afraid that they might die, and they struggle because they don't have control of the situation? Many times people lash out in illness because they feel so helpless. Do we hold it against them? NO!
They were very sympathetic and so I said the same thing. PTSD needs to be treated like an illness. They didn't choose this. They have a medical situation where their bodies are in fight or flight mode all the time. I then asked them if they remember how they felt the last time they were in fight or flight. I said imagine feeling that 24x7, where sometimes it is so overwhelming you are just working on getting through your day by day.
I struggle with the fact that people assume that my level of dedication to my vet means that I am not taking care of myself. I eat healthy, I exercise, I spend time with friends and family, I have hobbies, AND (not but) when my vet is Zero Dark Thirty, I support him and worry about him, and care for him (I use Zero Dark Thirty because it removes the stigma by sounding like he's on a mission rather than suffering from an illness - I have IRL PTSD Support Groups in multiple states using that term now lol).
What about me? As my warrior puts it, I'm living for both of us. He told me that I live for him. Not in the sense that I have given up my life to take care of him, but more like I'm out there doing the living, when he is Zero Dark Thirty and can't. I come back and share stories and pictures of the events I attended and it allows him to focus on something else for a time.
He specifically tells me (and now all of my support groups are quoting him on this too) that "you do you, I'll do me, and it'll be all good" which basically means that he needs to do what he needs to do to take care of himself (meetings, therapy, meds, treatment, etc) and I need to do my own things to take care of myself (support groups, work, spending time with loved ones, hobbies, volunteering, etc) and that as long as we're willing to do the work, we can be successful.
Good luck and remember that part of taking care of yourself means setting boundaries. This includes with friends and with regard to conversations. I had a friend this weekend projecting her own relationship issues onto me about my vet. I cut her off mid-sentence and said "this conversation has to stop now. My relationship is not what yours was. My guy is not your ex and he's not doing what your ex did to you and I won't discuss this anymore."
What I've realized is that when you set boundaries, one of two things will happen:
1. The people will accept them and work with you within your boundaries
2. The people will cut and run, at which point, you realize you don't need them in your life anyway
It is a good way to weed out your real friends from those who aren't true to you.
Good luck with everything! Stay strong.
