Self harming behaviours

[Suzetig]

So, I spoke in therapy about my feelings about myself and some stuff that I find deeply shameful, struggles with intimacy and quite triggering work stuff. I also told her that when I sit with those feelings I want to hurt myself.

Journaling today ahead of therapy this week I started focussing on quite difficult shameful feelings - I was playing with a hair clip while I was writing and ended up using it to give myself a kind of friction burn. Basically I rubbed it over the same area of skin until the skin peeled off. I've now got a small patch of very raw skin. Not a huge deal in self harm stakes but something I've not done in over 30 years and it feels like a boundary has been crossed.

In many ways in incredibly stable, more grounded than I have been in a very long time and while I've seen a bit of an increase in feeling symptomatic I know that's about stresses in my daily life and am usually able to cope. But every time I go near these very deep seated feelings, I feel unsafe - like there's a fine line between thinking and doing things that would be hurtful and harmful.

I'm not sure if/how to talk about this in therapy, in the grand scheme of things what I've done hardly counts as self harm but I guess I did basically sit and peel my own skin off. I don't want her to worry about me and I don't want to have the "keep yourself safe" conversation - but I'm going to need to, aren't I?

 

[Teasel]

I can really understand how you're feeling conflicted about this. I don't quite know how to deal in this situation either.

Have you been able to talk about this sort of thing with the therapist before?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

If it were me (which I have been in this situation before though I have never been self-harm free for so long- so good job with that), I would find some way to tell my therapist. My reasoning would be that even though in the realm of self-harm it is minor so to speak, it is something that could lead to other more serious things because you did state that it feels like a boundary has been crossed and I think that's something to talk about. It's also important since you mentioned you are working on things that bring up these feelings of wanting to hurt yourself. Not saying it would be easy to talk to your therapist about it, but I know for me, I would want to tell my therapist, mainly so that things didn't get worse. Sometimes I write out topic lists for my therapist and I would probably just write it on there or send her an e-mail beforehand so that I know it will get addressed. Depends on your relationship with your therapist how you would approach it.

 

[Enaila]

I often felt shameful when I self hurt and it often was when I was flashing badly, so awareness I am scratching, pulling at hair, or just picking at nails, was more limited. Let your therapist know so he/she can help you become more aware and help you find a replacement behavior which is safe like picking at a thread friendship bracelet or holding something safer.

 

[Sideways]

I actually sent my T an email last night giving him the heads up that not self-harming was getting really difficult. There's a couple of reasons I tackle it early on like that.

First, like you pointed out, it's a heads up that whatever we're dealing with, it's provoking emotions that I'm struggling to cope with in a healthy way, which is really helpful info for him to have. It means that maybe we need to explore that stuff a bit more, but we also need to tread carefully and make sure I'm doing plenty of things to help exorcise those emotions as they come up.

Second, and this may or may not apply to you, I know that if I do end up cracking out the big guns on the self-harm front, I'm going to be too ashamed to bring up the topic myself. So telling him nice and early means that he knows to proactively ask about it - I find it a lot easier to stare at the floor and say (or write down) "yes, I'm doing that stuff again" than to initiate the conversation myself once it's bad.

In both cases, I don't get the "keep yourself safe" lecture, but I do get the "you don't deserve that - you deserve to treat yourself better" lecture. And I HATE that lecture...but usually, I need to hear it anyway.

 

[Joan]

I think you are wise to realize there are warning signs and red flags....those early feelings and thoughts....that is huge!! So yes as you can acknowledge those to your therapist...shame wants to keep them hidden and in that hidden state will just fester and grow...to say it, share it, gives it less power. It is a tenuous journey as you step into the tough parts of trauma, symptoms increase....the important thing is you are aware and recognize...so well done!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But every time I go near these very deep seated feelings, I feel unsafe - like there's a fine line between thinking and doing things that would be hurtful and harmful.

I know exactly what you mean. I have VERY intense emotions I cant go near right now or I fear SI'ing or worse.

I'm not sure if/how to talk about this in therapy,

Def should; how depends on the therapist and your relationship.

With my therapist i just casully tell him i cut, where at, offer to show him & do if i can and he will always ask why and my answer usually is i dont know but sometimes i have one for him.

Early in therapy when i didnt trust him like i do know i was writing letters, we never spoke, just passed notes.

So it depend. Read them the orginal post of the thread; i do that often with my threads and then have like a huge long discussion.

Def should, how is gonna be how you are most comfortable.

:hug: from someone that understands!

 

[Suzetig]

Thank you all for taking the time to realms. I've got a very good relationship with my T, we've worked together for a long time now and she really gets me. We spoke about SH last session and she knows I'm struggling so I don't think she'll be surprised if I tell her. I think I can frame it a discussion about how we do the work we need to without me being so distressed that I go further than I have.

It does feel shameful, particularly given its not something I've done as an adult so it feels like very old behaviour coming back. I work a lot with young people who SH and know other strategies for dealing with difficult feelings but they didn't even occur to me yesterday. I need to be more aware of what I'm doing and why , and try to stop myself getting into that loop in the first place, which brings me back to how do I work on the feelings...

 

[kogo123]

Thank you all for taking the time to realms. I've got a very good relationship with my T, we've worked t...

Mom's of autistic children have stress much like combat soldiers.

Years of advocacy. Years of battles to get help and respite. It seems there is no way to release this prolonged stress that you can’t escape from, as if you are a prisoner in a cell, looking out at a world that is spinning out of control. Every sound shakes you. You do what you can. Run. Lift weights. Eat right. Take your vitamins. You are a good mother, they say. So strong. A saint. But you don’t feel like it anymore. Your body and mind are under siege. Under fire. You want to be calm and feel protected. You often escape into exercise and music in a desperate attempt to find homeostasis. You want to feel good, even though your thoughts are often self-destructive. You push this deep down, where nobody can see it. Yet there are times the thoughts, flashbacks and dread of uncertainty overtake you. You are screaming inside and nobody hears it. You feel abandoned and alone in a war that has made you weary and longing for tranquility. You ask yourself have you been too strong. Why can’t you break down like other people? Why have you been so damn strong? Have others relied on your mental and physical strength for so long that they have forgotten how spiritually fragile you’ve become?

 

[Enaila]

Thank you all for taking the time to realms. I've got a very good relationship with my T, we've worked t...

Nice smelling lotion rubbed in instead of scratching affects a couple senses and is safe. Just keep small bottle near places where you are stressed. Lol. Just realized all the teachers where I work have bottle of lotion for students and themselves on desk. It is calming.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think self harm is ever really an ok thing. I do believe that it is a good thing that you're able to recognize this behavior for what it is (and what it could become), & are willing to reach out for help.

Asking for help is hard, especially when it involves self injurious behavior. I hope all goes well with your therapist.

 

[Enaila]

Mom's of autistic children have stress much like combat soldiers.

Years of advocacy. Years of battles to get help and...

Kogo I don't know what country you are from, but the United States has lots of resources for families of children with autism. Start by asking your local school. This is my 25th year teaching special education. I'm curious about the flashbacks you speak of ....wondering if they are same as PTSD trauma flashbacks.