Relationship Need Help

[Deleted member 20978]

Get away. Sorry, I know it feels a million times more complex than that. But she sounds like bad news. Others are right too, if she is not seeking help, she is not going to get better. It sounds to me like you still have some of your self intact. Get away while that is still true is my advice.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

she wants me to come back but only if i agree to pay her house and car off.

Sorry, but WTF?! This is not about PTSD.

You need to stay away, for your own sake.

She thinks she's healed, so she's not going to make any effort to get help or to change.

Seriously, you need to protect yourself.

 

[The Albatross]

How do you get out? You say "No" and mean it, seek counseling and mentorship and realize that a life alone or alone for a while is preferable to the abuse/control or manipulative behavior. My partner... it was easy. I wanted to keep breathing (he was violent - physically, sexually and verbal/emotionally abusive and controlling).

So far as the wanting to pay off her house and car, and giving assets ($6K) to her daughter... it seems she is cashing out and doing her utmost to get what she can before the relationship is over. This is a whole lot more than PTSD.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It sounds as if she values your wallet more than your love.

Also, if you left, why is she making demands of you? If she was concerned about the relationship, she should be working hard to better herself, to be a better partner to you, or to win you back.

Let me ask you this... What's to say if you do pay off her house and car that she's not going to toss you out afterwards?

Please look out for yourself.

 

[Miss Lissa]

Wow! It's very hard not to judge.

There are some things that are worth putting up with (low moods, etc.), but this financial stuff is a biggie. And it sound a bit manipulative to me, whether that's her intent or not. Even if her behaviour is a consequence of her PTSD, it's still inconsiderate and financially damaging.
What worries me is that she doesn't seem to consider you at all.
My sufferer, even at his lowest points, will be aware of how his behaviour affects me ("You deserve better!") and be frustrated that he can't be a more stable and supportive partner. That she's asking you for money is a big red flag to me. My man feels bad that I work and he doesn't (because of PTSD), he doesn't expect it.

Best of luck. This woman needs a lot of help, but I'm not sure that it's the healthiest thing for you to me the one to help her. Not if she's not willing to set boundaries and expectations.

 

[Gadgie]

Quote..."She texted me today and said that she wants me to come back but only if i agree to pay her house and car off. She bought the house and car before we were married."

I would walk away right now, as that sounds too much like what I went through with my divorce! Many years ago now.

It sounds like, a "divorce settlement," even before you get married? Honestly, I would call it a day, you didn't need all that, she sounds totally insecure and appears to put material things before any thing else?........Just like my first wife!

 

[Deleted member 20978]

What worries me is that she doesn't seem to consider you at all

I acknowledge I may be projecting based on my own experience, but this is really the bottom line in everything you've described. If she's skilled at manipulation and in particular gaslighting, you may have lost some tethers to common sense ideas, questioning as you are whether her behavior is excusable or not. But a VERY basic litmus test is if you were to ask *her*, hey wait a minute, what about my needs? What about my finances? What about trust, commitment, fairness?... If you are asking her anything specific and laying out how you feel, if she does *anything* other than consider and respond to that point of view, get away. She is not obligated to share your perspective, but she IS obligated by the universal rules of healthy relationships to give a f*ck what your perspective is. And ideally address it. Based on all you have said, I'd bet not only does she not address it, but has you confused as to whether your fears are justified about her.

So again, I may be projecting. But the rule still holds: she has to care what you feel. If she is good at evading the fact that she doesn't, that's a seriously huge red flag. And if she does care, it's not clear from anything you've posted here. In my experience such a person will only push the envelope more and more, taking more and more, making you question more and more if the dynamic is fair.

 

[Justmehere]

If you place your happiness on her getting help, you will always be miserable.

All you can do, is to seek out support for you to heal from what she is doing and learn how to set boundaries about what you will and will not accept and how you will respond when she is out of control.

If there is any chance for her to hit her own rock bottom, it is for you to set limits.

Unfortunately, 7 pervious marriages (of 2 months each?) sounds like she is either lying and or that many others have tried to set limits and left.

Don't stay based on the hope she will change.

Have you tried talking to anyone in your church about this? I think she is manipulating the role of belief is God and ways to follow Him in huge ways.

It will be painful to walk away or do whatever you need to do, but all the more reason to keep reaching out and seek out your own support. Anyone would find this hard.