Relationship Why Do They Lie And Nit Pick?

[Jons99]

Ex GF said she needed space, I didn't understand and kept pushing for contact... She was in a bad marriage, she told me once she would rather be alone than open up to me..

She said she is seeing someone else (her friend says she is not)... And then when I asked why she is leaving, she said we aren't compatible and when I asked how, she said I like HS football (I coach)...

Then she said it just upset her too much that I invited a kid over to her house without her permission.. That happened in Sept, one of the kids on my team was watching his brothers youth football game, asked if I could buy him a water.. I said lets just walk across the street to my GFs house and grab a couple.. We walked in, grabbed waters and went back over, in the house for maybe 30 seconds.. At that point I was pretty much living there on the weekends, didn't seem like a big deal to me

 

[Ember]

Hi,
Just my personal experience as a sufferer of PTSD. I tend to sabotage relationships. I ended my latest one because he was good and kind and I felt like he deserved someone better. Less f*cked up. I never opened up to my Ex either it was to hard. I felt if I did open up it would give him the power to hurt me. To me closeness = ability to be hurt. Not saying that Is what happened with your relationship, just my personal experience.

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. Has your gf been diagnosed PTSD ? If she has her stress cup could be full or over flowing.

I know it can be confusing and emotionally painful. But if she said she needs space, she really does.

The more you try to fix the relationship, the more she will push you away. If you want to be a supporter and I'm guessing that's why your here. You will have to learn how to be on your own when she needs space. And I'll tell you it is hard as hell. But worth it, because you love that person and see their beauty.

Take a look around the forum and read read, read. Your are now around a bunch of beautiful people, who are supporters and suffers. You are no longer alone,we are all here when you need us. Sending (((hugs))) if you expect.

 

[Anarchy]

Why Do They...

who is the "They?"
People with PTSD share some features in common - such as we're people and we have PTSD

but then so do for example, Americans, share some features in common, they're people and they're registered at birth as American.

Could her reactions to you have some basis inside you and your actions? If they do, then there are things that you might reasonably change (without you walking on eggshells or becoming a co dependant enabler) which might change her reactions to you.

 

[Jons99]

I absolutely walked on eggshells for her...

And I made a few huge mistakes, not sure if she will ever forgive me for that, we haven't talked in about 4 months,, basically I kept pushing and asking for her to let me help her.. I really didn't know any better..

And I know this will get me laughed out of the building, but my college roomate from 25 years ago is a psychiatrist, him and I have talked at length and he feels fairly certain it's PTSD, if not extreme relationship issues... I asked her to seek a professional and she refused other than a quick online session that she didn't follow through on

 

[Friday]

Lying isn't a PTSD trait. Some people with PTSD lie, some people with PTSD can't stand lying. And everything in between.

Nitpicking, otoh, probably is a common trait. Things that are of absolutely no consequence to people who don't have PTSD are huge freaking deals to someone with this disorder.

There have been times in my life where my BF -all by himself- showing up unannounced at my place would have meant instant breakup. Nope. Go away. We're done. Finis. There have been times in my life where you could have brought the entire JV & Varsity teams over -with cheer doing their thing- and it would have won nothing less an a huge smile, and quite possibly wearing nothing but a smile not long after. (Puppies! You brought me puppies! I effing love these kids, cher. We should really do this more often. Like a standing weekend brunch/open house, yeah?) And times in my life where I was working really, really, really hard to quit doing the instant-breakup-following-boundary-cross-thing so I'd have hung in for a few months to try and get over it, not been able to get over it, and then breakup.

Regardless... It sounds like 'not compatible' is 100% fair. As what is rating the breakup on her end has you baffled. That's like a giant waving red flag for "We don't see eye to eye in important issues & never will."

 

[Jons99]

Exactly, some of the things she got super upset about made no sense me, normally involving things involving her house.. Another time me and a buddy were at a bar by her house watching a game, her and I were texting and she said she was home alone, super bored.. So I talk my friend into going to her house and sit on her deck with her.. HUGE mistake, 3 months later was still bringing it up..

Other huge trait was total inability to talk about anything important or serious... One night in the moment, I said "make love" and she called me stupid for saying that, said sounded dumb... We had been together for 6 months and she told me many times she loved me..

Also, she told my friends how nice I am to her and how good with her son, she couldn't tell me.. She told her friends that she had never felt this way about a guy before, but she couldn't tell me that..

 

[Casey_03]

I honestly don't see anything in what you're describing that would indicate PTSD. Just seems like someone who's had a bad previous relationship and has trust issues. That's not PTSD. So I'm not sure who "they" refers to in your title ....

 

[Jons99]

Maybe you are right, just trust issues... High anxiety also related to that?

