Self harming behaviours

[Suzetig]

Nice smelling lotion rubbed in instead of scratching affects a couple senses and is safe.

That's something I've always used to keep grounded - I have nice hand cream everywhere, on my desk at work, in my handbag, in my car etc and usually it works well. Thanks for the reminder.

 

[Enaila]

That's something I've always used to keep grounded - I have nice hand cream everywhere, on my desk at wo...

Still get the physical touch in a kind to yourself way. Nods. :-)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I have been sorta managing to not self harm for 10 days now

 

[Enaila]

I have been sorta managing to not self harm for 10 days now

One day at a time is what I learned. I went for six months once until a new trauma triggered me again. Wasn't anything serious that I did, but hurting is hurting and not okay. I agreed to let one of my support people know when I had thoughts of hurting. Thoughts were okay....following through not.. I now feel more comfortable when I do have a thought of SH. My support people ask me to remind them of alternatives I have learned to SH and I then choose a safe alternative.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you for sharing on this thread everyone, I have learned so much about myself and sabotage my recovery, different than self harm but the consequences of my behavior is doing great harm to me. I especially appreciated the part about the shame wants to keep it hidden and it is the best thing to break the silence about.

 

[Suzetig]

Self sabotaging seems to be a speciality of mine - I tick among doing really well and then do something to torpedo things. I think it is different to self harm but in the same family, if that makes sense?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yes it makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

 

[barefoot]

A similar thing happened to me...when I was a teenager and in my early 20's, I got into a habit of cutting my gums until they bled. I don't remember deciding to stop or actually stopping, but I did stop and didn't give it another thought until about a year ago when I was having a tough time, and some difficult feelings had come up, and then before I even knew I was doing it, I'd done it. It freaked me out, partly because it was an old behaviour seemingly coming out of nowhere and partly because I didn't consciously do it so it felt out of control. I felt pretty horrified that it had happened. I didn't tell my therapist.

About 6 months ago, I went to the dentist for a hygienist appointment. I hadn't been for a few years so it was a bit hardcore - lots of bleeding. And it was like it flicked a switch in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it and couldn't resist the urge to do it. I was doing it every day, several times a day.

I saw my therapist a few days after I'd been to the dentist and she randomly started talking about flossing and I said I didn't and she looked shocked and asked why not. And I just said that I had this bad habit when I was younger, so, slicing my gums up with floss didn't feel like a comfortable thing to do. And she was asking questions about it and was looking concerned and then I just sort of blurted that I'd been doing it again. So, she started talking about "self harm" and I got all defensive and said that's not what it was, that she was blowing it out of proportion and that, no, I wasn't going to phone her every time I was about to do it...

It was a horrible conversation to have and I experienced deep, deep shame when I told her. And then I had the worst experience of dissociation I've ever had!

Now - I still do it but not every day. And we don't really talk about it, though it is "out there" that I do it. Occasionally, if I've done it more/worse or if it's more on my mind, I say something. And I'll do it by saying something like "I can't leave my mouth alone at the moment".

Like you, I don't think it's "a big deal" in the grand scheme of self harm. I'm not badly injuring myself, I can't accidentally kill myself by doing it, there are much more serious, risky things I could do to myself instead but I don't... And yet, I am still doing things to cause pain/draw blood and I appreciate that isn't a very healthy coping mechanism! So, while I hated having the conversation with my therapist, I do think it is A Good Thing that she knows where I'm at with it.

Can you say something like "I found myself doing X the other day, which has unnerved me because it feels like I've crossed a boundary. I think it's only minor and don't think either of us need to be worried about it and I really don't need a talk about keeping myself safe - I just wanted to put it out there as I don't feel great about the fact that I felt the need to do that."
Or something?!

Good luck with it :-)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It does feel shameful, particularly given its not something I've done as an adult so it feels like very old behaviour coming back.

Maybe it is but why does it have to be shameful?

Ive done many MANY things that I didnt want to but felt I had to and had a ton of shame over it. I've also SH'd unconsciencly as I approached hard feelings, memories, & thoughts but wasn't realizing it was too intense, also was ashamed over it.

Ive also started behaviors that I hadnt done as a child and never stopped one that I can honestly say 99% of adults dont do but I need to right now (and have always felt ashamed of it until recently).

There doesnt have to be shame. Just aknowledge that its behavior coming back, likely due to hitting an area thats hard or might be taking you back and just something to work on.

The reason Im focusing is on shame is that is something that makes you feel horrible about yourself and its almost like judgement on yourself. Dont judge yourself. It is what it is and it's something that you are now aware of and something you're gonna work on. I dont see shame in that at all. I see more self awareness and probably a bit of progress as you likely wouldnt of done it if you didnt hit an area that hurt or reminded you of something.

:hug: from a SHer!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agreed to let one of my support people know when I had thoughts of hurting.

I dont have 'support people' in real life so I will generally come on here, the other site, or message my friend on the other site...or someone on there or here. Just contact someone or everyone, and just let it out. Why I want to, aknowledge that I want to, and almost "scream" it out and most times it seems like Im at the bottom or going further down when in reality I just let it out instead of 'cut it out' and so due to that, its been about a month or close to since Ive self harmed.

So just wanted to say this site can be a great place to just let it out, gain support, and that can help you not SH. For those like myself with no support in real life.

Im very glad that you have someone(s) you can contact when you want to, that helps a ton!

@Saelben 10 days is amazing! Keep it going! But dont judge yourself if you slip, its ok and just keep going. Not that Im saying its ok to, Im saying dont self judge if you do. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Nice smelling lotion rubbed in instead of scratching affects a couple senses and is safe.

Oh, never tried that before.

I wonder if rubbing that on my upper arms where I usually cut would work. Never thought about something like that, thanks!

I used to hold ice cubes in my early 20s and it helped for a long while but stopped working as im after more pain and it wasnt painful enough anymore. I was thinking of trying that again and we have an ice machine at work so I can do that at work. It was the one thing that worked the best.

Snapping rubber bands on my wrist never worked but may for some.

Also heard of drawing in red marker where you want to, that also never worked for me but also may for some.

But may try the ice cubes again. It works cuz it stings and hurts but it doesnt cause injury.

 

[Suzetig]

There doesnt have to be shame. Just aknowledge that its behavior coming back, likely due to hitting an area thats hard or might be taking you back and just something to work on.

That makes sense to me, I know it's because I'm hitting stuff that is very difficult for me and that I don't even fully understand but I also know I have huge issues with shame generally, so it's no surprise I feel shame about this too. I'd love to be able to look at it as just something else to work on but it feels like I'm touching something fundamental to me, the core of me if you like. I also know that shame is a good mechanism for keeping me back from stuff I need to deal with.

It's a funny thing, I'm so much less fragile than I used to be, which I think is giving me confidence to go deeper in therapy. My self harm urges don't feel like they come from a fragile part of me, if you know what I mean, they feel quite solid and purposeful. All stuff for therapy I suppose.

@barefoot, I really like your suggestion for talking to my T, I may borrow that at least as a starting place.