Aiming At Healing From Different Perspectives (a Personal Problem)

[St.Maybe]

I recently had a bit of a debate with a friend about the nature of healing, and how to heal. I welcome any thoughts/opinions/advice- I'm not asking a specific question but I am looking for feedback.

I told my friend that I'd recently come home to find that one of my abusers (we call him Bean) has moved back home. Bean's my cousin, and none of my family knows that I was likely the first person he abused... since Bean's behavior came to light in another way, and since he is actively kept away from kids, I never planned on bringing it up. Bean is only a year my senior, and because one of our family young ones is going to be kin-fostered where Bean was living, he had to move somewhere.

I tried to explain to my friend the cultural significance of our family home system- essentially anyone belonging to my mother's mother's line are welcome to live there by virtue of their place in the family. Not to mention he is likely to be the second largest "official/legal" inheritor within our generation... the fact is that even if he decided to be bought out, he would be just as welcome there and I will be dealing with him for the rest of our lives.

My friend was really upset by all of this and put forth a few ideas:

First, that by not telling, I was continuing to "sweep my abuse under the rug" and that healing is brought about by bringing wounds to light.
Second, that if I told and my cousin was not forced from our home, then this would constitute my family "choosing him over me," and I should have nothing to do with 'them' (my family).

I thought this was interesting. I feel that healing is brought about through the practice of extending compassion... though I don't disagree with his sentiment on bringing wounds to light.

I don't feel threatened by my cousin at this point, and although it is difficult to be in his presence I feel as if I've reached an age where it's my responsibility to consider first the needs of the family before my own. I have a lot of needs in this scenario... but I consider it a priority that we all stay sheltered and fed. From where I stand, I don't see petitioning our elders for his removal to be an appropriate response to give under the weight of that priority.

 

[Friday]

I've come to believe that 'All roads lead to Rome'. Meaning that there is no one true way, one right way, or even just one damn way that works for everyone. What works for me might f*ck somebody else up sideways, and vice versa. So it really doesn't matter how a person gets to Rome, so much as that they get there, period.

As far as family culture goes? Mine is like that, as well. My family doesn't like me. They love me, but don't like me. Or respect me. Or want me around. That said? I'm still welcome in my mother's home, as is everyone else, and always will be. Because that's how our culture -and family politics- works. When my grandmother was matriarch? It was her home that had an open door (and bedroom and kitchen) policy. Anyone. For any length of time. For any reason. How much my family "helps" beyond that? Is an individual matter. But my mothers home? Is open to all.

 

[scout86]

I come from a totally different culture, I guess. And, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the one you both are describing. (Not a criticism, just a fact.)

I couldn't do what you're doing. Couldn't live with my biological family, to begin with, because it just wouldn't have worked. But, in the situation you're in, I'd have had to have a little compassion for myself and put some distance between myself and him.

I had a conversation once, with my T, about telling my family some stuff. He kind of thought I should. I said they wouldn't believe me. He asked if that matters. The fact is, it DOES matter, to me. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. His advice, in that case, was to not say anything. (I've wondered if that means he doesn't think they'd believe me too.) Anyway, you might want to examine your reasons for not telling. Who are you protecting and for what reasons.

 

[Crow]

My family chose my pedophile brother over me. It's a generational sexual abuse thing. The victim is always to blame even if she was 5 years old when it started. Anyway, I believe also in compassionate healing and follow that path. It took me years to realize that I was extending compassion to my family but not to myself. Since I cut ties with them almost completely, and put myself as a priority to feel safe and as if I matter and have value, my life has improved immensely and I'm able to have more compassion without being involved with any of them.

And you know, if any of them - my parents or my brother - would offer some sort of apology, I might re-engage. But they aren't sorry.

 

[EveHarrington]

Safety is a need tied with food/shelter/water pretty much. I think this is why people are saying that they don't necessarily agree with your stance. For me------I'd give up food/shelter/water just to feel safe.

Who is keeping this guy away from children? The family or the state? If it's just the family, I don't think that's enough.

 

[St.Maybe]

...there is no one true way, one right way, or even just one damn way that works for everyone. What works for me might f*ck somebody else up sideways, and vice versa.

I can really appreciate this- and I think so, too. I feel like my approach is best for me because of who I am, where I am, and what values I identify as most important to me... but by no means would I say that this is how someone else should behave or view their situation even if the details of our experiences were identical.

I come from a totally different culture, I guess. And, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the one you both are describing. (Not a criticism, just a fact.)

I couldn't do what you're doing. Couldn't live with my biological family, to begin with, because it just wouldn't have worked. But, in the situation you're in, I'd have had to have a little compassion for myself and put some distance between myself and him....

...Anyway, you might want to examine your reasons for not telling. Who are you protecting and for what reasons.

