Already Decided I Don't Want Marriage And Kids. Does Anyone Else Feel The Same?

[Candleflames]

I don't think it is 'selfish' to make the decision not to have children - I think the opposite would be true

I have children, 3 of them and I could not agree with this more. I had them because I wanted to have this little creature that I could love and care for and watch grow. I did that for me, not them. If I wanted to do that unselfishly I could have adopted or become a foster parent but I chose to give birth and bring a new life into this world. We do that all for ourselves.

I think I meant selfish in the sense that I chose my life over giving it up for the required 18 years that it takes to fully raise a child or children.

That's not selfish at all, that's being honest. My oldest turned 16 yesterday and it really doesn't feel like I'm nearing the end of my job as a parent. It's going to be a lifelong commitment.

My decision is based on the fact that I know I am not emotionally available, and I wouldn't want to make a child suffer through my inability to provide the love and constant care they need

That's a very tough thing to recognize so I applaud you for your insight and being able to be honest with yourself. It's also something that you can work through and overcome for your own sake.

I have friends who have never wanted children yet they love my kids. They spend time with them and have a great influence in my kids lives. It takes all kinds of people to raise the next generation. You don't have to get married or give birth or even open you home to a child. Just working to make yourself healthy so you can contribute to society, play with or talk to friends kids as if they are real people, support schools and public programs or even just being able to offer a smile to kid on the street can make a world of difference.

Take care you you first. :)

 

[NovemberStar]

I agree also with the 'don't necessarily tell everyone / anyone' about your decision - because, unfairly, those of us who say they do not want children, face an uphill battle with society in general. There are a lot of MYTHS about the decision 'not to have kids'. Other people (namely those with kids) feel somehow threatened by our decisions to not have them. My sister has a REAL issue with my decision - she really takes it personally. Its like my decision to not have kids is somehow making a direct stand against her beliefs and HER decision to have them. Like I am being incredibly judgmental of her choices. AND as others have said - because a lot of parents 'love' being a parent and 'love' their kids (and think their own kids are the best things in the world to ever happen to them - mot of the time)_ they genuinely do not understand WHY someone wouldn't want to have the same experience they've (and have their own kids).

(Yes, those are mass generalizations!)

Basically, you will face a lot of flak, as well as non-stop debate, negative stereotyping, and people will set out to try to convince you otherwise. Occasionally you will find someone who understands, but most seemingly do not.

I lie to people most of the time. Thankfully it is coming up less and less, as people have 'given up on me' (i.e. my Nana 'put me on the shelf' as a spinster buy the time I was 25!). People ask me 'don't you want kids of your own?' I lie and say 'oh if it's meant to be it will be' or 'maybe one day but I'm in no rush'. When in all honesty, the very thought of having my own child literally makes me shudder - its' not that I 'hate' children - but I do find them scary - and most of all, they trigger me pretty badly, being confronted with their innocence.

Of course, once I'm obviously past the age where it's possible for me to have my own, I know other people will no doubt pity me, or think its' really sad I've missed out, 'left it too late', or 'didn't find anyone in time' to have kids with. The stereotype of 'old age, lonely and sad spinster' prevails.

But then there are some awesome people in the world who did not have kids - Oprah Winfrey for one. I doubt people see her as a 'sad old lady' for not having kids.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm feeling a little feisty today and so I'm wondering what people would say to a particular response. With everything going on right now I don't expect you to be up for this, but when you are feeling stronger or just plain fed up, when someone asks you about your procreation plans, ask them why they are so interested in what you do with your genitalia/reproductive organs. It's more obvious that it's a private topic when put that way. I bet they'd shut up really quickly.

 

[mytai]

That's a very tough thing to recognize so I applaud you for your insight and being able to be honest with yourself. It's also something that you can work through and overcome for your own sake.

Thanks. I would say I'm probably a lot like your friends in the sense that I enjoy my friends kids, but I wouldn't want any of my own. I know I'm young and could still change my mind, but I don't see that happening.

@NovemberStar, I know I will face a lot of flak from my family specifically about my decision to stay single and childless. Their approach is to badger you until you cave into what they want. Because of their tendency to do this I won't be sharing with them my decision. After all it is MY decision not theirs. I would rather be an amazing aunt then a mother.

Like you I don't hate kids @NovemberStar but it doesn't mean I want them. Something about kids bothers me too, although I can't put my finger on it - maybe it is for the same reason as you, that I have an issue with being confronted by their innocence (might be a jealousy thing for me).

 

[mytai]

@Candleflames, I tend to be quite sarcastic in person (I tone it down on here because I don't want to hurt someone) so saying something along the lines of that would be in character for me.

 

[Candleflames]

So answering with an in your face question is right up your alley. Cool. Have you tried it? If so did it work to get them back peddling or stop with the questioning?

Whether or not someone chooses to have kids is an interesting topic because it's not an across the board answer. It's great that you brought it up. Others are probably contemplating this decision. Reading the many reasons why people choose any given path and that any option could be the right one is an important thing to know. It's all so dependent on who we are as individuals.

