When I'm Feeling Good, I Find It Hard To Explain The Feeling Bad, But Need To

[ghotiff]

My problems are very intermittent which in a way is great, but it causes problems with therapy and explaining myself to others. Does anyone else have this, and how do you manage it.

For example, 2 days ago I had a really bad day and booked a urgent T appointment for today. But today, I'm okay so I don't see the point of going. I know I had a bad day, but I'll struggle to explain it and I'll feel like a hypochondriac by discussing it.

Any thoughts on how to get past this hurdle?

 

[Tinyflame]

This is probably not entirely the same & not that helpful- hopefully someone will come along. I don't have those good times (yet-?), but I call it the Haircut Syndrome: the day I'm getting a haircut is the only day it will look good/ be easy/ make me doubt, even if it's impossible to manage every other day. (I consider it's my hair's last chance to try to save itself. ;) )

Seriously though, in a similar way, I fear going to the Dr. Despite myself when there I'll have any or all symptoms 'vanish', plus I 'forget' to speak up. Even if I'm a little green around the edges. (I truly swear I really could walk out on a broken leg if I had too.) I think it comes from I'm so desirous of getting out I'll do (or 'be', unconsciously) or say whatever it takes to get out of there.

If that's underlying your trouble too, I guess being honest like you have here might overcome denial or dissociation in the moment enough to relay the actual truth to your T.

FWIW, it's better to have reprieves from the terrible 'experiencing' of the feeling of the fear. I have trouble shaking that. (But I think I would feel the same in your situation, or respond the same).

Some of it may be also feeling you 'should' or must do it (even if you can't), +/ or an inability to say no (no right to, etc), or lack of self care.

@ghotiff how do you feel about doing it/ not doing it/ not being able to do it/ asking your T for help? Etc.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @Junebug

It's denial. Just seeing that word in your text made me "see" it. My parents were/are in denial about the abuse so I had to hide any and all symptoms from it. I learned that it's easier to delude yourself than actively hide things and "act" for others. I also learnt how to "suck it up" and "push through" almost anything (including the abuse). I've been tracking some of my symptoms recently and discovering through this that they are far more frequent than I thought.

How I feel about asking for help? Horrible is the only word I can think of. I asked for help so many times as a child just to be ignored/rejected etc.....

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I had an inkling you felt that way. I 'get it'. :( (And when you used the term 'hypochondriac' too. No btw I'm sure you're not. :hug: )

Just a thought, could you write down how you feel in a journal on those days & bring it & show them? (Along with saying what you said here?)

Hugs to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I also learnt how to "suck it up" and "push through" almost anything (including the abuse)

How I feel about asking for help? Horrible.. I asked for help so many times as a child just to be ignored/rejected etc.....

I remembered @ghotiff many years ago having to call the cops. I found out the next day from one cop's partner that (according to her) "he had felt so badly for that woman (me), that there was nothing he could do". And that he had talked all day about it, & was there something he could do? So (we) may think of asking for help as horrible, but not everyone else feels that way about being able to provide it.But they can't even try if you won't tell them the truth or let them in.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to try to explain myself so that others would understand me and it always had bad results and I just ended up looking foolish and felt bad about it.

I like Junebugs idea to write it down on the bad days and take it into therapy with you. I had good results doing that myself. I write better than I speak anyway.

I no longer try to explain myself to anyone anymore in trying to be understood, because that was a failed experiment. I find with the healthy friends I have, there is no need to explain myself. I feel a lot better about being me.

I think you are normal in having bad and good days, and I have done in therapy what you wrote about.

Now on truly bad days, I find myself calling hot lines and get suggestions in how to get myself to feel better.

I wish you the best in this and I trust that you will find out what best works for you.

 

[Ocean5]

Just a thought, could you write down how you feel in a journal on those days & bring it & show them?

I would blank out too. Then I'd leave office thinking I forgot to stay so much. But as a kid I was always taught to make things look normal.

I started keeping a notepad for topic notes I wanted to cover. Then I progressed to writing things out fully. Then I could just read, and not forget so much....

 

[ghotiff]

It's interesting watching my reactions to all your helpful comments. The idea of writing it out grates at me, I think because it breaks my bubble of denial. Clearly this is something to work towards.

I need some paperwork from my T and she will write some. She mentioned putting PTSD on it. Previously when I had asked about that as a diagnosis she evaded the question, which frustrated me. But now it's likely to come, I'm not sure how I'll feel if it is diagnosed.

Im starting to see that I really believe I'm a hypochondriac about my issues. I've had a rough recent 6mths and haven't been able to work but even that I doubt and feel I'm being lazy etc. When my husband comments that I can't work (and means it, rather than just a random type comment) it's seems really weird.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I understand. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

From what you said, i do not believe that you are a hypocondriac. I think you are doing the best you can with what you currently know.

 

[Ocean5]

believe I'm a hypochondriac about my issues. I've had a rough recent 6mths

I suffered a great loss awhile back. I ended up in Urgent Care. I saw doc wrote on his notes anxiety disorder, and referral to psychiatrist. When he came back in I asked, "is my PTSD that obvious?" I was self self-diagnoses up till then. Then he showed me chart showing under it said "due to grieving." But psychiatrist said grieving and PTSD. Sometimes it helps to get what you know, or suspect, validated by professional.

Sometimes bad events in your life can reawakening, or bring, PTSD full force. I never imagined it could get this bad...

 

[ghotiff]

I read my paperwork and apparently I was diagnosed with PTSD a while ago. It feels strange. Last night I didn't believe they had done enough to confirm that diagnosis.