When my friend and I got into questions of why I would agree to own a home with him later in life or continue our open door policy when I'll inherit a little over half of the house, culture is just what it came down to. I think in the same way that you have trouble wrapping your head around the family dynamics Friday and I explained, I have trouble wrapping my head around anything else- though of course I honor people doing what they need to do for themselves, and engaging with their families in ways that work for them.

Also, I really appreciate the sentiment of extending compassion towards oneself. Excellent and important point. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. How when your sense of compassion grows it doesn't just grow in one direction... it's been my main consideration as I think about what I really can and cannot handle. There's a balance to strike, there, that I admit is tricky for me.

As for not telling, my first reaction to the thought is just dread. I would hate to break my mother's heart and have her know that I was abused even more than she's aware of... I don't think she would be able to take that without it affecting her health or someone else's... my family doesn't mess around.

My family chose my pedophile brother over me. It's a generational sexual abuse thing. The victim is always to blame even if she was 5 years old when it started. Anyway, I believe also in compassionate healing and follow that path. It took me years to realize that I was extending compassion to my family but not to myself....And you know, if any of them - my parents or my brother - would offer some sort of apology, I might re-engage. But they aren't sorry.

I'm sorry to hear it. And I applaud you for recognizing the trauma embedded in the whole situation, as well as doing the amazing work of putting yourself first and letting your compassion be extended inward. I also admire your forgiveness and the hard line you've set as a standard for yourself and your interactions.

If I felt that my abuser was being chosen over me in any sense I do not know how I would respond... to be honest it's hard to wrap my head around it, conceptually. Short of not being believed, I don't think I would look at it quite that way even if I did raise an issue and he was allowed to remain. If I was not believed, on the other hand, or if I really felt unsafe... I might very well feel it necessary to cut ties with my family.

Safety is a need tied with food/shelter/water pretty much. I think this is why people are saying that they don't necessarily agree with your stance. For me------I'd give up food/shelter/water just to feel safe.

Who is keeping this guy away from children? The family or the state? If it's just the family, I don't think that's enough.

Agreed. Safety is paramount, especially when you've suffered from a severe lack of it. And I think you hit the nail on the head- if my rational brain registered the house as unsafe for me because of his presence, or unsafe for anyone else because of his presence- then it would be a different story.

I have become used to feeling unsafe because it just seems that I always do... not because I accept it as any kind of standard for my life. It's just a pervasive feeling no matter how bad or how wonderful things get... Even so, I am grateful and I don't take for granted how fortunate I am to trust every other person in that house to stand in my defense if ever I called on them. I have learned, especially over the past several years, just what it means to have my family's protection. If he was a threat to me he would not be there.

As for who is keeping him away from children, Bean isn't even allowed in houses or whole apartment buildings if we have kids living or visiting there. He is excluded from family gatherings for this reason, which is honestly quite sad for him, being someone who's felt like an outsider since we were little kids. Outside of the family, there's not much that we can do; when he knocks someone up, we let them know why he should not be allowed near children. He's never seen either of his sons unsupervised a day in their lives. This may not be enough, but state involvement isn't something that can just happen- it's not going to happen unless charges are formally brought against him.

 

[Deleted member 34535]

I recently had a bit of a debate with a friend about the nature of healing, and how to heal. I welcome...

I hope you don't mind, but I think i am 100% with your cousin on this one. But it all depends on what you feel is the right thing to do for you. Your cousin nor myself have to live your life, you do. Let me give you an example. While dealing with the realization that myself and my deceased brother were both victims of child abuse, my soon to be 24 year old son was using me like I was a piece of trash. My so-called son took himself out of my life 2 and 1/2 years ago. My offenses were aggregous. I believed in God and he believed in following the teachings of The Church of Satan. As well as believing in a political philosophy that believes that individuals know best how to run their lives a lot better than a politician who has never met them would. And oh yes, let's not forget the so-called son's love for the most healthy, medicinal plant known to mankind, marijuana.

So in order for me to have any kind of relationship with the so-called son, I would have to ditch all of my beliefs and join in his belief system, etc. Give up my love for God, after what he has done for me, never. Change my heartfelt ideology that I truly believe is best for each and every individual, never. And smoke a little reefer, go along to get along. Never. I have no desire to do so and couldn't if I wanted to because I have had a CDL License for almost 30 years.

Each of us has a core and our core is our own. What we do with our core is entirely up to us. I don't think there is a cut and dry answer to this one. Because each and every individual will have a different perspective. Why! Because we are all unique, one of a kind individuals. I forgive my so-called son. He is following his core. But my core is not for sale. I do forgive him, and I also leave him alone to live his core and deal with the aftermath, be it good or bad. I doubt all of this helped, but I took a stab at it.

