NaeNae75
Platinum Member
I'm spiraling down, and don't even know what I'm thinking anymore! I'm going to try to get it together so I can make sense here.
Little background: We have been together for over 7.5 years. During this entire time, we've been raising our children together. "mine" are now 23, 21, and 19. "his" son is 11.
Last year we got sole custody of his son because of neglect on mom's part. He has a long history of emotional issues and acts younger than his age, and is manipulative. (Like normal adolescent kid from blended family manipulation). I have been his "mother" since he was 3, because the biological has been so neglectful.
Dad has been raising him the entire time, from a mindset of being his friend and guilt. I, couldn't disagree with it more. Now his son has mastered playing people against each other, plays the victim to get his way with dad ( he doesn't do it when dad isn't around), and has become exceedingly disrespectful including talking back, telling us no, threw an absolute hissy fit in the store (when I wasn't there) because his dad wouldn't buy him the toy he wanted because it was too expensive. But even though he had a 20 minute tantrum including sobbing, and telling his dad no and walking off, he still bought him a damn Barbie doll he wanted. Yes, he has decided the only thing he wants to play with (when his friends aren't around) is Barbies. Then, because 2 days later his mom didn't show up for her visitation, he bought him the other more expensive Barbie closet toy.
So, because I don't like that he keeps rewarding his bad behavior, I'm now picking on his son. Because I expect him to be disciplined when he keeps telling us no, and smarting off and being disrespectful, I'm wrong. Every day, his son has chosen to be disrespectful, and pit us against each other.
On Monday, I lost it. We were leaving as a family for the pumpkin farm and his dad asked him 3 times to put on a sweatshirt. He said after the third time, "Its warm in the house I'll do it later". I told him, "We are walking out the door and it's cool outside. Stop talking back to your dad and put it on. Then I told him, I work outside and you don't hear me complaining about it being too hot or cold...sometimes we just have to learn to deal with the temperature". He put his hand on his hip and shook his head at me while he snidely replied, "then I guess I'll just have to work at McDonalds". That was the last straw. I asked his dad, "are you going to let him talk to me like that?" He just stood there.
I stood up and said, "this is MY house, and it will not be okay for you to speak to me like that." I asked, "Do you know why we decided to go to the pumpkin farm today instead of this weekend? So we could include YOU. We worked today, but are going so that you can be included. Do you think it's right for you to be so disrespectful to me, after I plan things for you?" Then his dad said, "you need to apologize" I looked at him and said," I'm done with apologies, I want the behavior to change. Saying sorry and letting it be okay to keep doing isn't cutting it for me." Then the son said," I understand, and I am sorry" So I told him to come to me, and I hugged him and told him I loved him and that I was proud of him for taking his punishment which was the lecture...then I said, "okay, now it's over and done with, lets go to the pumpkin farm and have fun as a family."
We went and had a really good evening as a family. His dad was good, he was good, my daughter and granddaughter were good. We even went to dinner afterwords. I should have realized when he brought up 9-11 at dinner, that he was not okay.
Well, we talked Tuesday morning before I left for work, and everything seemed fine. I called on my way because the son was awake so I could wish him a happy birthday. We talked about getting donuts for his classmates and everything was okay, I thought. Well, after he dropped him off at school, he went back home grabbed a few things and left again.
Apparently he woke up my granddaughter and she was pounding on the window and he just ignored her, got in his car and left, my daughter told me...with a few bags. So I called him. He said he's not okay, he should have never come back, I pick on his son and I'm too critical of him. He's done and it's basically all of my fault.
I told him, I don't pick on his son, and it isn't okay for him to be disrespectful. I said he's been acting up for months and he hasn't been handling it, and it's been causing a ton of tension in the house. I said, I'm not picking on him, it's you playing favorites. I asked him if anyone matters. He said, "I matter, and my son matters" then hung up on me.
So, my daughter was texting back and forth with him, and he was pretty cold with her. She told him she's hurt, and he replied about how he's sorry she feels that way, but everyone will get over it.
So he can't get over anything, but we all are supposed to?! My daughter and I both have PTSD as well. (my daughter came to our home as a teenager, and suffered a lifetime of sexual and physical abuse...pretty similar to my story). He is so dismissive of how any of the rest of us are affected by anything.
I told him last week that I'm having trouble wanting to take care of his son, because he acts out, and because I tell him about it, I'm the one that gets lashed out at. I told him I'm tired of being the one punished for your son's behavior.
Well today he told me that he doesn't correct his son because i deserve to be disrespected because I pick on him...and he said that he and his son wouldn't lie to me if I didn't get upset when they told me the truth.
He said everything is my fault and he had to leave because it's what's best for his son and that's all that matters. He said he had a list together to tell me exactly everything I did wrong. I asked him if there was anything on that list that he did wrong, because I made a list too, and it has stuff that we both need to work on.
