mylunareclipse
MyPTSD Pro
How did you accept your dissociation/ dissociative disorder diagnosis?
I have been in therapy for five years now.
I used to let words like dissociative states, dissociation, roll off of me and be forgotten as soon as my therapist would mention them. Maybe she meant dissociation as in normal dissociation. I would nod but then negate everything in my head.
i would say what if I am lying? And my therapist would say it but I see it?
I would know but forget.
And now it’s the same, but a little less.
My therapist keeps saying, you are fragmented, it’s like the channels switch, it’s like different parts of you want different things and cannot coincide with each other. And I nod. But then I forget everything. She didn’t say that, I heard it wrong, she meant parts as in everyone has parts. The heavy head didn’t happen, the shifting didn’t happen. And when I come back she will say there’s a shift there, do you see it? Do you notice it? I do, but I try to forget. This isn’t me. I am acting. Attention seeking.
I know but I don’t know.
I am depleted I say.
And she says it makes sense I am depleted.
Then I try to convince myself and then her that maybe I am just a bad person. That maybe I am making all this up. Maybe I’m bpd and that’s why I dissociate. But she remains unnerved, unmoved.
And then I dissociate again in session. I try to talk about one hundredth of a hundredth of my flashbacks and I lose all control. My eyes close. I cannot move. I can only speak if I have no control and I am gone.
When I come back after a while, the shift happens again. I want to make jokes. Make this go away. Convince my therapist that I am lying to her, that I am a bad person.
But she remains unmoved. Seems like different parts of you feel differently about all this she will say. Or something like that because often I don’t remember.
And it happens on repeat.
Till I can deny it a little less.
Till it stares me in the face.
Till I want to go away.
Till I go away a little less.
Till I feel like I need to go away a little less.
And I start to have a little hope, of things getting better. And fear. What does this all even mean. I want to go back to being normal.
Whatever that is.
But it stares me in the face.
And I accept a little more.
And I deny it a little less.
For now.
I have been in therapy for five years now.
I used to let words like dissociative states, dissociation, roll off of me and be forgotten as soon as my therapist would mention them. Maybe she meant dissociation as in normal dissociation. I would nod but then negate everything in my head.
i would say what if I am lying? And my therapist would say it but I see it?
I would know but forget.
And now it’s the same, but a little less.
My therapist keeps saying, you are fragmented, it’s like the channels switch, it’s like different parts of you want different things and cannot coincide with each other. And I nod. But then I forget everything. She didn’t say that, I heard it wrong, she meant parts as in everyone has parts. The heavy head didn’t happen, the shifting didn’t happen. And when I come back she will say there’s a shift there, do you see it? Do you notice it? I do, but I try to forget. This isn’t me. I am acting. Attention seeking.
I know but I don’t know.
I am depleted I say.
And she says it makes sense I am depleted.
Then I try to convince myself and then her that maybe I am just a bad person. That maybe I am making all this up. Maybe I’m bpd and that’s why I dissociate. But she remains unnerved, unmoved.
And then I dissociate again in session. I try to talk about one hundredth of a hundredth of my flashbacks and I lose all control. My eyes close. I cannot move. I can only speak if I have no control and I am gone.
When I come back after a while, the shift happens again. I want to make jokes. Make this go away. Convince my therapist that I am lying to her, that I am a bad person.
But she remains unmoved. Seems like different parts of you feel differently about all this she will say. Or something like that because often I don’t remember.
And it happens on repeat.
Till I can deny it a little less.
Till it stares me in the face.
Till I want to go away.
Till I go away a little less.
Till I feel like I need to go away a little less.
And I start to have a little hope, of things getting better. And fear. What does this all even mean. I want to go back to being normal.
Whatever that is.
But it stares me in the face.
And I accept a little more.
And I deny it a little less.
For now.