 

[St.Maybe]

I hope you don't mind, but I think i am 100% with your cousin on this one.

I don't suppose I do.
To be honest I never asked (but can presume) my cousin's opinion... we only speak to each other in the presence of our elders.

I don't think I really grasped what you intended but I agree that people heal in their own ways.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm worried for your health, and much more for the safety of children around your cousin.

I don't feel threatened by my cousin at this point,

I have become used to feeling unsafe because it just seems that I always do

I think that we become very bad at judging what is a real risk and what is just habitual fear. I know that for myself I can't rely on my assessment of where is a safe place to be. I think you may be missing an actual threat to your stability, by attributing to habit. Do you have professional support that you can get an unbiased view from?

I was likely the first person he abused.

I don't feel threatened by my cousin at this point,

Is that because you are now an adult and he preys on children?

As for who is keeping him away from children.....Outside of the family, there's not much that we can do; when he knocks someone up, we let them know why he should not be allowed near children. He's never seen either of his sons unsupervised a day in their lives. This may not be enough

Is anyone monitoring him daily? Is he getting any sort of treatment? Keeping things within the family may seem to make it easier for you all, but who is to say that he isn't forming relationships with women who already have children? Or making contact with children in any other way? Your family knows that he has abused more than one child. I don't think compulsions like that go away by themselves. It sounds a very dangerous course for the family to believe they can absolutely guarantee the safety of other children, in or outside the family.

 

[St.Maybe]

I think that we become very bad at judging what is a real risk and what is just habitual fear. I know that for myself I can't rely on my assessment of where is a safe place to be. I think you may be missing an actual threat to your stability, by attributing to habit. Do you have professional support that you can get an unbiased view from?

That's an excellent point. I worried at first that it would be terrible for my mental health to be around him... I still worry. At the same time, though, him being my cousin makes him unavoidable for me. I mentioned in my original post that he would likely be the second largest inheritor of our family home... Well, I'll be the first. As such, we will be managing a household together some sad, fateful day.

As a woman who identifies herself physically and spiritually as an extension of her ancestors, it really is unthinkable for me to consider disassociating form my family. I am only because they are or have been.

"I was likely the first person he abused..." "...I don't feel threatened by my cousin at this point." - Is that because you are now an adult and he preys on children?

I was likely the first (or one of the first) to be abused by him because he started acting out that way at a very young age, and I'm just a year younger. We lived together for so long.

And yes, the reason I don't feel threatened by my cousin at this point is because I am an adult and he preys on children.

Is anyone monitoring him daily? Is he getting any sort of treatment? Keeping things within the family may seem to make it easier for you all, but who is to say that he isn't forming relationships with women who already have children? Or making contact with children in any other way? Your family knows that he has abused more than one child. I don't think compulsions like that go away by themselves. It sounds a very dangerous course for the family to believe they can absolutely guarantee the safety of other children, in or outside the family.

I can understand and respect your concern for any child who could be alone in his company. It's not something that I or anyone else in the family waves away. However, when the subject of state involvement or him being monitored is raised, I don't know what to say beyond what I've already said; charges have not been brought against him. There is no program in existence for the legal monitoring of alleged pedophiles where I am from... as a free man, he can roam where he will.

I don't think compulsions like that go away by themselves, either... to be honest I don't know how to help him there-like every other mental illness I think that an individual must seek help themselves, to really get help. I don't know that any system can effectively replace self-motivation and recognition of one's own problematic behaviors. Perhaps I am simply unfamiliar with the kinds of treatment available to pedophiles?


That said, I'd like to be clear that I never claimed nor is it accurate to state that the family believes they can absolutely guarantee the safety of other children. Guaranteeing the safety of children is a problem perpetually faced by every family. And it's scary. When a known pedophile is in the picture, knowledge is power, but we know that nothing will ever guarantee beyond a shadow of a doubt the safety of our or anyone's children. This isn't kept in the family so much as it is simply not in the hands of the government. His pedophilia is no secret- and nothing and no one is to say that he's not making contact with children in some other way- that's something we all worry about. However it's something we worry about within our limits.

I think it's easy to say what should be done about another person, without bearing in mind enough that we are talking about another person... I'm open to insight into how, without violating his personal rights, I or anyone else might go about monitoring his behavior...

What is the most effective way of keeping a pedophile away from vulnerable parties? It's a separate topic, but I seriously wish I knew.

 

[scout86]

What is the most effective way of keeping a pedophile away from vulnerable parties?

In most places, it's not legal.

 

[St.Maybe]

In most places, it's not legal.

Exactly...

Don't get me wrong, vigilante justice is no strange thing where I'm from... but still, there are guidelines... politics to that sort of thing.