Relationship 1/2 Step Forward... 10 Steps Back

[Livy's Mom]

It's been a month since my boyfriend left my daughter and I. It has taken until Wednesday night for us to be able to have a conversation about his PTSD and our family. My mom had sat down with him earlier that day to go over information about PTSD because he wasn't educated about his own diagnosis. The conversation we had later that evening was so open, honest, productive and easy. It was probably the most we have talked in our entire relationship. We talked about the problems we had in our relationship and how they were related to his PTSD and how we planned to change our behavior moving forward to suit his illness and so on.

I never asked him to come home during the conversation because I didn't want to push. He stayed the night but I didn't even ask him to sleep in the bed because I didn't want to push. I said goodnight and I love you and he said I love you too.

Thursday came. I went to work, he watched our daughter, I came home. I mentioned to him that my mother was having a get together on Sunday and would he be interested in going. I received a very sharp and rude NO. I was taken by surprise but I didn't react right away. A few minutes later is where I started to make my mistakes. I asked him if he had plans on Sunday... I guess I was fishing to see if he just didn't want to go because he was back to not wanting to be with me. He reacted like his old self. I cried. He got annoyed and left.

I did the unthinkable and sent texts that I'll leave the details out but I'm sure you can all imagine what was in them. He called to tell me he was never coming home and never planned on coming home.

Here I am again. Right where I started. I told him I don't want to have any contact for a while. I don't feel there is any reason for us to. He watches our daughter while i'm at work but that doesn't mean we have to chat and be buddies. I go out he goes in. I'm tired.

I don't know what to do here. Give it time... give it time... give him space... I know. I know those things are the right things to do. I'm doing the best I can.

I'm angry. I'm angry at his denial. I'm angry that he makes people believe that he doesn't have a problem and that he really just doesn't want to be with me. That makes me feel very low. The flip flop is very difficult.

I just needed to vent :-(

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

 

[amethist]

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened Livy's Mom.

It sounds like he is in complete denial, and unfortunately until he admits he has a problem and starts to deal with it, there is nothing you can do at all.

The best advice I can give you is to look after yourself and your daughter, and leave him to get on with it himself.

If you can learn to continue like it is now, with him looking after your daughter while you are at work, with no other connection at all, then good for you. If not you may have to cut and let him go.

I hope you can find a peaceful way for you and your daughter to live with this, but it is not going to be easy.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you Amethist. I am going to try to do it that way and see how it goes. He can "babysit" and I will go on and be the family that my daughter deserves. I don't feel that I owe him any more than that at this point.

I'm not trying to hurt him or abandon him but you are exactly right, he is in denial and until he does something for himself it is hurting me to much to be involved any more than I am right now.

I have been hesitant to distance myself from him like this because I felt like if he knew I was here for him it would help him come home but he doesn't care or better yet he can't see it. I have to limit the damage he's doing to me. I'm doing him a favor.

 

[nursenurse]

It is so hard as a supporter to accept these things. I think as women we are hard wired to nurture the crap out of loved ones. I have the extra "burden" (at times) of my profession, so I have found it really difficult.

What others have told me, and what I do, is live my life. Look after myself. Your daughter is first and foremost in your life, next to you. No one here and in your outside world should ever accuse you of abandoning him. Read over what you have written, with the eye of an outsider looking in. This has proven valuable for me when I self reflect on my own situation.

And true, maybe he just doesn't want to be with you. That sucks, PTSD or not. Just give him time and space, the answers sometimes reveal themselves when we aren't looking.

 

[discarded]

Oh Livy's Mom, I am sorry to hear that. It really does suck when they are in denial. I don't have any answers for you. I have been there and done that and still do at times. Don't feel guilty for anything you have done. You may have not done the best the thing as far as being in a relationship with a sufferer goes but you are still a part of this relationship and deserve so much better.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thanks for the comments and support everyone :-)

I'm just gonna take it day by day. As long as the baby and I are doing well that's all I can ask for. I have to accept that this is a roller coaster.

I have to say so far I am enjoying the silence for once. A month ago I would have said it was killing me not to hear from him. Right now it feels pretty good to not have the turmoil... at least for a minute.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend