Alone And Surrounded By People

[Aqua]

Recently I've been having suicidal thoughts. I really don't feel like I belong. My mom was raped to have me. Gang raped by three guys and left for dead on the side of the road part of me can't stop thinking...when she looks at me does she have flashbacks of my birth father. I got my looks from both my parents. I never knew my father...am I not good enough...my mom wanted an abortion when she found out she was pregnant for me...I really believe she should have done it. I'm tired of not knowing where I came from. I have the right to know who that bastard is. I hate him so much I can't move on because of this and all it does is bring me down because I always stop and wonder could my mom having an abortion and moving on been the better choice. I'm tired of crying I fake smile so often it's not funny. Inside I'm dying...I hate this..

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Hello @Gaara . I will not insult you by saying I understand how you are feeling but as a rape victim, I feared pregnancy and would probably have considered abortion for a moment. With that being said, as a mother, I believe every child is a gift, no matter the circumstances. You are not a mistake and you are not to blame in any way for the ordeal your mother had to endure. As I see it, you were the only positive that could possibly come out of a horrible experience. Please don't hate yourself or feel guilt for your life. I believe therapy would be very helpful to you to share your feelings, good, bad or otherwise. Bottling things up only causes more pain in the future. You are not responsible for your Mom or her happiness, and to beat yourself up will end up hurting you both. You have to take care if yourself to be there for anyone else. Sending you a hug, if that's okay.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes what you have written are very dark things and you need therapy to cover all of this. Did your mother get therapy and help? I am sad that your mother told you she wanted an abortion. That may have been her feelings at the time, but she was traumatised.

You can move on though it does not feel like it now. Your father does not make you who you are. My mother was a monster, she does not make me who I am though I too often feel like I am dying inside, but that is getting better.

It sounds like your mother needs therapy too, that this needs to be something really talked about at least in family therapy and for you to be reassured that you are the most precious thing in your mother's life.

My children are the most precious to me and I am sure your mother feels the same and would not want you to be suffering the way you are.

 

[illusionist]

Hi Gaara....one of my foster brothers was brought into this world because his birth mum was raped...so I have a certain understanding of how you feel. One thing that he found comforting was that he knew it must have taken a great deal of strength for her to carry on with her pregnancy to give him life...sadly she couldn't keep him. He decided to go looking for her, to thank her, and tell her he held no bad feelings. He arrived at her house to be told her funeral had been two days previous. The fact that your mum didn't have an abortion shows that she really did want you. The fact that she told you that she had thought about it, tells me that she thought it out, and made the decision to have you, and to keep you.....you were wanted, brought into this world with hope, not negativity. I hope you do find peace with this and find the help you need in finding it.

 

[Mirlat]

Dear Gaara, My heart goes out to you. Take courage. There is hope. You are not alone. Have you heard of James Robison? His mother was also raped to have him. He wrote a book, 'Thank God, I'm Free: The James Robison Story', about his experiences. - As a child, he spent his first few years in a foster home (his mother placed an ad in the newspaper looking for a Christian couple to take care of him), then with his birth mother and a stepfather who could not read or write. Later, his violent, alcoholic father came back into the picture. It ended when James pointed a gun at his father in self-defense as he threatened to kill him. He now has a successful ministry on television. There's more about him on the internet. Praying for you. Peace.