General Sufferer Could Care Less About His Daughter

[Livy's Mom]

I'm raging mad. I assume since this is my only child and happens to be with a man with PTSD that many woman experience this even without PTSD being a factor but like I said I am raging pissed off.

It's been 3 weeks since he woke up one morning and just decided he didn't love me and moved out.

I have been able to put aside my anger and confusion and desire to retaliate and have truly truly been calm and reasonable. I never begged or pleaded or asked why, I never pushed him. I left him alone.

What I don't understand is that if this is all about him not wanting to be with me then why in 3 weeks has he only seen his daughter 3 times, each of them being less than an hour and all feeling like it was an inconvenience!!!

I have made a point to leave when he comes or go keep myself busy somewhere else so he can't use me as an excuse as to why he can't spend time with her!!

This past Sunday I text him to approach the conversation and say she can't have you just popping in and out like this whenever it's convenient for you and on most of the points I made he agreed with exception of course to ALL of the parts of parenting that make it hard. Flat out refused to make an effort to see her everyday even though he is staying with his uncle up the road, refused to split daily responsibility of daycare pick up and drop off and basically all things of that nature.

He agreed to finally start contributing financially but I'd honestly rather he keep his money than act like he's doing me a favor by doing it!!!

Tonight he called and said he was stopping over to see her. He came and they did a puzzle together For all of 10min and I thought well this is good, maybe I should go for a ride alone and breathe... So I said I'll be back and he said well I need to go and take a shower so I don't know how long you were planning to be gone... I just said forget it and told my daughter it was almost time for bath. He ran the water and put her in and said ok baby I'll see you soon... Then left.

That was it.

I can't even describe my anger. I sometimes feel like it would be better if he just never came back. Would she be better off!!!!

 

[nursenurse]

Spell things out legally. The coming and going does no one any good. If he does not take advantage of visitation rights hen so be it, you are not an open door begging for him to walk in. It is clear that an open arrangement is not working and keeps you beholden to him physically and emotionally at the drop of a hat. Always, always, always, walk the high road yourself. Never bad mouth him. But do not run yourself ragged trying to force the kind of relationship with your child that you would like to see. Get a separation agreement with visitation and support. And stick to it. Don't do it yourself without a lawyer, very few of these kinds of arrangements work without decent legal counsel. Good luck. Wishing you and your daughter peace.

 

[Sighs]

No PTSD involved in my relationship with my daughter's father but, yes, I too discovered that apparently fatherhood is optional even after you have a child. Motherhood somehow is not.

My daughter's father refuses to acknowledge her special needs, objected to me scheduling her therapy session on his weekends as he didn't want to drive her there and didn't want it 'eating into' his time with her (as opposed to - I don't know - actually getting involved, speaking to the therapist about the issues?), never took her to school, refused to attend after school activities even when he was living two blocks from the venue etc etc.

He moved away when she was 12 for work. No-one batted an eyelid. I moved away from her when she was 16, also for work but I am seen as an awful abandoning mother. (She remained in the care of my parents not her father.)

Just focus on being the best mother you can be and do not take responsibility for the kind of father he is. My daughter is almost 18 and has a good relationship with both of us. Believe it or not it works out in the end.

 

[Friday]

Unless parents are good friends, and usually a few years out... Completely give up on the idea of splitting daily childcare duties, or seeing him every day. That's not gonna happen, even without PTSD, much less if you spend 3 hours puking and shaking and trying not to kill yourself each and every single time you have to walk away from your kid. When the pain of leaving them hurts so much you'd rather not see them at all. When you are not parenting anymore, but just visiting*.

*This is a big part of why the other parent has absolutely no legal say in what happens during the other parent's custodial time. They can put them in daycare 16 hours a day & refuse all access (except 1 phonecall per day, which is a common thing in most parenting plans) to the other parent, even when the other parent would gladly take them during those hours. Have a new girlfriend every day of the week. Let them stay up until midnight, not bathe more than once a week, eat candy for breakfast... Much less the minor differences in parenting most parents will hit the roof over. The moment custody splits, neither parent has any say whatsoever in how the other parent chooses to parent their child, or who they spend time with, when, or where... Unless it's spelled out in the parenting plan (mine for example, has a lifetime -until 18yo- no contact order with my ex's mother, and he's not allowed to be taken within 200 meters of anyone who is a known pedophile or gang member - that addendum cost me roughly 15k to get in there). Even if the other parent is straight up abusive? You no longer have the right to take your child away from them or refuse access. It's kidnapping / custodial interference. You have to go through the police & CPS just like your child is a stranger to you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My ex doesn't have PTSD, and he just straight up buggered off. Haven't seen him for years, and he has called maybe 3 or 4 times since then. He couldn't even be bother to come to his oldest child's graduation... even after said kid sucked it up and sent him an engraved invitation.

He was a decent dad when we were together... I don't know what happened. He has unlimited visitation, and the kids each have a cell phone, email address, and facebook pages. He doesn't even have to deal with me. I never denied him visitation or fought with him... I think part of it is he remarried and his wife doesn't like my kids, or even his other child by another woman. He's the asshole, though, for letting his current wife talk him out of all his children that aren't by her.

I don't get it either.

 

[Livy's Mom]

No PTSD involved in my relationship with my daughter's father but, yes, I too discovered that apparently fatherhood is optional even after you have a child. Motherhood somehow is not.

It is THIS exactly that has me furious.

I had my first visit with the lawyer this past Friday and am prepared to put everything together legally but was urged to hold off just another week or so due to a planned intervention by his family. They felt any action on my part may derail the process. I waited out of courtesy to them and the last shred of hope I have left in my body that the man and father we once knew is in there.

That intervention is scheduled for today. I'm not participating in it by choice and I'm fully ready to move forward legally if it fails but sweet lord almighty am I mad!

Thanks for the responses and support. Sometimes I feel there is only so much I can dump on family and friends before I become a crazed nuisance if you know what I mean.

Phew... Looking forward to a more peaceful day today. I wish you all the same.

 

[Stickler]

...Am nodding and thinking it would be best if he had defined days in which care is supposed to be his job. His duties need to be court-defined.

So were I you, I would file for divorce, in order to get those parental duties defined by a court.
However, I have trust issues, so taking him back after him leaving would not happen for me. Maybe you would if he asked?

ATM, I'm guessing he's isolating, highly symptomatic, probably depressed...it's going to take a while for him to work on management.
My thought is...that you tell him what you expect out of him as a dad and when you expect him to be able to pull that off by?
Tell him you get that he may need to work on managing his PTSD and/or other things to meet that goal?
I myself would give him 6 months-but-flexible on the visitation thing?
...Meaning he's got his symptoms sorta ok, has a safe place for her to sleep, can spend time with her.

I'm assuming that your divorce case will still be pending, but I might be wrong. Divorce law varies somewhat.

 

[Sighs]

It makes no difference if you get a court to define his duties. What will the court do about it when he fails to show up to collect his child? Absolutely nothing.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep @Sighs

 

[Stickler]

What will the court do about it when he fails to show up to collect his child?

Oh, not saying he'll do any of them.
...if he can't or won't, he won't.
It just gives him boundaries and a clear role definition if he chooses to fulfill it?

You wouldn't want to force someone to look after a child when they did not want to.
My dad resented having any responsibility for me...but he was scared of mom, so guess who got the hits?