Okay, fair warning, this is a rant. And when I get into this ranting state of mind, I don't always make sense, sometimes it's just a bunch of compacted frustration and confusion. BUT
I was abused by my parents. My mother continues to be emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative at times, although I also think in some ways she has mellowed out in her age now. My father was physically and sexually abusive.
But something I have run into with multiple therapists is this totally jacked up double-message that goes basically like this:
1. It's not your parents fault that they acted that way.
2. You can change.
Whenever I run into this paradox in therapy, it just makes me want to throw a chair through the window.
Here are my problems with it:
First of all, I think that's often how abuse gets perpetuated in families. Children naturally want to love their parents and see their parents as good, and so will often try to justify or excuse their parents' abusive behaviors. This creates the notion in the child's mind that abuse can be justified or excused. It might not be apparent, it might be some subtle thing buried in the subconscious mind, but the notion is there. As an adult, that child might try to be a good person, but that notion will still be with them, as it has been with them their entire life, and that notion can taint everything from the treacherous depths of their subconscious mind. Trying to fight against it without understanding what they are up against will likely lead to cognitive dissonance issues. I think that when it comes to stopping the abuse cycle in families, it is basically ESSENTIAL that there are NO double-standards for the survivor and their parents (or whoever it was). Abuse is never justifiable, it is never excusable. Period. And if that means you need to acknowledge that one or more of your caregivers growing up engaged in behavior that was absolutely inexcusable, then so be it.
Second, you cannot sit there and tell a patient that their parents were never capable of change, self-control, introspection or anything else, but the patient is. Even if it only happens on a subconscious level, no patient is so stupid as to not recognize that you are making no god damned sense. And the actual message that gets conveyed there becomes, "You can't change, you are doomed, you can't help yourself." Which is a load of shit. And once again, if someone tries to actually embrace this paradoxical nonsense, it's probably just going to cause cognitive dissonance problems.
"My father couldn't help the way he acted, because he had a bad childhood. But even though I had a bad childhood, I can control myself and improve as a person."
What are these people even thinking? These are highly intelligent people with freakin masters degrees. How in the world do they not recognize how nonsensical this is.
Now I will try play devil's advocate to the best of my ability. Maybe the angle they are taking is that previous generations didn't have as much easy access to mental health care.
Well sorry but NOPE, doesn't fly. Because I didn't get any help for YEARS, and I still never assaulted anyone or tried to mentally abuse someone into the ground. And my childhood was significantly WORSE than at least one of my parents, as far as I know. The other's may have actually been just bad, though.
What I have done is hurt some people at times without realizing it or wanting to. BUT I DID. I hurt some people emotionally because I have issues. And it's NOT OKAY. My bad childhood is not an excuse for it. It sure as hell doesn't mean that it's okay for me to keep my head in the sand and just charge forward in life not giving a damn if I hurt people. Not only is it not okay, but I can CHANGE. In fact, I have changed over the years, slowly but surely, while trying to be as mindful as possible and learn from my screw-ups. I have even apologized to people and validated them as far as how they had every right to be upset, because I acted like an assmonkey.
And I want to change even more. But sometimes that feels extra difficult, when I have therapists who make no freakin sense and act more concerned about excusing nd white knighting my parents than helping me heal.
Okay rant over.
I was abused by my parents. My mother continues to be emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative at times, although I also think in some ways she has mellowed out in her age now. My father was physically and sexually abusive.
But something I have run into with multiple therapists is this totally jacked up double-message that goes basically like this:
1. It's not your parents fault that they acted that way.
2. You can change.
Whenever I run into this paradox in therapy, it just makes me want to throw a chair through the window.
Here are my problems with it:
First of all, I think that's often how abuse gets perpetuated in families. Children naturally want to love their parents and see their parents as good, and so will often try to justify or excuse their parents' abusive behaviors. This creates the notion in the child's mind that abuse can be justified or excused. It might not be apparent, it might be some subtle thing buried in the subconscious mind, but the notion is there. As an adult, that child might try to be a good person, but that notion will still be with them, as it has been with them their entire life, and that notion can taint everything from the treacherous depths of their subconscious mind. Trying to fight against it without understanding what they are up against will likely lead to cognitive dissonance issues. I think that when it comes to stopping the abuse cycle in families, it is basically ESSENTIAL that there are NO double-standards for the survivor and their parents (or whoever it was). Abuse is never justifiable, it is never excusable. Period. And if that means you need to acknowledge that one or more of your caregivers growing up engaged in behavior that was absolutely inexcusable, then so be it.
Second, you cannot sit there and tell a patient that their parents were never capable of change, self-control, introspection or anything else, but the patient is. Even if it only happens on a subconscious level, no patient is so stupid as to not recognize that you are making no god damned sense. And the actual message that gets conveyed there becomes, "You can't change, you are doomed, you can't help yourself." Which is a load of shit. And once again, if someone tries to actually embrace this paradoxical nonsense, it's probably just going to cause cognitive dissonance problems.
"My father couldn't help the way he acted, because he had a bad childhood. But even though I had a bad childhood, I can control myself and improve as a person."
What are these people even thinking? These are highly intelligent people with freakin masters degrees. How in the world do they not recognize how nonsensical this is.
Now I will try play devil's advocate to the best of my ability. Maybe the angle they are taking is that previous generations didn't have as much easy access to mental health care.
Well sorry but NOPE, doesn't fly. Because I didn't get any help for YEARS, and I still never assaulted anyone or tried to mentally abuse someone into the ground. And my childhood was significantly WORSE than at least one of my parents, as far as I know. The other's may have actually been just bad, though.
What I have done is hurt some people at times without realizing it or wanting to. BUT I DID. I hurt some people emotionally because I have issues. And it's NOT OKAY. My bad childhood is not an excuse for it. It sure as hell doesn't mean that it's okay for me to keep my head in the sand and just charge forward in life not giving a damn if I hurt people. Not only is it not okay, but I can CHANGE. In fact, I have changed over the years, slowly but surely, while trying to be as mindful as possible and learn from my screw-ups. I have even apologized to people and validated them as far as how they had every right to be upset, because I acted like an assmonkey.
And I want to change even more. But sometimes that feels extra difficult, when I have therapists who make no freakin sense and act more concerned about excusing nd white knighting my parents than helping me heal.
Okay rant over.
