Childhood Abusive Kissing?

[Maxi]

This has been bugging me lately and so I just wanted some clarification.

Could French kissing (kissing with tongues) be called abusive?

As a baby I was repeatedly kissed in this way by an alcoholic friend of my parents who told them that they thought I was pretty. This happened on multiple occasions and this man acted as my sole caretaker whilst my parents were away.

I don't know how I feel about this, as flashbacks indicate much more explicit forms of csa, is this even a big deal? Is this a form of csa, or am I making a big deal out nothing?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I would for certain state that this is a form of sexualized abuse. Intimate kissing in this manner is IMHO a show of such deep affection it could not be perceived any other way.

 

[digger]

French kissing a baby is definitely abuse, yes.

Sometimes it's harder to identify or label things when we are the ones on the receiving end of it, but imagine seeing someone French kissing a baby that isn't you - how do you feel about it? Is there any acceptable reason for someone to do that?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it's horrible when unwanted & inappropriate.

What makes me the angriest at such things & more (& really at myself) is why I don't speak up, only avoid. But wondering if I'm making something out of nothing is why too.

 

[rainbow1]

As a baby I was repeatedly kissed in this way by an alcoholic friend of my parents who told them that they thought I was pretty

Yes, I absolutely think this is abusive. Did someone tell you that this happened to you as a baby?

 

[Tinyflame]

PS, that didn't quite come out right, of course anyone vulnerable & ABSOLUTELY a child or baby that is totally wrong & wholly sexually abusive. :(

(Hug to you.)

 

[GWhizz]

Definitely abusive. Any sexual act is abusive when consent isn't given or when the person lacks the capacity to consent. Did your parents know about this? Sorry I'm not aware of your backstory.

 

[Maxi]

@rainbow1

@GWhizz

My mother told me about it in a very light-hearted jokey way and said that my dad got mad and told him to stop and then she said 'god knows what he did with you when we weren't there, he could have put his you-know-what in your mouth etc etc.' She said it in such a way which suggests that she wasn't affected by such things, as if it's no big deal and the thought of someone doing that to her child doesn't sicken her. She has a close relationship with the guy and I still see him (although he's super awkward around me). The thing is, my parents love me and so I don't understand why they would leave me with him; I figured it could only be that they didn't really think it a big deal :s Is kissing really such a big deal?

 

[digger]

Is kissing really such a big deal?

French kissing a baby? YES!! Is there even any adult you'd consider French kissing if it wasn't in a sexual way?

If you're still struggling, try and come up with an example for yourself of an actual situation where you think it would be appropriate for an adult to French kiss a baby? Or even an example of a situation where it would be appropriate to French kiss another adult without their consent?

 

[Maxi]

French kissing a baby? YES!! Is there even any adult you'd consider French kissing if it wasn't in a sexual way?

If it's a big deal, why does my mum act like it's not? I don't understand. I was too young to perceive it as wrong, so could it really have an impact on me today?

 

[Ronin]

Seeing it comes from a family friend and not parents, I'd say yes, out of line definitely and abusive, apparently.
If it were from parents I'd be inclined to think of cultural norms first, seeing it's more a matter of what's sexual and not than inherently clear cut lines. That still said, it was traumatizing for you, so it's something to heal from.

 

[sun seeker]

I was too young to perceive it as wrong, so could it really have an impact on me today?

Perceiving it is wrong on a cognitive level is different from the effect it had on you. I suggest listening to what your body tells you about this. If it feels traumatic to you, it was. Doesn't matter what you thought about it, it matters how it felt.