I told him that part of the problem lies exactly there...he blames me, and I try to see how we both are doing. He said that's only because I want us to be together and he doesn't. I responded that I don't know if that's even true, because I'm not sure that I want him back, in fact, until things change, I don't think it's a good idea. So I asked again, what do you think is your responsibility in any of this. He told me the only thing he's done wrong is not to tell me, "to shut my f*cking mouth sooner".
So I said, "well that's very adult. You know you say you're doing what's best for him, but YOU are the one that wants to isolate, he loves to have attention from everyone. Why is it that you left in such a hurry without any of his things? This is about YOU. It isn't for his best interest, and you certainly didn't give a damn about my kids or the baby."
He said, "You're ridiculous, and I'm not talking to you anymore...we'll talk later" and hung up
Well fine then....don't ask me for anything when you can't handle it on your own, because he has no respect for you. I completely lost it. I sent him some messages, and I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself. I told him that he talks a great game about wanting to be a "sheepdog", but the reality is, sheepdogs herd their flock where they need to go, not bite them in the jugular then throw them to the wolves. I told him that I have been critical lately, but that's because I'm disappointed in him. I said normally he's a good man, but good men don't teach their sons to lie, disrespect, and run from responsibility. I told him good men don't let an 11 year old run the family instead of them.I told him he plays favorites and makes us live by a separate set of rules.
I ended the text telling him I'm not enabling this behavior one more second. That I'm going to do what I can to get me and the kids help, but he needs it bad. I told him his perception of the truth doesn't match the outside world. I told him when he's ready to come home, I don't want an apology, or groveling...I want him to be committed to being healthy and to making sure his son is being disciplined properly. I told him I'm not going to be mean or nasty, but welcome him home once he's ready to treat us fairly and like we are all important and deserving of love.
Our house has been quiet all week. My granddaughter magically stopped biting and hitting and screaming all week without his son here....I'm not putting everyone through this anymore. His son is so capable of being a sweet loving kid, but he's hurting and acting out....and ignoring his needs and letting him use everyone as a doormat is not how to make him better....that is not picking on him, it's a damn fact!
I'm so sorry it's so long winded, but it's so damn complicated I don't even know where to start. I feel like an ass for losing it, but I'm so hurt right now I can hardly see straight. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the real end. I want so badly for him to realize he's wrong, and sometimes he does....but a lot of times, he expects me to talk about how I was wrong and stroke his ego for him to come home. I don't think my own self worth can suffer any more blows.
Our T getting out of practice unexpectedly didn't do our dysfunctional little family any damn favors, lol
Little background: We have been together for over 7.5 years. During this entire time, we've been raising our children together. "mine" are now 23, 21, and 19. "his" son is 11.
Last year we got sole custody of his son because of neglect on mom's part. He has a long history of emotional issues and acts younger than his age, and is manipulative. (Like normal adolescent kid from blended family manipulation). I have been his "mother" since he was 3, because the biological has been so neglectful.
Dad has been raising him the entire time, from a mindset of being his friend and guilt. I, couldn't disagree with it more. Now his son has mastered playing people against each other, plays the victim to get his way with dad ( he doesn't do it when dad isn't around), and has become exceedingly disrespectful including talking back, telling us no, threw an absolute hissy fit in the store (when I wasn't there) because his dad wouldn't buy him the toy he wanted because it was too expensive. But even though he had a 20 minute tantrum including sobbing, and telling his dad no and walking off, he still bought him a damn Barbie doll he wanted. Yes, he has decided the only thing he wants to play with (when his friends aren't around) is Barbies. Then, because 2 days later his mom didn't show up for her visitation, he bought him the other more expensive Barbie closet toy.
So, because I don't like that he keeps rewarding his bad behavior, I'm now picking on his son. Because I expect him to be disciplined when he keeps telling us no, and smarting off and being disrespectful, I'm wrong. Every day, his son has chosen to be disrespectful, and pit us against each other.
On Monday, I lost it. We were leaving as a family for the pumpkin farm and his dad asked him 3 times to put on a sweatshirt. He said after the third time, "Its warm in the house I'll do it later". I told him, "We are walking out the door and it's cool outside. Stop talking back to your dad and put it on. Then I told him, I work outside and you don't hear me complaining about it being too hot or cold...sometimes we just have to learn to deal with the temperature". He put his hand on his hip and shook his head at me while he snidely replied, "then I guess I'll just have to work at McDonalds". That was the last straw. I asked his dad, "are you going to let him talk to me like that?" He just stood there.
I stood up and said, "this is MY house, and it will not be okay for you to speak to me like that." I asked, "Do you know why we decided to go to the pumpkin farm today instead of this weekend? So we could include YOU. We worked today, but are going so that you can be included. Do you think it's right for you to be so disrespectful to me, after I plan things for you?" Then his dad said, "you need to apologize" I looked at him and said," I'm done with apologies, I want the behavior to change. Saying sorry and letting it be okay to keep doing isn't cutting it for me." Then the son said," I understand, and I am sorry" So I told him to come to me, and I hugged him and told him I loved him and that I was proud of him for taking his punishment which was the lecture...then I said, "okay, now it's over and done with, lets go to the pumpkin farm and have fun as a family."