 

[mytai]

@Candleflames, I haven't tried it with my decision regarding having kids because I haven't shared it with anyone other than my T and on here. But I will for sure be asking why they are so interested in my sex life/reproduction if/when they do. When I've used it with other topics, such as dating it usually stops the questioning and invokes an apology. I guess sometimes people don't realize how inappropriate their questioning is and how private certain topics are.

I brought it up because it isn't talked about a lot, I couldn't even really find old threads on here about it. I know it is kind of a controversial topic. It seems more widely accepted if a man expresses that he doesn't want kids, as opposed to if a woman expresses she doesn't want kids. It seems like the stigma (as wrong as it is) is that there is something "wrong" if a woman doesn't want kids, but is completely "normal" and even expected if a man doesn't want kids. I started the thread because I personally feel very affected by that stigma that something must be wrong with me if I don't want kids based on how my family has been hounding me about not dating or wanting to date. That somehow not wanting to date makes me a lesbian automatically.

Just because I'm not interested in dating a guy doesn't automatically mean I want to date a female. It simply means I have no desire to date.

 

[Philippa]

You sound just like me mytai. I don't like dating. I've been on 4 formal dates in my life, and the last one was about 7 years ago. I have no plans of having kids or getting married, so why date? :D I'm also not a lesbian and I really don't think things would be any different if I was one, in terms of how crazy relationships can make a person...but it's very hard to get it through to other people, especially those in relationships why you wouldn't want to be in one.

 

[mytai]

@Philippa, it seems likes such a crazy concept to some people that you wouldn't want to date. I "enjoyed" dating my ex for the most part when we were together, but there were many times when I had to suck it up and spend time with him when all I wanted to so was stay inside alone. Dating is a lot of work and I get over the "ohh a new exciting thing" phase very quickly.

 

[Philippa]

Are you from America mytai? I ask because here in Australia, the word 'date' is used for the first time two people go out. Once they are already together, I'm not sure I've ever heard of people still saying they are 'dating', they are just a couple and do couple stuff, like go out to dinner, movies etc. It's funny for me to notice the cultural differences in this way between us.

 

[Philippa]

It is funny, looking back on all the memories I have of men and women and their reactions to me not having kids and not expressing a desire to have them.

Everything from furrowed brows, looking at me like I'm an alien and actually saying that it's unnatural to not have kids...or "I'm so surprised you don't have kids already" from one crazy single mother who was clearly not coping with her own choice to have a child.

She was absolutely horrible to me, and I gave her a place to live when she was homeless with her child! She ended up giving me this beaded, kooli shell belt that was specifically meant to induce fertility when I left that house. I gave it away recently to the op shop.

Sure, I do get lonely sometimes, and I would like to have more regular cuddle parties with my cuddle buddy and eventually meet someone who doesn't want kids or to get married (I have met someone recently who expressed this to me), but for the most part, I'm ok with my cat.

Not harming anyone, so why do so many people feel it's their business to try and convince me, motivate me, even bring it up with me about this? In fairness, I don't get it all the time, but often enough that it has given me a few stories to tell about people who have had these reactions.

I already have lots of art babies...some haven't been born yet and are still in incubation and others have been nurtured and grown. I'm a mother to my cat and intend to get a garden happening at some point...all of which require motherly energy to maintain them. I'm also learning to be a mother to myself and nurture myself.

 

[NovemberStar]

Like you I don't hate kids @NovemberStar but it doesn't mean I want them. Something about kids bothers me too, although I can't put my finger on it - maybe it is for the same reason as you, that I have an issue with being confronted by their innocence (might be a jealousy thing for me).

It is that - and other things I also can't put my finger on. I am struggling to even be an aunt (you say you will look forward to that), because being around my nieces and nephews is very triggering. Even thinking about my nieces right now (who I saw last weekend) triggers waves of feeling physically sick and dizzy, like I need to 'go lie down' or I will pass out type thing.

I don't often feel jealous of little kids with good homes, but it is very confronting that hey, there were better ways to experience growing up.

I think while I have never forgotten some aspects of my childhood, I have been in denial a lot about it. For years I've been able to talk about the abuse, what it was like growing up with my mother. But the emotions have largely been absent. When they are there, I haven't been in touch with the TRAUMA of it all. But now I am, thanks to the PTSD. I am having a lot of flashbacks where I am re-experiencing things that I had completely forgotten. It's like thousands of different 'snapshots' of my childhood are being triggered by the smallest of things - from the very simple things like how the sun sits in the sky in late autumn - how the shadows fall on the grass when the sun gets lower in the sky. Those things trigger waves of unpleasant memories and / or flashbacks, and a LOT of physical responses (namely feeling like I will pass out).

But even when the PTSD was not there (for 12 years - totally free of it!!!!) I did not want kids. I was terrified at the prospect. I'd rather have been told I have an incurable terminal illness than to be told 'you're pregnant and are going to have to have the baby'.