My Toddler Is Triggering Me...

[Sandstone]

I desperately want to lash out but I can't, he's little and doesn't understand.

If you have suffered unreasonable harshness and "discipline" in your life, it is easy to think there is nothing between doormat and attacker, that any sort of control you put on your child will harm them and distress them. The opposite is true, we need to do them the honour of teaching them boundaries and control.
If there are no limits, a child HAS to go on pushing until they find them, and as they get older they push further and harder. So you would be helping both of you if you said, in a calm voice, "You are not allowed to hit Mummy. If you do it again you will have to sit on the naughty chair" and then do it as soon as it happens. My children are grown up, and say they were afraid of that chair, but never of me. We have a good, open, loving, relationship.

 

[AEW]

Hi Stenni, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't know there's a middle ground. My childhood wasn't bad. The thing that scares me is when I'm for example lying down and before I know it, my son is sitting on me whacking me in the head with a toy train. I barely register its my son. I use to wake up to being thrown into walls by my ex... so that's what my mind thinks is happening in the moment. I'm not really here for parenting advice - i'm here because there's a part of my mind that is constantly on guard and trying to process a whole bunch of stuff that I don't know what to do with. I need tools for PTSD not parenting.

 

[BlueOrange]

The thing that scares me is when I'm for example lying down and before I know it, my son is sitting on me whacking me in the head with a toy train. I barely register its my son.

That sounds scary. What you haven't done is describe how you behave in that 'barely registering' situation. The impact on your son is going to come from your behaviour, not from your feelings. If you've just woken up (which is a pretty vulnerable state to begin with), then that's a good 'low water mark' for how you'll handle things.

So, if you responded with disproportionate violence, then you need to be talking to a therapist about that. If you responded with something like "Ow! Don't do that!" then that strikes me as a perfectly healthy response - he needs to learn that hitting you with hard objects is hurtful behaviour that he shouldn't do.

You've got PTSD, but you've presented a parenting problem. And parenting by people with PTSD is not really different from parenting by others - we need to do the same things. The way that we get to doing the same things might be more difficult due to emotional regulation, but the thing we always try to get right first is the behaviour. If you get your behaviours right, then the feelings eventually come around.

 

[Ocean5]

@AEW

i'm here because there's a part of my mind that is constantly on guard and trying to process a whole bunch of stuff that I don't know what to do with. I need tools for PTSD not parenting.

Is there something you can do after to get adrenaline level down? Exercise bike? Stretch bands? Dumbbells? Even long hot shower.

 

[Ocean5]

Oh, I'm a guy and everyone is different. I like the chest expander resistance bands (shorter ones.) I don't like the full body stretch bands. But when I can't leave apartment I find helpful, or middle of night, plus easy to travel with. Plus plenty of different exercises you can do with those shorter stretch bands for upper body.

 

[Shasta'sJourney]

Just here to say I empathize. My kids are very physical (4 rowdy boys), which is wonderfully fun and also horrible at the same time. One of my biggest triggers is having anything (especially hands) anywhere near my neck, and little arms naturally fit perfectly around necks. Sometimes I am present enough to calmly (after the initial internal jump reaction) redirect their hands to a better spot, but there have been times when I wasn't fully present, or they came up behind me, and my reactions have been over the top. Thankfully, I've been able to resist the urge to throw them across the room, but I have scared them. When that happens, I make sure to hug and comfort them as soon as I am able. I am sure that this is at least somewhat damaging to them, but I have to remind myself that it is the best I can do right now, and no child grows up completely free from damage. I always affirm that they didn't do anything wrong, Mommy was just startled. It seems to help them to know that they are not the problem. So sorry you are going through this. Knowing it affects your kids makes everything so much worse.

 

[AEW]

Just here to say I empathize. My kids are very physical (4 rowdy boys), which is wonderfully fun...

Thank you, Shasta. It means a lot strangely that you empathize. I don't feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me anymore. It's scary and its hard. Being a parent is hard, being a parent with PTSD is harder. Being a single parent with PTSD and no support from family and friends - it frightens the life out of me some days.

 

[AEW]

That sounds scary. What you haven't done is describe how you behave in that 'barely registering' sit...

Thank you for taking the time to respond. My reactions are usually yelling and pushing him back when I haven't registered yet. I don't want him to be afraid of me but I don't want him to think its okay to be so rough. Some of the anger is just at my old demon, my body has never been the same and my neck slips out of place a lot especially now I have a young child. I guess I'm angry that it still affects the quality of my life and even angrier that my child is having this in his experience at all. Swallowing my rage is so hard, and no one around me thinks its moderately understandable that I still even think of that time (only 3 years this year). I'm grateful I have my music and writing to vent into. But sometimes even that is choked by shame and numbness.

 

[AEW]

@AEW


Is there something you can do after to get adrenaline level down? Exercise bike...

Showers and singing helps and yoga when I do it. Maybe something a bit more cardio might be better for that?

 

[BlueOrange]

It really does sound like you're doing all the right things. Your impact on others is determined by what you do. I hope your discomfort is reduced over time.