We went and had a really good evening as a family. His dad was good, he was good, my daughter and granddaughter were good. We even went to dinner afterwords. I should have realized when he brought up 9-11 at dinner, that he was not okay.
Well, we talked Tuesday morning before I left for work, and everything seemed fine. I called on my way because the son was awake so I could wish him a happy birthday. We talked about getting donuts for his classmates and everything was okay, I thought. Well, after he dropped him off at school, he went back home grabbed a few things and left again.
Apparently he woke up my granddaughter and she was pounding on the window and he just ignored her, got in his car and left, my daughter told me...with a few bags. So I called him. He said he's not okay, he should have never come back, I pick on his son and I'm too critical of him. He's done and it's basically all of my fault.
I told him, I don't pick on his son, and it isn't okay for him to be disrespectful. I said he's been acting up for months and he hasn't been handling it, and it's been causing a ton of tension in the house. I said, I'm not picking on him, it's you playing favorites. I asked him if anyone matters. He said, "I matter, and my son matters" then hung up on me.
So, my daughter was texting back and forth with him, and he was pretty cold with her. She told him she's hurt, and he replied about how he's sorry she feels that way, but everyone will get over it.
So he can't get over anything, but we all are supposed to?! My daughter and I both have PTSD as well. (my daughter came to our home as a teenager, and suffered a lifetime of sexual and physical abuse...pretty similar to my story). He is so dismissive of how any of the rest of us are affected by anything.
I told him last week that I'm having trouble wanting to take care of his son, because he acts out, and because I tell him about it, I'm the one that gets lashed out at. I told him I'm tired of being the one punished for your son's behavior.
Well today he told me that he doesn't correct his son because i deserve to be disrespected because I pick on him...and he said that he and his son wouldn't lie to me if I didn't get upset when they told me the truth.
He said everything is my fault and he had to leave because it's what's best for his son and that's all that matters. He said he had a list together to tell me exactly everything I did wrong. I asked him if there was anything on that list that he did wrong, because I made a list too, and it has stuff that we both need to work on.
I told him that part of the problem lies exactly there...he blames me, and I try to see how we both are doing. He said that's only because I want us to be together and he doesn't. I responded that I don't know if that's even true, because I'm not sure that I want him back, in fact, until things change, I don't think it's a good idea. So I asked again, what do you think is your responsibility in any of this. He told me the only thing he's done wrong is not to tell me, "to shut my f*cking mouth sooner".
So I said, "well that's very adult. You know you say you're doing what's best for him, but YOU are the one that wants to isolate, he loves to have attention from everyone. Why is it that you left in such a hurry without any of his things? This is about YOU. It isn't for his best interest, and you certainly didn't give a damn about my kids or the baby."
He said, "You're ridiculous, and I'm not talking to you anymore...we'll talk later" and hung up
Well fine then....don't ask me for anything when you can't handle it on your own, because he has no respect for you. I completely lost it. I sent him some messages, and I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself. I told him that he talks a great game about wanting to be a "sheepdog", but the reality is, sheepdogs herd their flock where they need to go, not bite them in the jugular then throw them to the wolves. I told him that I have been critical lately, but that's because I'm disappointed in him. I said normally he's a good man, but good men don't teach their sons to lie, disrespect, and run from responsibility. I told him good men don't let an 11 year old run the family instead of them.I told him he plays favorites and makes us live by a separate set of rules.
I ended the text telling him I'm not enabling this behavior one more second. That I'm going to do what I can to get me and the kids help, but he needs it bad. I told him his perception of the truth doesn't match the outside world. I told him when he's ready to come home, I don't want an apology, or groveling...I want him to be committed to being healthy and to making sure his son is being disciplined properly. I told him I'm not going to be mean or nasty, but welcome him home once he's ready to treat us fairly and like we are all important and deserving of love.
Our house has been quiet all week. My granddaughter magically stopped biting and hitting and screaming all week without his son here....I'm not putting everyone through this anymore. His son is so capable of being a sweet loving kid, but he's hurting and acting out....and ignoring his needs and letting him use everyone as a doormat is not how to make him better....that is not picking on him, it's a damn fact!
I'm so sorry it's so long winded, but it's so damn complicated I don't even know where to start. I feel like an ass for losing it, but I'm so hurt right now I can hardly see straight. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the real end. I want so badly for him to realize he's wrong, and sometimes he does....but a lot of times, he expects me to talk about how I was wrong and stroke his ego for him to come home. I don't think my own self worth can suffer any more blows.
Our T getting out of practice unexpectedly didn't do our dysfunctional little family any damn favors, lol
