Advice On Difficult Situation

[Hope4Now]

I do not have complete memory of what happened to me in my childhood, but I know both my parents were involved. My father is dead now, but my elderly mother is in my care. I am the only family member she has other than an elderly brother who lives far away. She does not live with me (I was able to set that boundary), and I have been successful setting some other boundaries too.

I'm just wondering if anyone else is in a situation in which they are now the "parent" for their parent(s)? My mother says things that trigger me badly, but she doesn't do it all the time. In fact many times, she is perfectly pleasant. But I am completely reactive in her presence and even when I think about her.

Is anyone dealing with this, and if so, how. I don't need to hear a lot about boundaries...I've set up as many as I am willing to, and I talk to my therapist regularly about it. I am not willing to turn away from her completely. I need to learn how to manage my reactions to her.

 

[desiderata310]

I am in that situation and am trying to set up boundaries now. It's difficult.
My mom is very triggering. She is and was very hurtful.

I am actually looking at my mom having to move soon and the subject has been broached about her living with me. Now that I know a few other things about my mom I am not certain that this would be in my best interest for her to move in with me.

As far as dealing with her triggers. It's been really hard and I am not very good at it yet. I tend to keep my conversations short and when she says something triggering I simply say - "oh, gotta go! Emergency at work" and hang up. I then have to deal with the emotional aftermath and I am not very good at that yet.

Not much to offer at this point but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

 

[Hope4Now]

Maybe we should talk more :)

 

[xena21]

I am not willing to turn away from her completely. I need to learn how to manage my reactions to her.

Hi, Sorry you have such a distressing situation to go through. I'm wondering why you can't turn away from her if she abused you? I'm just asking as a general unknowing question.

My experience was a little different. That's all I can offer. My grandmother abused my Mom and me as did my Grandfather who died earlier as well. My Mom was the caretaker for my Grandmother, and was often triggered by her. At one point she had had enough and told her to find someone else to care for her, because she was an evil woman only intent on hurting others. This was all true with my grandmother. I don't know about your Mother. Thats why I asked.

At some point evil people need to be shown they are evil. That's the way I feel anyway. People may differ in their thoughts, but that's their right. I hope you find a solution to this.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am sitting with my mother at an outdoor concert right now. Stuck. Her friend never showed up. She is making me crazy. Totally triggered. So I am on my phone posting. I hate this feeling.[DOUBLEPOST=1403653269,1403653089][/DOUBLEPOST]@xena21 neither of my parents were/are evil. And even if they were, I cannot wrap my head around abandoning someone in need. I just need to figure out how to not abandon myself in the process.

 

[xena21]

And even if they were, I cannot wrap my head around abandoning someone in need.

I hear you. I was sexually abused by them, so its a little different I guess. They were truly evil people that I hope rot in Hell.

As for your situation, Its not the same. I was assuming they abused you like mine did. I also would have a problem abandoning family members in general situations. For example, my Father was never there for me and wanted me aborted, but I would never give up care for him. I would take care of him until the day he died. Its just what a family does normally. There are always some glitches as you go along in life but you do the best you can.

I'm sorry you are feeling so stuck, and I didn't mean to cause any discontent by what I said. I was just going off my history with my family. Your dilemma sounds tough, because you're the only one to take care of her. My Mom actually had bothers and sisters to send my grandmother to before she disowned her. It sounds like a lot on your plate. Do you have enough alone time without her?

Like you said you don't want to abandon yourself in the process. That would be the worst possible outcome! Do you have friends that can intervene, or any family? I'm just throwing out stuff. I feel for you. It sounds like a really tough situation.

Is there a senior center where she can be dropped off at for the day? I guess that sounds stupid, but my Mom used to do that with my grandma before she disowned her. I don't know, I would anything for my Mom. But nothing for my grandma. I guess that says a lot.