Sorry if me referring to suffers as "they", didn't realize that was offensive..

 

[scout86]

Sorry if me referring to suffers as "they", didn't realize that was offensive..

Apology accepted, at least by me. I think any time you begin an accusation by lumping everyone in some particular group into the accusation, members of the group, at least some of them, will find it offensive. If you had identified an racial or religious group in the same context, for example, I think some people would have been offended. One of the things that often goes with PTSD is an tendency to see things in black & white. It's something you usually learn to work on, as you work on dealing with the condition. As a result, people around here might be a little more sensitive to the tendency and a little more likely to call you on it than elsewhere.

It sounds like, for what ever reason, she had some strong feelings about being able to control who showed up at her house, when, and under what circumstances. It also sounds like you're totally not like that and can't quite imagine why that might be an issue. It's probably too bad things didn't work out differently, but that right there suggests "not compatible" to me. And, I've said basically that same thing to a guy that I liked, but knew wasn't "compatible" and I knew there was no way I could explain the whole nature of the situation in a way that would make sense to him and not hurt his feelings. He really didn't deserve to get his feelings hurt and he really didn't need to know the whole story. What he needed was to learn to accept "Thanks, but no thanks" as an answer

 

[StarChild]

Okay, let's get started... In your title you ask "Why do they..." - Now, who do you mean with "they"? Do you mean your ex-girlfriend with "they"? Then why don't you write "she" instead of "they"? Or do you mean (all) PTSD-sufferers? Which would be quite insulting, by the way. And if you solely mean your ex with this title, why so? As she was never ever officially diagnosed by a professional psychiatrist? Because In your introduction you clearly wrote:

I feel what she has is PTSD, but she never went to a doctor...

If that's so, then a) Why do you think you are competent enough, to just "diagnose" her? And B) Why do you keep on acting, as if she was diagnosed with PTSD, even though she wasn't and isn't at all?

She said she is seeing someone else (her friend says she is not)...

Maybe she saw no other way out of this relationship with you, as you seemed very determend, to "make her see" that you loved her, and that she was clearly supposed to "see" your love and was expected to only respond with exuberant enthusiasm (my impression of what you've written). Because, again you clearly stated in your former thread, that you were literally pushing her and kept on pushing, without respecting her wish:

So like a fool and kept pushing her, thinking if I kept telling her how much she means to me, she would see that..

About 4 weeks ago she said she needed space and was pissed I wasn't respecting her wish..

I'm under the strong impression, that she doesn't like to be pressured, no matter the reason. Actually almost no one likes to be pressured. To love someone is one thing, to overrun someone you "love" and not respecting that person is a relationship killer. Love without respect is no love. They belong together.

I told him I didn't have cash but we could walk across the street to my girlfriends house and grab water.. So we walked over, grabbed two waters and went right back to the game. This kid was in the house for 30 seconds and at that point we had been together for 6 months and I was basically living there on the weekends..

At that point I was pretty much living there on the weekends

She wasn't happy about it when it happened, brought it up a few times over the next few months, but I was stunned when she mentioned it to the police..

Well "pretty much" doesn't mean totally, and even if you would have lived there. It's her house, her home, her place where she lives, and where she's entitled to establish her rules and her boundaries. And you're entitled to respect them... That's the difference; Her house = Her turf, her rules. Period! And I must tell you, that I would have been furious, had you acted in my personal space like this. Look, for whatever reason it simply is a big deal for her. And the more you acted or even told her, that it's not, you simply negate(d) / violated her right of self determination again and again... And from what and how you wrote about this incident, you still think you had every right to act like you did. And that she's wrong for feeling the way she feels about this violation of her privacy...

Now the police was cool, he said she didn't want to fill out any paper work and they know her as its a small town and she is a teacher, so was more of a favor... But still crazy to me..

WOW! I truly hope you didn't tell the police that she has PTSD? Because if you did that, then, this would simply be defamation! As she has no diagnosis at all... - And there's something other I sense when reading this statement. You're not taking her serious and you even look down at her, according to your condescending comment about the "still crazy for me".

When reading all your posts, you come across as someone who can't / want to accept boundaries or a NO from others. At least not when it concerns your ex-girlfriend.

My suggestion to all this... Let her alone and move on...

 

[Jons99]

Apology accepted, at least by me. I think any time you begin an accusation by lumping everyone in some p...

I guess it just got weird, said she needed time and space, but then would eventually contact me and then when I responded it led to her getting mad...

As far as controlling things and her house, that was just a month after she asked me if I would consider moving in with her down the road.. Maybe the whole idea of that sank in..

Either way, I don't understand the need for space like she asked for..