Does Anyone Else Have A Hard Time Shopping For Clothes?

[Powder]

I'm feeling a bit isolated over this issue. My parents were both medical and both abusive.

My mom was always really guilt inducing about having to provide me and my sister with clothes. We were treated pretty much like the heroine's of fairy tales with an evil stepmother, only it was our actual mother.

We were given only very cheap, clearance items that did not fit or match. She cut our hair or took us to a school to be a guinea pig. We looked pretty much like someone to bully, and we were sometimes bullied or avoided because kids thought we were very poor. We lived in a huge new custom home and our parents had anything they wanted.

Once I received an ugly, illfitting but warm purple coat that was $2 at a consignment store for children. I didn't show enough appreciation for it, I suspect. It was given to a child for charity and I ended up with no coat all winter. People assumed it was my fault because they don't think that wealthy people abuse and neglect their kids.

I experience panic and inability to think when I go shopping. I need clothes all the time, and I have enough money to buy something I need, but I get overwhelmed by emotion at the mere thought of going shopping for myself. I have a lot of really old clothes because I can't bring myself to throw them out or go get what I need.

This has gotten severely bad to where I have rec'd bags of clothes, as my mother did, as charity. I think that perhaps I am stuck as a child and cannot move past wanting to be reparented and to have someone else buy or give the item for me. I feel I am not worth the cost of clothes still, like I was raised to think.

I Don't know. I feel shame of my body from the incest rapes and being sold as a child sex slave and the way my mother made me feel like a shameful burden my entire life. I feel deeply unhappy when I think of wanting clothes and feel very guilty for wanting to look nice.

Does anyone relate and how do I begin to deal with this?

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I totally relate. I have no answers for myself yet. Even getting dressed in the morning (and god help me if I have to socialize, because then I have to actually look decent), is a big stress for me. No idea at this point where this comes from for me. I have carte blanch to buy whatever I want and I just can't bring myself to do it. Overwhelming looking at racks of clothes, I walk out of the store with nothing and feeling defeated.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I used to feel the same. I used to feel guilty for clothes, or trying to wear make up. Or just taking the time to do something for myself.

Honestly what I did was I started reading blogs about fashion and make up to just get used to the idea in my head. I don't heavily follow fashion even now but the idea that clothes and self care was normal mostly came from me watching these blogs and videos and getting used to self care step by step.

 

[Fadeaway]

My therapist has noticed I only wear about 5 different outfits. Yup, I have a seriously hard time with guilt. My grandmother was very bitter about spending money on me. She would tell me how as a kid during the great depression she only had one dress and 3 pinafores to go over that dress.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I don't know if it's for the same reasons, but I relate a lot. I haven't really bought new clothes in 3 years now, and mostly wear the same fading jeans and whatnot. When I did go shopping once last year I was having severe panic attacks in the dressing room and had to leave. I figure it's wrapped up in having to declare an identity or something. I don't really know.

This is slightly off-topic, but sometimes I like that I can sit in like the bookstore and I look like disheveled PTSD guy, with my scraggly too-lazy-to-shave beard and clothes all needing ironing. Like I'm invisible. No one will bother me or care who I am.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I look like disheveled PTSD guy, with my scraggly too-lazy-to-shave beard and clothes all needing ironing. Like I'm invisible. No one will bother me or care who I am.

This is a very good point @Jemini. I think part of the reason I didn't always practice healthy self care was because I was so used to that invisible feeling that would come along with no self care. I was invisible and that was 'safe' and normal.

 

[Crow]

I've had this same issue too. I freaked out when just stepping foot in anything but the cheapest store. I'm not sure what happened but therapy recently has gone into light speed healing and two weeks ago I walked into Macy's and bought designer clothes with only a slight panic attack. And I wear a size at the top of what they carry which somehow adds to the anxiety.

Up till now if I bought new clothes (very rare) I only bought online.

 

[Powder]

Thank you each for your replies. Does it sound like it's related to anxiety mostly?

I wonder if just getting anxiety levels down first would be helpful, along with having a plan, like Ayesha said to get a particular type of thing.

 

[Born to Run]

Would it help you to buy clothes online? Maybe less pressure. I agree with having a plan being helpful.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I had a similar upbringing in the sense of my parents being cheap (they bought a whole lot of stuff for themselves, but economized on me). I can´t remember much of it but my family has told me I walked around in worn out clothes and remember always being cold in winter.

Maybe you can start with something small? Like nice socks. No one sees your socks but they can still be socks you like. Or a scarf. And then wear it at home, at first. For example.

 

[jaccat]

I had similar trouble. I didn't buy myself any new clothes for about four years. When I started seeing my T most of my clothes had holes in them. For me it was all about feeling I deserved to have new things, or nice things, or anything at all. It was a huge struggle to challenge that feeling. I started really small- my T challenged me to choose a different breakfast cereal to the one I always bought. Just standing in the aisles and looking at them I felt like everyone was staring at me! It took me three or four goes before I managed to get through the checkout.

The next challenge was a little bigger, and then the next and so on. I went through a stage of 'snatch and grab', seeing things I liked and having to buy them before I had a chance to talk myself out of them, but after a while it got easier and I began to feel less guilty about treating myself.

Don't know if you relate to any of that. I think starting small sounds like a good idea. I was going to suggest socks myself.

 

[Powder]

Just standing in the aisles and looking at them I felt like everyone was staring at me! It took me three or four goes before I managed to get through the checkout.

The next challenge was a little bigger, and then the next and so on. I went through a stage of 'snatch and grab',

Yes, I relate to all of that @jaccat

I like the idea of starting small because I know I have to do that.

I have a lot of trouble with knowing my own size and feeling things too much rather than just thinking when it comes to dressing in the morning. This has improved somewhat now that my role is more straightforward.

I don't think it helps that I wore a uniform in high school, and before that it was all picked out for me. After high school, I had no money and what I did have, I was saving for college. In college I had the easiest time buying clothes because I had a beautiful body that anything would look wonderful on. It simplified things. I could buy a clearance skirt that would be fine. Now, cheap looks terrible on my middle age body. I'm confused about my image and money is still tight.